Is there any way to save my marraige of over 16 years?

Question

my husband and i have had many ups and downs through the years, as many couples do. 3 months ago he left our two girls and me. telling me he just can't stand me any more. he served me divorce papers last week. i still love him and wish he'd try one more time. also right before he left us. he had a text affair for 12 days texting back and forth with another woman 3000 textes day and night. telling me she is just a friend to him not to involve her. it broke my heart and i told him so and he just does not seem to care. i've even started studying the mans ways online to try and figure out whats going on with him, to try and save my marriage. he also lost alot of wieght over the three month period that he never lost in 16 years. i'm so broken up over this i can.t seem to move on any ideas please?

Answer 1

Though it is hard to accept for the person in your position (the person who stayed while the other spouse left), the Bible says that if an unbelieving spouse wants to leave the marriage you should let them go. This is hard to take.  However, the harsh reality is that you cannot "make" him stay.  He can choose to be irresponsible even when you choose to remain true.  The question you have to face is how do you re-stabilize yourself and begin to pick up the pieces.  A lot of the situation depends on how old your girls are too.  That doesn't change your situation, but for them will make a difference as to how they react and adjust.  If you've expressed to him that you still love him and desire to reconcile your marriage and he decides to leave any way and go through with the divorce, you need to contact a good attorney and be sure that your rights and the girls rights are seen to.  Don't sign anything he gives you without your attorney's okay.  Don't agree to anything without your attorney's okay.  Make sure the future provisions for the girls are taken care of.  None of this makes it any easier for you, but it can make a difference regarding your stress level, etc, with the reality of the situation.  Emotionally, it will take time for you to come to grips with it all.  One thing you can do is to find a good, solid, Christian professional counselor to help you walk through this.  A good counselor will be there to help you and not judge you and allow you to express all of your feelings while helping you put together a plan to stabilize your life.  I wish you well.

Answer 2

i no how u feel ive been married for 6 years but ive been with him for 12 years ... i found out he was  chatting to a lady online and he seemed to be getting close.Wen i found out he was so angry with me for snooping around he called me the worst names and beat me to the ground(it was the first time he ever did that)...i will never forgive....but i remain to stay cos financially im dependant ...but he just sickens me....even if your husband came back...i dont think u will recover from the hurt u feel now but if u let him go ....u will start the healing process ...it will be slow but just think u will be free to be who u are and wanna be...and theres a whole world waiting out there for u ...so embrace it.

Answer 3

we both know this saying "if you love someone, let them go.... if they love you they will return".  He has already broken away from you and more than likely nothing you do will change things. It also sounds like he is a little worried that you might try to bring "her" into this as someone who has contributed to the ruin of your marriage. (he said "not to involve her"). hmmmmm.  He has moved on and you need to let him go. Funny thing, he may be infatuated with this other woman right now, but when the "new" wares off he will probably come running back to you. Focus on you and your daughters now. Don't dwell on this or you will drive yourself crazy. Life sucks sometimes...but not for long.  Good luck to you!!!

Answer 4

sorry to hear bou wats goin on....but never give up hope....

the best way out of this wud be goin up to d woman hes  been textin...n makin her understand dat...shes not only spoiling ur life but also ur kids...if not...den make ur hubby calm n have a nice talk of wat he really wants n xpects from a wife dat he desires....ask him wat he saw in d oder female dat was mising in u...tell him dat u really love him n wanna make dis small life more beautiful....all along wid a family...its a realtion of 16 years how can 1 jus leave it o break it for d sake of nethin...o ne1....ups n downs are d parts of life...d only thing dat works is positive attitude....bring it in him...win his heart and confidence...even try n indulge ur kids in2 it....put in all dat u can...coz u really care not only for him but for ur kids 2....tell him...dat u are not only d part o the family but a part of u......

god bless u..tc n keep smiling...

Answer 5

What a horrible time you and the girls must be going through, unfortunately he has to want to be with you.  Went through something similar three years ago with the same marriage length.  Things get better with time.  

Answer 6

you can't make someone love you, just like you can't make someone

change.  been there- mine left after 24 years.  It wasn't till later that I figured out how afraid I was, how much I thought I needed him.  What I needed was to heal, become whole and discover me.  I had been so wrapped up in him for so long; I prayed and prayed.  I realized later

that God had something better for my life.  took time though.

get out and get support- a group of supportive people who will rally around you and lift you up on those dark days.  you'll make it, and you

will do more than survive; you will be absolutely victorious!

Answer 7

NO

Answer 8

As much as I hate saying this, but it seems like it is over between the two of you... Let o of him if you really love him, I'm sure you'll find someone out there that will love and respect you the way you deserve!

good luck with all my heart

Can you help me with my question thankshttp://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 9

Oh the "my wife doesn't understand me" routine. It is hard, but let him go and start leading your own life. He will be back, because he will find out no one loved him the way you did. The other woman will find out he can't be trusted and get rid of him. By then you will find out that you don't really need him, and if he did it once, he will do it again.   You have to have faith in yourself.  The more you fight to save it the harder it will be. You are having a natural reaction, but believe me, if the divorce goes through you will ask yourself why you cried a tear over him.  

Answer 10

I think its so hard to let go because you have been together for so long, and even though its easy to say let go you better off without him, I know how much it hurts because you do love, him, however I am going to say it any way, let him go and let God have him, if he cant show you any more respect than that after 16 years then you don't need him, focus on finding yourself as a woman again without him, take time to grieve and to pain, but don't become so engulfed in that grief and pain that you stay there. pray your way through this too shall pass, and trust me he will probably need you again before you need him

Answer 11

It sounds to me sweety, that he was so very unhappy.  If he's losing weight now, he could also be shedding all his unhappiness.  May be you just got comfortable in the relationship and stopped even trying where romance, respect, and love were needed.

May be get some counseling to help you deal.   If he can't any longer stand you, I doubt there is really much you can do about it, except to work on YOU.

Answer 12

Gee, where to I start here?  you have two very large questions.....

First, I think marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust, and sweetie, the trust is gone with the emotional betrayal... so as well, the respect and admiration you had for him is likely severely crippled.  And you can't make someone want to be with you.....

And realize something about marriage.... just because one lasts 50 years doesn't mean it was successful, and just because it lasted 16 doesn't mean it was a failure.... You got two lovely daughters out of it.

Like everything, marriages die.... people do, pets do, marriages do, even if they stay together, they can be dead!!!!!... and they die in part because of the children we have... we go from being lovers to parents--three has always been a crowd, (and just as a little aside, the happiest of couples are always those who opt out of having children). Marriages die in part because we change, and they die because we ask too much of them.

How do you move on is another question, and answer... first, hon, you need to grieve the death of your marriage, and you do that with help with a counselor.

Then you decide if you wish to be partnered again.... and that, sweetie, is another option.  And then I can help you with that.

Answer 13

I am sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, it sounds like your husband does not want to be married any longer. He apparently has moved on with his mistress. It is sad because he is willing to throw away 16 years of marriage and two children for another woman. I suggest that you seek professional counseling for yourself so that you can be strong for your daughters because they too will be hurt by all of this. I also suggest that you and your husband speak to your daughters together (without arguing in front of them) about the divorce. Children are sometimes confused and will display anger in weird ways.

Please do not  "study" why your husband is acting this way also.   At this point, try to focus on yourself and your children and look forward to a life without him. I know it will be hard to focus on that. Because of what's going on your husband has made it clear and has even put it in writing that he no longer wants to be a part of the family (same household). A husband and a wife must make the marriage work and now he has decided to exclude himself from that. I am sorry madam, but be strong and look out for yourself and your children.