Is there a point if s/he will only resent me?

Question

I've always been determined to someday adopt a child. It seemed natural to me to open my home and my heart to a child who for whatever reason had lost his/hers. I know it's not like in the movies. I know being put up for adoption is not ideal and there's confusion and hurt.

But I've been reading around and the majority of stuff I've read is from adoptee whining that "oh gosh, we didn't want to be adopted! I would have been happier with my birth family". Now, I grant you that it would be perfect if every child could stay with their family. But most of these testimonials I've read, these adoptees had decent adoptive families. Granted, it wasn't ideal, but how much better would it really have been with the birth-mother? I'm not talking abuse. I'm just saying, no one is perfect? I'm not saying "be grateful" either because no one should have to feel grateful for having parents. It's a natural thing.

Answer 1

Im sorry, I didnt realize that people REJECT their adoppted families!  I would think that everyone there wants to have someone to love them. If that person if YOU< thats great.  Are u thinking of addopting a baby, or an older child?  A friend of the family I knew, growing up adopted 3 kids, all brothers and 1 sister. They were all older, I belive the youngest was 6 and the oldest 12.  They had a lot of issues, due to the PATERNAL parents. It is NOT an easy street.  Not at all.  These kids that are older come from a hard environment, regardless of IF they knew their paternal parents, or not.  You have to GIVE a lot.  But, I think it is deffinitly worth it! I would say that, had this family friend of mine got some counselling help, than things would have been better....  But this was years ago.  Just know what you're getting yourself in for. And let the child know, you LOVE them.  LOVE is the single BEST thing you can give.  The best thing you can do for a child, or adult for THAT matter, is telling and showing them you love them, EVERYDAY!  I tell my son I love him at least 3 times a day.  And when he gets old enough to go to school, I will tell him that EVERYDAY I drop him to go to school. Its the BEST thing to do....  It gives them self confidence, and its the best way to send them out for their day....   Good luck

Answer 2

Your question shows very little insight into the minds of adoptees, and very little willingness to try to understand.  I think you have misunderstood the "whining" (very offensive btw) of the adoptees posts.  

In my experience, it is unusual for adoptees to blame or reject their adoptive parents, I certainly don't.  The "confusion and hurt" stems from the circumstance of being taken from your birth family at an age that is pre-logical.  A baby or child cannot understand why this is happening to them, and therefore feels only the loss and abondonment.  

The adult adoptee is then left with the feelings that formed before perhaps even conscious memory was formed, and trying to rationalize them out.  This isn't something that one can snap their fingers and move on from.  It takes time and lots of patience.

It sounds like you may lack the patience and understanding to be supportive through that process.  You may want to reconsider your determination to adopt unless you can change your perspective.  If you do adopt a child, it will not be about your feelings surrounding the adoption, it will be about how that child feels about it....at least, that's how it should be.

Answer 3

"Is there a point" in giving a child who needs a home and family a home and family if there's a chance they might complain now and then?  Are you really asking that?  If so, I fear no child, adopted or otherwise, could ever live up to your standards.  Children whine.  

My anger at my inability to see my own birth certificate is not whining, it's demanding my civil rights--and my adoptive parents, with whom I share a wonderful, loving relationship, agree.  I am pretty sure I would NOT have been better off with my first mother, but this in no way negates the confusion and hurt sealed records infant adoption has brought into my life and my adoptive family's life.

Is there a point?  Yes, there is.  It's called "the best interests of the child."  If being able to open your home and heart comes with a "no whining" price tag,  then I gently suggest to you that you ought to close your home and heart until you've thought this through.

Answer 4

Let's bust that myth first.  In foster care, it's true, ther are lots of children who need a good home.  But there is NOT a glut of available infants in the US or internationally who 'need homes'.  There are very few true orphans (children who have lost both parents) in the world.

It's not enough that adoptees have loving adoptive parents, (assuming they get them) they still LOST their whole family.  Period.  If you had a stillborn, wouldn't you be angry if people kept telling you to get over it, the child never really existed anyway?

Adopted children have parents before they are given up to adoption.  They always will.  If  potential adoptive parents have  emotional trouble with this FACT, they really should NOT adopt.  

The price of being raised by another/adoptive family should not be denying  natural HUMAN curiosty about their family, or pretending that they are not sad because they lost their family.  THAT is natural.  Being raised by non-relatives is not.

And your 'nobody's perfect' comment about adoptive parents being as good as biological parents.  No, it's not as good.  My mother is like a puzzle, and I am the lost piece.  I was made from her flesh and blood.  How could adoptive parents listed in the next file folder on a social worker's desk possibly compare with that?!

If you really want to adopt, please read Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton, and The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.

Answer 5

If you take the time to read many of the questions here - you will see that many adoptees here DO NOT RESENT THEIR ADOPTIVE PARENTS. (sorry about the yelling - but so many take comments here the wrong way - and adoptees always end up having to defend themselves)

They - in fact - love their adoptive families dearly.

