Is there any chance I could love him again?

Question

I asked a question earlier about how to leave my emotionally/verbally abusive husband. Someone posted "think about the kids and get them raised first. Well I been thinking about my kids for several years, I've been sticking it out, trying to make things work, but I have come to a point of hateful resentment. He's a narcissistic perfectionist.

Here's just some examples of what he says to me:

You'd just be living in a trashy trailer park if it wasn't for me.

You've got a big fat ***. (I'm a size 6)

You're so boring all the time.

I don't think you should hang out with your mom, it can't be that fun, and you always get stupid ideas from her.

He belittles everyone in my family, he won't even go to any of my familly get togethers, but expects that I go to all of his family's, anything that I enjoy doing he puts me down, tells me it's worthless and a waste of time (going back to college was one of these).

The tipping point for me was when I asked him to go to a counseling appt. with me and right when we got there, he took a call on his cell phone. I said,"I'll meet you inside, don't be too late," and I went in and waited, and waited and waited. finally I went outside to see WTH and he had driven away. Didn't come back for an hour. That just did it for me. I am so filled with hate and resentment. But, if I dragged him back to the counselor, and he managed to change, could I find it in my heart someway somehow, could I find a way to love him again?

Right now I think No, but What do I know?

Answer 1

There is always a possibility to love again, depends how bad you want it.  In your case, that is abuse, verbal abuse and you need to leave.  The relationship you are in is not healthy.  Don't you think you deserve to be treated with respect and love?  Don't you think you are worth it?  

Get out, clearly he doesn't think your marriage is worth saving and he thinks even less of you!

Answer 2

You know in your heart what you need to do.I think he knows he's not good enough and that's why he puts you down and stays away from your family I'm sure they know it to.He is the definition of narcissism and they don't change get yourself and your children out.You don't want them growing up believing this is how you treat someone you love and you certainly don't want them believing this is how you are treated

Answer 3

If for only what you state to be the truth to what you have unwillingly fallen prey to then love is not present nor will it ever be unless your husband wants to change his cruel demeaning way. You have fallen out of love with him and quite possibly feel no love for him even a little bit. So keeping all this in mind I think within you this relationship is done for, forgiveness may find your heart one day but the love you felt has all but vanished. This point should be a mute point, what you really need to do is think about your way out. Let go, walk away, close this chapter and move on. Imagine 10 years from now take your unhappiness multiply it by 100...things like this very rarely improve unless the abuser wants help and is ready to help himself.

I think you need to reevaluate what you think is best for you and your kids because I firmly believe the way he treats you the kids should never ever witness. Your environment in which you have made a home in sounds like the tension, angst, unease, and complete negativity has become the overall infrastructure and that ain't a healthy good place to raise children in. It is possible that one day your kids will eventually treat you the same way he does, with the disgust, disrespect, and disregard that he does, they learn by example. If you have a daughter all of this could raise her chances that she too may fall eventually victimized and stuck in same kind of circumstances you are Why.....well by you staying your'e saying by your actions that it is ok to be verbally assulted, harrassed, degraded and whatever else he may feel like throwing at you.

Now, by the grace of God, maybe he is an adoring loving father, then he could have half or partial custody ordered by the courts, the kids would still have the benefits of having a father figure to interact with.  If you think he is a danger to your children then you could also bring that to the forefront and properly dealt with. I am very sorry that all this is your reality but only you can stop this, Getting your sh-- together and moving on won't be an easy task, but you remember that old cliche'

"nothing worth having comes easy'"

I wish you luck and the courage it will take to take charge of your life for the better.  

Answer 4

It is not only about 'love' but will you ever trust this man again, will you ever respect him, will you ever 'like' him. I know it is hard to take that huge step to leave but you will learn to like and love yourself again when you do. There are many good support groups for abused women, and you are being abused - psychologically. Many women say that is the worst kind. Your children are no doubt seeing this and should it continue they may think this is the way to treat a partner, and go on to perpetuate his behaviour. You can do it.  

Answer 5

sometimes we need to give people what they need  not what they deserve.  I'm a sucker 4 a great marrage

Answer 6

Right now I'm in a situation just like you. My husband cheated on me and hates my family more than anything. He refused to go to counselling and just today i manged to drag him there. I'm waiting to see the out come. Some one just last evening told me to not to give up on him. i have planned to leave him with my 2 yrs old baby. But now I want to try one more time for the sake of the baby. Deep down in my heart I love him and care him. But I don't know whether my life would be the same again as before.

I'm trying hard to put things as normal again, I started by cooking his favourite meal....