Is there screening for Anger problems in adoptive parents?

Question

I can't help but notice how many very angry adoptive parents are on this forum. I was raised by an adoptive father who could not control his rage and it manifested in much the same way as some of the posters here, long nonesical insults, breaking objects, kicking in doors, unfocused,disporportionate, fear based. Actually quite frightening, he blamed "liberals" for a lot of things, that type.

My question is, how common is this kind of anger in adoptive parents and are these questions even asked about in the home study?

In other words why are so many disturbed people allowed to adopt?

Answer 1

We were definitely drilled on our relationship patterns in our homestudy.  We had to disclose any treatment for psychological disorders or treatment by a psychologist  or psychological medications, the lack of which had to be confirmed by our family doctor .  We had to do 3 hours of interview and an extensive written questionaire.  We were asked about everything imaginable in our homestudy.  Even our s*x life (not kiddding.)  I don't think that all homestudy agencies are as thorough, but there are state requirements for homestudy agencies and they do have to meet those requirements, which are fairly rigid, but also could use some reform.  Anyway,I felt like our particular homestudy had to be more up close and personal than what an ob would see if I gave birth! :)

edited to add:  Someone wrote that they thought people adopt internationally to avoid a homestudy.  This is not accurate.  International adoption requires a homestudy that meets the criteria of the state in which they live just like those adopting domestically, plus they have to meet the criteria of U.S. immigration and the foreighn government, which has it's own criteria.

edited again:  I'm confused.  What's to thumb down in my answer?  I gave my experience with my homestudy and gave factual information about the process of international adoption.  There wasn't even any opinion in it.

Answer 2

there should definitely be some type of screening for anger. my adoptive father is a very angry person and it has caused many problems in our family.

Answer 3

My guess is that this anger stems from unresolved infertility issues. There is quite a lot of documentation that the inability to reproduce can create tremendous psychological suffering in some. Unfortunatly it's an illness that can often be concealed for brief periods of time, when attempting to make a good impression.

Answer 4

that is why there needs to be reforms in the adoption process. No child either biological or adoptive should be subjected to any parent with anger problems! I'm sorry that your adoptive father was angry and took it out on you. That was not fair.

*************Edit-

Aloha.girl59 I don't allow email because people like you think I'm c**p for every thinking about my birth mother or saying there needs to better reforms in adoption so all involved in the process are doing what is best for the child.*****

*****Sorry Aloha.girl59 with all the insults going around on this forum, I guess i'm hyper senstive, so i take things too personally.*****

Answer 5

My adoptive mother was an extremely angry person who was prone to rages, throwing things, destrying other people's property, and used one child to 'gang up' on another child in our home.  My adoptive father turned a blind eye to this--I think he felt parenting was women's work.  There is no way they were psychologically screened.  My amother's behavior would warrant visits from CPS today.

I know lots of APs.  Only 3 I can think of are not 'angry' people.  Most I would describe a seething volcanos, ready to blow at any time.  My guess is that many never got past their infertility issues.  They bought into the myth that children can be raised 'as if' they are their own.  They feel it's not fair, and someone's got to pay--usually the kid.

I believe that is another MAJOR reason for international adoption's popularity.  If you can 'skip' the 'intrusive' homestudies, and bypass the social worker's follow-up visits, all the better!

Ultimately, the emotional life of the child needs to be paramount to the  adoption industry's emphasis on a child having material things.

The most sucessful--truly--people I know, are people who grow up in nurturing, respectful homes.  Not in homes with lots of THINGS, and parents who are verbally violent.

In many years of waitressing I learned a valuable lesson--you cannot be a jerk to a waitress, and then be a  sweetheart the rest of the time.  People who namecall, use exploitive language, and are disrespectful about others' experiences, are not kind in other areas of their lives.

Answer 6

I would think that a good many adopters develop anger issues in response to the adoption issues they encounter. I can only imagine how hard it must be to raise a child who was dealt such low blows at birth.

My adoptive father has anger issues, I really should say had though. When my amom got sick and it became apparent that she would die his anger issues intensified dramatically. He directed them at me, I was a rebellious teen and that cause more rebellion and then more anger on his part.