The adoptees that I know that are the most healed about their adoptee 'status'  - are one's who have adoptive parents that -

1. are completely open and honest about their adoption status - and about what they know about their history.

2. show empathy and compassion throughout the child's life - especially when rough patches present themselves - when the child questions their existence or voices sadness that they miss their first family. (regardless of the issues that made the child separated from their family - all children want to be with their mother's. There has even been cases documented of extreme abuse from the mother - where the child still cried out for the mother. It's a deep, deep need.) As a compassionate mother - one would cry with the child, sooth their broken heart, not tell them that they are whining about something.

3. let the child know - if possible in person - their first family - as it helps the child to get a sense of who they are. If we don't know where we came from - or the reasons behind our adoption - we have a hard time forming an idea of 'self' - especially if we are not allowed to talk about our adoption. If our adoption is clouded in mystery - we get a sense that it was somehow wrong and evil - and then those feelings become a sense of who we are - wrong and evil. Think - if our mothers didn't keep us - then there must be something wrong with us. (yes - adult thinking knows that there are reasons behind things - but children don't  - and they need all the facts to form opinions on themselves and on their situation.

(this point is also squarely pointed at the first family - as they need to still acknowledge the child - or again - the child may think that they have done wrong)

To put your question another way - why would anyone have children - if their children COULD turn around and resent them.

It happens to both adopted and non-adopted alike.

If you are a good parent - who thinks first and foremost about the child's emotional and physical needs - and loves them unconditionally - and remains truthful above all - you will not have a worry.

Answer 6

The point is, resent you or not children need a safe place to live and a family.  You didn't remove the child from the birth parents, the state did that.  Sometimes adopted children get confused about this.  The childs option is to age out of foster care or be adopted.  The birth family is not an option and that wasn't your decision.  I have adopted two and they may resent me someday but that doesn't matter because I KNOW I made the right choice.

Answer 7

I wish I hadn't been adopted, but not because I resent my adoptive parents!  They are great parents and I claim my rightful place in their family - I love them beyond words

The thing is my adoption was not necessary.  My mother could have raised me but I was conceived in a way that society deemed her unfit (she was not married, gasp!)  

If you raise your children right and are honest and open with them, they will not resent you!

Please cut out the 'accept your fate' statements towards adoptees - it's highly insulting.  How would you feel if your entire identity was wiped out and you were placed in the witness protection program against your will and told to stop whining. . . .

Answer 8

I do not want to pick sides on this one, but I did want to add that at some point in their life, ALL children typically resent their parents for one thing or another.  If my child chooses to resent me for adopting him, then it least it is a valid reason as opposed to resenting me for something else.  The truth is that I've spoken with many of these adoptees on the board, and even though we disagree about many things, we are all here for the same reasons - to share our stories and feelings - good, bad, ugly or indifferent.  What works for one person, doesn't work for another.  What one adoptee feels, another may not.  Each adoption is as unique as the faces of the children.

Answer 9

My adopters were less than ideal parents and the details of such are irrelevant.

The issue, for ME, is that they were NOT my parents. I belonged with my own tribe. My own people, my real family.

I also take exception to your quip of "adoptee whining". We are here telling our stories, our truth, and I think I can speak for many, we won't be going away.

Answer 10

You also have to understand that what is reported the most by people in every aspect of life is how terrible something is.  No one is motivated to write any lengthy details on anything unless they are so charged up by what they do not like about something.  So don't think the majority are these children.

My cousins loved my aunt and uncle, they adopted a 2 year old and a 4 year old, each with a laundry list of problems both inherited and the early exposure by their birth mothers...my aunt and uncle adored those kids and they adored them in return.  Yes, both saught out their birth parents as they reached adulthood but were apalled by what they found.  And no, my cousins do not have Cinderella-esk lives as a result of their early experiences and being conditioned by them...but they will tell you how wonderful of parents my aunt and uncle were if asked.

If you are a good mother/father and embrace their questions and love them and do everything that's best for them and be supportive like a parent should be, you won't get resentment.  If you want to adopt, adopt!  You are saving a child's life and putting them on a path for success!!

Answer 11

I think you are oversimplifying the issue a bit. I don't mean that in a nasty way, it's just... you seem to be reducing the issue to the parents. There's a lot more than just "Who are better parents, the adoptive parents or the bio parents?"

I realize you're not saying any one set is better than another... that you are saying that if BOTH sets are good yet flawed human beings (as everyone has faults), then how can adoptees wish they hadn't been adopted.. right?

The thing is... it's not just about what kind of parents the bios would have been. It's about being denied access to their original birth certificates--a right held by every other American citizen. It's about LOSING a family--the loss wouldn't have occurred without relinquishment/adoption. It's about identity--figuring out where they "fit."

It is about so much more than whether one set of parents is better or as good as another set.

