Is there a way to do this tactfully on an invitation?

Question

i want to have like a either a potluck wedding or assign certain things to bring for everyone... is there a way to do this without looking really tacky?

Answer 1

Mrsc, a potluck wedding IS tacky.  You can dress is up all you want with pretty words - it still boils down to "I'm getting married, but you need to bring your own food."

Tacky.

And then ASSIGNING things for each person to bring?? Oh, my Lord, I wouldn't even bother to come to your wedding, honey.  A demanding bride is one thing - a demanding hostess is altogether another.

If you can't really afford a large meal for everyone, just serve some appetizers and soft drinks.  This is much better than a potluck.

Answer 2

If you are inviting close friends and family to a small, intimate gathering to celebrate your wedding, this is a great idea to enhance the intimacy of the gathering.

There are those who think a bridal couple or their parents should shell out TONS of bucks on a gathering to entertain their guests, but I completely disagree, and so do a lot of Dear Abby readers, as evidenced in a recent DA column:

DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I saw the letter from "Not Sure If I Do" (May 8), who hesitated to attend a potluck wedding at which guests would be expected to pitch in and do dishes.

That sounds a lot like a Quaker wedding. In my meeting house there would be no minister, no music -- perhaps some wildflowers picked from a nearby field. The couple would recite vows they had written. The only cost would be the courthouse fee and whatever the couple spent (if anything) on wedding attire.

In today's economy, how's that for saving money? "Not Sure" should let her hair down and get with the program. That wedding sounds like a hoot. -- PENNSYLVANIA QUAKER GIRL

DEAR QUAKER GIRL: I agree that in today's economy a potluck wedding may be the most practical choice for some couples. Many readers wrote to say that potluck weddings are not unusual today, and in some areas have become the norm. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: How refreshing! That wedding couple has the good sense not to spend a fortune putting on a lavish reception, and instead are inviting only friends they feel close to and requesting assistance in the form of food and setting up, etc. I'd rather be the friend of a couple like that than a guest at a lavish reception for casual acquaintances. -- HAPPY FOR THE COUPLE IN COLORADO

DEAR ABBY: Apparently "Not Sure" is looking to be entertained rather than wanting to contribute to make this a special day. Perhaps it's a money issue, or maybe it's just wanting to share the values that led them to choose this type of wedding. Wish them well and go, or stay home -- but don't judge them. -- ANNETTA IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR ABBY: It is traditional in Mexican families for the couple to go to friends and family and ask if they can pay for something in the wedding. It might be food, the hall, ring pillow, favors, etc.

These people are called "compadres" and "comadres." They also participate in the wedding and are mentioned in the wedding invitations -- including what they contributed. They also help to serve the food.

The persons providing the support do not need to also provide a gift, since they have already contributed to the wedding. -- ROSE K. IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I agree that the person who wrote that letter should not attend if she doesn't wish to participate, but I think you should have made it clear that not everyone has a catered wedding. Abby, you were correct that the person should send her regrets if she was offended by the invitation, but if she does, she will miss out on a very intimate and enjoyable occasion. -- B.E.C. IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

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I think you are making a brilliant choice.  Focus on the marriage, not the wedding.

I would contact the people by phone or speak with them in person to discuss the dishes to bring, or the tasks you would like them to handle.  Then send invitations separately.  You could also include a flyer with the invitations telling all invited how people are contributing.

Answer 3

I guess my family and friends are a lot closer than most.  I attended the wedding of my second cousin that had a pot luck dinner.  We thought nothing of it.  I agree that you may want to buy a little bit of extra food though just in case there isn't enough food to go around.  Maybe get some deli meats and cheese and fried chicken from a local grocery store along with a few side dishes.  I'm a vegetarian, and pot lucks can be a pain for me if I am not sure if a pasta dish has been made with meat sauce.  I would not recommend assigning food items though.  If 3 different people bring macaroni and cheese, great, more of that to go around!

If you don't want to do a pot luck, do a cheap buffet.  A few main dishes (complete with vegetarian pasta ;) ) and some side dishes.  You don't have to spend $20 a plate for your reception.

As for this whole "You better not be expecting too many gifts if you have a potluck wedding," ahh...  I can easily spend $10-$15 on a potluck dish and spend $20-$50 on a nice wedding gift.  If your guests are coming for the food, THEY are the ones being rude.  They want to throw you a toaster and shove their face full of steak.  What kind of loved ones are they?

Answer 4

Unfortunately, no. The first responder explains why.

The best way to approach this if you must is word of mouth. But you cannot force people that you invite to bring things, especially certain things. How would you feel if someone asked this of you? Most people would feel a bit put off.

Answer 5

Be careful about potluck receptions.

I attended one, and they ran out of food FAST!

Its best to discuss a dish with someone... so that way they know how much to make, and what dish you would like them to prepare, especially if they have one that you love!

Also, many people would bring a dish to pass as the gift for you two.. so if you expect a lot of gifts, this might not be the way to go.

Answer 6

I think that having a potluck wedding is a great idea. That way it keeps things very casual and your guests can bring significant others/children without feeling guilty that they're adding to your expenses. What I would do with the wording is say something to the extent of "Please join us for a potuck reception to follow the ceremony" and then ask guests to RSVP with how many will be attending and what dish they will be bringing. I personally wouldn't "assign" dishes because more than likely you will have people calling you and asking if there is anything in particular that you would like them to bring.

Great idea! I wish you the best on your upcoming wedding!

Answer 7

Asking your guests to contribute to something YOU are hosting is very tacky indeed. If you cannot afford to feed all of your guests, I'd suggest scaling down the guest list, or going with less expensive food items.

Answer 8

Well, I think that a potluck wedding isn't a good way to go- especially if you expect some wedding gifts.

Maybe schedule your wedding & reception between mealtimes so you can do smaller hors d'oeuvres. Perhaps between 1pm-5pm? That way, you can get away with small snacks and beverages.

Answer 9

Not really.  One thing you can do is say 'Instead of a gift, please bring a dish to share"