Is there anyone here who believes that children don't deserve a family?

Question

I'm trying to understand the thinking behind the assumption that anyone who does not believe in adoption - or a certain kind of adoption - is implying that children don't "deserve" a family.

I'm sure that most of the regulars on this site know my point of view that all children deserve a loving, warm, emotionally stable family made up of people one is directly related to. If this arrangement is not possible, then of course a substitute should be found - again, a loving, warm, emotionally stable family - preferably one that the child is somehow related to. And if that's not available, then a third-best, fourth-best, etc. substitute should be sought for the child.

I've never heard anyone say, or imply, that children don't deserve a family. Of course, no child deserves to be abandoned - or deal with feelings of abandonment - raised by strangers in a strange world. If that option MUST be sought because the #1 choice isn't possible, well ok. But I don't understand the thinking...

Answer 1

There's no logic to it. I believe people with that mentality tell themselves that as another excuse for their desperation.

The only people I know that talk like that are people that are on the "Wait List" and are complaining how long it takes to get a one as if they were waiting for a cute new puppy.

The sad reality is that if these people on these wait lists truly wanted to adopt to help a child out that needs a home, they would be trying to adopt the child thats sitting in foster care being ignored instead of waiting for what "they" want because they can't create it themselves.

Answer 2

I adopted two children in foster care: ages 3 and 18 months with severe emotional problems and delays. I did this with in my province, Ottawa Ontario. Here they make every effort to keep the child within the birth family, giving parents, who have neglected or abused their children a chance to learn how to be a good parent. They also lend them support while they go thru rehabs. If the parent refuses treatment, or fails after many tries, the CAS then searches for a placement within the family of origin; however, they do not look for 2nd or 3rd best placements. They believe every child deserves THE best placement possible, even if that means that child will be brought up in a non-relative family. Ironically, money has little to do with finding the placement. Someone, within the family of origin, who is low income but is still deemed the placement, would be given financial help.

In the end, my childrens' birth mother could not complete rehab. She loved her children very much but understood that the life she was living was not healthy for her kids.

Although our adoption is a closed adoption, I send pictures and letter and share all of my kids art work with her, in packages that I spend a lot of time putting together. I told her on the final visit with her kids, that I would NEVER erase her and that I would help the kids find her when they are 18. She deserves hope. My prayer is that she will clean herself up so that they might have a relationship with her when they are older. We even keep pictures of her up around the house and talk about her often.

Yes, every child deserves a loving family, and I hear you say that. However, every child deserves the emotionally best family they can have, whether it be in family of origin or not.

Answer 3

Of course every child deserve a family.

People who object to certain adoption practices do so because they care very much what happens to children.

Answer 4

All children deserve a loving family & stable home life, IMHO! I don't get the argument against adoption altogether.  I sincerely respect the opinions of my fellow adoptees in this forum.

Sadly, sometimes a child's related family are not able to properly care for the child.  Addiction, abuse, severe family dysfunction.  NO child should have to grow up in a family with these issues.  Adoption doesn't necessarily ensure a child will grow up free from abuse.  I know, because I was adopted by alcoholic parents.  

I am all for adoption REFORM. Adoption shouldn't be a 'for profit' endeavor, but rather should be child centered. (But children don't vote, do they?)  

I don't believe that orphanages provided a better system of care for children separated from their families. Neither is foster care an ideal situation.  

It's a complicated, difficult issue...what to do with children who can't safely remain with their families of origin?

Interesting question! I look forward to everyone's thoughts on this issue.

ETA: In response to JL re:international adoption. ALL children deserve a loving home & family. That's NOT the issue I & many others have with international adoption. It's the reason(s) that some people adopt internationally:

1) To avoid "birth mama drama", that is, they don't want interference from the child's first family.  

2) In some countries, international adoption circumvents US adoption laws established to protect the CHILD's best interests.

3) In many countries you can't be sure the child wasn't coerced or kidnapped from a mom, or that the mom hasn't been put in a position to "sell" her child to support her family.  

There are other reasons, too.  I love it when people say they "know" their international child's family background & the reasons for adoption. You know what you've been told. Which may be untrue.  

Not saying it's 'always' the case, but these are the concerns I & many others have.  And why aren't US children as worthy of adoption? Please explain...

ETA: I was actually going to add, 'unless you meet a child's relinquishing parents & ASK THEM, you don't know'.  LOL Good for you, JL!  As I said, I don't mean that EVERY IA is trafficking.  I get your point, but the question is about ppl who object to adoption or certain kinds of adoption being accused of implying that children don't deserve a family.

