Is there any leniency in the waiting period for adoption after a loss?

Question

My husband and i have lost two babies in the past year. Our son was born at 41 weeks and died at 36 hours old due to blood loss caused by Vasa Praevia. Our daughter was still born at 25 weeks and that was unexplained.

We have the plan that we will try one more time to take a healthy baby home and if we suffer another loss where i have to have a c-section (i had to have c-sections with those two) then we will start adoption.

The thing is, after reading the literature send by the adoption agency it says that they want couples who have suffered a loss to wait a year before starting adoption. Basically we dont want to wait that long. If we try again and suffer a loss it could be another 3 years from now before we are allowed to start the adoption process. I am 27 and my husband is 31.

I am aware that our age at the moment is good for the chances of us getting a child under 1 year old. The older we get, the older child we will be allowed. Now, i'm not saying that i wouldnt take a

Answer 1

oh my god to be honest i dont really know anything about adoption. im actually searching for information in trying to adopt my nephew-just want to say how sorry i am for your losses.i cant even imagine how you feel and wish you and your husband the best of luck in the future.

Answer 2

I feel that you should begin now with the process.  Have you thought about a outside the country adoption.  Russian and china Roamnia  Pray about it and talk to someone But you do need to put it in Gods hands Pray

Answer 3

oh my god to be honest i dont know anything about adoption but can i just say how sorry i am for your losses.i cant even begin to imagine how you feel and wish you and your husband the best in the future.

Answer 4

Firstly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your babies, I can't even imagine how heartbreaking that must be.

Are you sure that either adoption or natural conception are exactly the right choices for you right now?  You've both been through 2 unimaginable losses, in such a short time, I would imagine that there is so much grief for the two of you to experience and come to terms with.

I realise that for some people, the best way of coping with loss is to move forward, but if you're considering adoption, it would be my advice to make sure you are absolutely prepared for the challenges and needs of parenting a child, plus the extra needs that an adopted child has (they do have them).

Maybe counselling for yourself and your husband would be the best way for you to make this decision?  Adoption is definitely not something to be taken lightly under any circumstances, but given your specific situation, there are so many additional needs to work through.

Personally, if I was in your shoes, I would start by having some counselling, to discuss all my options and gather information from those parties involved.  I would also have a big heart-to-heart with my husband, to make sure we were absolutely on the same page with what we wanted.

That's when I would start either ttc or adoption proceedings, whichever I found to be the better choice.

Are you totally sure that adoption is what you want, or is it that you feel it will be a 'safer' option that concieving naturally?  I honestly don't mean that to sound cruel, I do understand, but you do need to make sure that, should you adopt a child, you're not settling for "second best".  Every child deserves better than that.

As far as the leniency for the waiting period, I think you'll find that this is exactly why the agencies set a 1 year period.  Even if you wait the 3 years, you're only going to be 30.  That's plenty young enough to have a child!  Plus, you never know what could happen in that time, sometimes things have a way of resolving themselves.

Whatever you decide, good luck to you and your future child!

Answer 5

What about if you adopt now, and then after 2 years try one more time for your own baby, so you have the best of both worlds.

But I can see why an agency would say to wait a year after a loss....so they can be sure you aren't adopting out of grief, and tat you really do wish to adopt. (which isn't your case, but they have to think that way).

Answer 6

I am sorry to hear about your losses.  I too have lost babies  (one of twins in 2000 and twins in March of this year) and I know how heartbreaking this is.

Is there a reason why the still birth was unexplained other than she was severely premature?  I hope doctors are able to explain things to you and reassure you that the chances of giving birth to a healthy baby are good.   I lost three but I also  have three healthy children

The rules for adoption are there for good reason.  It is not for us to attempt to circumvent them to meet our own needs, although I know alot of people try to.

Does the same rule apply to fostering?  I am sure you would find fostering very rewarding and lord knows, there are so many lovely children in care who get by-passed because of people demanding babies.  Please give them a chance if you can

Best Wishes

Dear Monique T

this lady lives in the UK where private adoption is illegal so there are no agencies fleecing money out of adoptive parents and making money off the backs of babies - thank god!

Also what you are suggesting - finding a pregnant girl and adopting her baby is also illegal practice in the UK - thank god!

Answer 7

You can always TTC as well as start the adoption process.

With your history and ((((HUGE HUGS)))) to you, like me, it's best to go ahead and keep your adoption plan even if you get pregnant during the adoption process.

I never made it as far along as you pregnancy wise...but with my multiple miscarriage history, I've learned that pregnancy, at least with me, is not a sure thing.

I have many friends on adoption.com who TTC and went through the adoption process at the same time.

Some of them even brought home their biological baby and were matched with an infant a few months later and adopted them as well.

Some were like us, not so lucky, and the adoption plan went through without a hitch.

Keep in mind, however, not every agency will have that "waiting period" requirement, so "shop around" to see if all the agencies in your area share the same belief.

I am 33 and hubby is 44, and we adopted a 9 and 10 year old from the state last year...so all of these requirements you mention sound agency specific.

Best of luck honey, take care of yourself.

Answer 8

I am so very sorry for your losses.  And I know you feel you are handling them well, but...  the rule of thumb for the time it takes to fully grieve a loss is 2 years, and people are generally unable to grieve more than one loss simultaneously.  I would recommend counseling.  If the counselor feels you have processed your grief, s/he could write a letter to the agency on your behalf.  If not, s/he could certainly help you through the process.  Either way, you win.  Go from there.

Answer 9

I feel so bad for you!!!!! If you 2 lived closer i swear I would try to help you both!!! If planning to adopt try to find a pregnant girl that doesn't want her baby instead of going to an agency. These agencies are  so stupid when they ask for any money for heaven sake these babies/children need a home there not dogs or cats! My friend just  adopted a baby boy and only paid for lawyer fee's to complete the adoption which was like 1,500 and when they looked into adoption agencies they were 5,000 + even threw the state adoption's. Her co worker's lil sis at 16 years old got pregnant and couldn't keep it so that's how she got the lil guy! I wish you all luck!!!!!!! god bless you! I know the hurt of loosing a child it seems to stick with you for the rest of you life.

Answer 10

Could you start your adoption process and then maybe once you have a child then a year later you could try for a biological baby. Or even start the process and still TTC. Then whatever happens you’d have a child, and could luck out and have two great kids.  I also can understand why they would want to wait a year. Otherwise as has  been said they feel your only adopting out of grief, heck I don’t even think people should try extremely soon after losing a child (however old he or she is) to conceive another. Its almost like they want to replace the child they lost.