Answer 12

You need to be open and honest regarding adoption with your adoptive child. Don't put the birth mother in a bad light. Not all birth mothers are abusive, alcholoics, or drug addicts. It's just that at that point in their lives they are not in a position to care for a child. Even if there are avenues for them to keep their child. Don't hide facts from them regarding the adoption. YOU don't resent them or make them feel guility for asking questions about their adoption or wanting to search for their birth mother if they choose too.  Some of the resentment that you see on this Y/A are from some adoptees that have said that their adoptive parents were abusive to them. Wouldn't you resent someone too either they be your biological parents or adoptive parents if they abused you? LOVE your child, be SUPPORTIVE, LISTEN to them. In my opinion if there is open and honest communication there may be no room for resentment towards the adoptive parent. But the adoptive child still may have confusion hurt. Which is only natural. Some adopted kids don't go through this and have no care in the world to see their birth mothers. Personally, i wanted my birth mother to answer some questions i had. Did it mean i resented my adoptive parents? NO!!!

Answer 13

I think I can understand your question, though I take exception to the "whining" comment.  But let's move past that to address the real issue here.

For me, the issue has nothing to do with the adoptive parents.  My adoptive parents are good people.  I love them.  They love me.  Was my life easy?  No.  Did they do things wrong.  Yes.  Does every parent s***w up?  Sure.  My aparents were not perfect and not bad.  I don't resent them.  I don't reject them.  

But none of that changes the fact that there are real problems caused by adoption that have little to do with the adoptive family.  (Some adoptees do have problems because of their adoptive family, and I don't mean to suggest otherwise.  I just mean that adoption can lead to problems that would come up even in a perfect home.)  For me, these problems center around feelings of abandonment and questions of trust of others.  This isn't something I blame on my adoptive parents.  This does have a lot to do with adoption itself.  These issues were made worse by feeling as though adoption itself was a taboo subject.  

What does this mean for you, if anything?  I don't know.  Be aware that many of the problems reported by adoptees are not being laid at the feet of adoptive parents.  I love my adoptive parents.  But I have always felt like an outsider.  I don't "fit."  Maybe I wouldn't have "fit" anyway, but I never had a chance to find out.  Whose fault is that?  Probably no one's.  But not talking about it for the first thirty-some odd years of my life has made the problem worse.  

If you adopt, your child may never feel this.  Or maybe they will, but they won't blame you.  Or maybe they will.  But the point is, all you can do is love them, be honest with them, and try to educate yourself about the struggles adoptees can have.  That will best prepare you for being as empathic as you can be.

I wish you well.

Answer 14

Based on the question you have asked here, I strongly recommend you do not adopt.  There is indeed no point at all and you will not find what you are looking for.  You will be disappointed and the child will end up damaged.

Answer 15

I do hope that you don’t decide not to adopt because of some of the things you have read on YA. It is true that sometimes adoptees can have resentment towards birthparents and even adoptive parents. However please don’t think this is the case with every single adopted person.  I read somewhere that if adoptive parents are honest with their adopted children and open to discussing their adoption sometimes, that the child will be much closer to their parents. Don’t expect them to be like you, but I don’t thing birthparents should expect their kids to be like them. Everyone should be free to be their own person. If there are 2 people involved in the adoption then both must want the child, not one just caving in because it’s what their spouse wants.

The reality is no one who adopts knows where their adopted child will fall on spectrum all you can do is try and prepare for any scenario and just love them. Let them know you’ll always love them no matter what.

Answer 16

I don't think the types of statements that get posted on the Internet are a good measure of reality.  I have known dozens of people who were adopted, and only two have expressed real resentment toward their adoptive parents, usually for reasons and conditions well beyond any adoption issues.

Also, even if you do read the posts of this site, those that are resentful toward their adoptive parents usually cite specific problems with those parents (anger issues, resentfulness toward the child, general bad parenting, etc), which are problems you see with ANY parent and are hardly unique to adoptions.  Most posters state that they love their adoptive parents and view them as their family, even if they also desire a relationship with their birth family.

In short, if you are a good person and good parent, then there is no reason to assume any child you care for will resent you.  Their status as adopted or natural is not the critical factor.

Answer 17

I totally agree with what you're saying. I think that we get that impression from this board because the whiners are very blatant and wild about their whining. I think for the most part, people who are adopted are happy with their parents and aren't sad about being adopted.

Even if a child does resent you, I believe that will only be a phase most likely. Most teenagers resent their parents at one point in their life and then they grow out of it. Don't let that stop you from opening your heart! :)

Answer 18

Based on the fact you consider adoptees discussion of the pain and challenges faced to be mere "whining, "  I doubt you have the empathy (at this point) to be an excellent adoptive parent. Yes, I do believe that adoptive parents should be held to a higher standard of parenting because the losses which lead up to the situation of adoption are so great.

Answer 19

I don't resent my adoptive parents well maybe my first adad but that is another story  

I just resent secrets as does my adoptive mother.