As a foster/adopt child, I DO know that DSS doesn't always tell adopting parents the truth, or the whole story b/c my a.parents were told a false story.  I know b/c I SAW THE COURT DOCS, & eventually met my 1st mom.  I'm a BSE (baby scoop era) adoptee - it was much easier to terminate parental rights when I was little than it is today. My mom was a poor, working mom, abandoned by a husband before AFDC or food stamps.  

As a former CASA (court appointed special advocate), I also know that in today's foster care, at least in my county, most children are not removed from their parents until a parent is arrested. There's often a 2 year history of calls to DSS made by a number of different people, & still, the child remains in an abusive, dangerous or neglectful home.  Parental rights aren't terminated as easily today as they were in the past.

Answer 5

speaking from someone who was adopted by so called  ideal candidates who then divorced 2 years later and slowly was disconnected all together from the "family" I can tell you I would of rather of been raised through the system then through dysfunction.

Answer 6

"Why do people adopt from other countries when they could have adopted children in the US?"  

Take that question to its logical conclusion.

The question certainly implies that it is "better" or "preferable" to adopt children in the US instead of from other countries.  

So, if it is "better" or "preferable" for people to only provide homes for children in the US, what is it about children in other countries that makes them less "preferable"?  Why is it "better" to provide homes for children in the US?  

Why isn't it simply "preferable" to just provide a home for a child, regardless of national origin?

It's not a huge stretch, really.    

Think about how you would respond if when you said you were adopting from foster care, people said

"Why are you adopting from the US when there are orphaned children in the world that will probably die from starvation, disease or war if they were't adopted?  At least foster children in the US will have food, shelter and an education?  Shouldn't your time and money go to children that will never have those opportunities?"

See? Doesn't sound good when the proverbial shoe is on the other foot, does it?

It sounds as though the person who would say this thinks that it's "preferable" to adopt a child from another country, as opposed to one in the US.   Or that children in the US don't deserve a family, doesn't it?

So every time there's one of those "Why didn't you adopt in the US?" questions, what I'm hearing is "It's better to adopt in the US.  US children are more deserving for your money, time, family and love than YOUR children are, because YOUR children were not born in the US."

That's my logic in countering with "Why don't you think my children deserve a family?"

ETA: Robin: I have never, nor have I ever seen any of the IA parents here openly criticize or attack a PAP or AP that chose a different adoption route.  I have never, nor have seen any of the IA parents here tell people looking for beginning adoption information that international adoption is the "best" route for them (even though they don't know the PAPs, their parenting ability or their situation)

In fact, the IA parents on this board have been very good about encouraging beginning PAPs to look at all options carefully, to be sure that they are dealing with an ethical agency, to make sure that culture/language/race/heritage is protected and preserved as much as possible.  And most importantly, IA parents have said that International adoption is not for everyone.

So, it isn't a matter of thinking that American children aren't deserving of adoption, it's a matter of encouraging people to look at ALL options before making whatever choice is best, according to their unique needs.  

I agree with you that avoiding "baby mama drama" is not a good reason to adopt internationally.  In many cases it is possible to keep some level of connection with the adoptees family.  Sometimes, it's not.  But sometimes it is.

Bear in mind that some of us who say we know for a fact that our children weren't trafficked might have actually met our children's family and asked them for ourselves.  Maybe those of us who say we "know", actually do.  

And if it's a matter of "knowing what we're told", couldn't that apply to foster parents as well?  There are certainly cases of children being taken from their homes prematurely, based on some judgement of the social worker, then made available for adoption also prematurely.  I've heard stories about that on this very forum.  So how can the foster-adopt parents "Know for sure" that their children weren't victimized by an overzealous social worker or that their parents weren't coerced into signing away their rights.  It can happen here too.  

Bottom line, all of the IA parents here have been very respectful of all adoptive parents, regardless of the route chosen.  It would be nice if we could get that same courtesy.

Answer 7

I guess you can call me a person that was 3rd of 4th best then, because I was adopted outside of family completely.  So were my 2 adopted children.  It never ceases to amaze me that adoption is hated more than abortion. I know, I know most people will tell me to stop saying that adoption is an alternative to abortion.  I feel that it is both and alternative to abortion and parenting as well. There are many children out there that were not adopted and they will abandoned by their parents, just because they were not there for them- my hubby is on of them. I am speaking for myself here- I never felt abandoned however when people say that if we are adopted outside the family circle that that is really a 3rd of 4th choice for a woman, then it begins to take a negative connotation. No wonder birth moms feel like they should not consider adoption these days!

Answer 8

Jennifer L, from one IA Mom who is sick of that BS question, to another... You ROCK!!!!