I think it is very easy to appear to be a loving and caring person with no issues at all during the few hours (in relation to every day life) that a prospective adopter spends with social workers and agency personel.

Answer 7

Just to add insight, i am a very easy going adoptive parent, but i think what WE are missing here is the word parent, any parent reguardless of adoptive or not can be an angry person. i am sorry you experianced that type of anger from a parent, so do i think its common of just adoptive parents, no. common of parents, maybe. I think ALL parents reguardless of adoptive or not need to take 5 if they are angry or just not be parents. I know, easier said than done.  I honestley dont believe that so many people are allowed to adopt, i know a lot of adoptive parents, who are awsome parents. I guess it depends which state you live in. sorry for your experiance. oh and for the comment reguarding the "$$$" thats not true by any means, our home study was easy becouse we are open people, so it didnt bother us fo people to come to our home at any given time, ask us about our s*x life, our childhood, past relationships, views on life, what we eat, how much sleep we get, i'm sure you dont want me to go on.  We are parents who love our son with all our heart and it a shame that we are being labled as if we are baby buyers, it truley makes me sad that people feel that way, but it is your right, not true, but your right. many prayers.

Answer 8

Wow, isn't this the pot calling the kettle black! What a "plethora" of  hypocrites these anti-adoption trolls are! Let us ask the same question in reverse. Why are so many "disturbed people" allowed to fornicate, overpopulate this planet and expect society to pay them for their colossal mistakes?

Joy, not once did you mention a child and her/his welfare. That is tragic. What is your problem other than the fact that you don't care about anyone or anything except for yourself? Sorry about your dad, joy. My advice is to read all you can about Karma & reincarnation, and next time around, hopefully you'll make better CHOICES. Mark the time, everyone, because if you see something about a child/children here now, she's gone back to insert it and try to cover her tracks.

"Is there screening for Anger problems" & mentally disturbed, delusional, drug addicted, alcoholic, promiscuous, nonsensical (don't you have spell check?), prostituting breeders, who couldn't care less about a child and her/his best interests? No, apparently not, but it certainly should be a law. At least puppy mills are being shut down. Reforms are definitely needed in your case.

Poor Healing takes EVERYTHING personally.

Erin: welcome to the thumbs down club!

Answer 9

Well my parents have never had anger issues. The few other adoptive parents I know don’t either. Most of them also have biological children too, so they wouldn’t be having anger issues due to infertility even if they had anger issues.  When you look at it there are unstable people everywhere. Heck  maybe even biological parents should have to go through some screening before being they are allowed to have children. I don’t see why any type of parent should be held to a higher standard, a parent is a parent.

Answer 10

The homestudy process which includes references is supposed to check for any issues in the adoptive parent which would preclude them from adopting. I would say that your father's issues should've been found. It is very unfortunate that the homestudy process is not regulated, and thus can not only vary state to state, but county (or parish) to county as well. This allows for a lot of subjective, personal opinions on the part of the social workers. Much like other professionals (doctors, police officers), people who are well dressed, educated to some degree, speak well, go to church, and are "respected members of the community", are often given the benefit of the doubt. The process has probably improved since your childhood, but in my opinion not sufficiently.

As far as most adoptive parents having anger issues, I hope not. I don't know if I've ever seen that specific research. But most adoptees are happy with their adoptive parents so I would guess not the majority at any rate. Of course, if you are just using this forum as your evidence, I would suggest that it is not valid. Much of the adoptive parents anger is directed at being attacked, and both "sides" are exhibiting a lot of defensive moves here which I feel is very unfortunate.

Sorry, Joy,  I guess I did incorrectly read your question--many and most. My apologies. I still hope that many adoptive parents aren't angry.

Sunny, just so you know, homestudies are a requirement for international adoption as well as domestic adoption.n Any adoption (private, independent, international, domestic, even kinship) requires a homestudy.  In fact, some international adoption homestudies are more complex and longer (depends on the nation from which you want to adopt). I don't know about all states, but in mine follow-ups for international adoptions are the same as for domestic ones. (I DO agree with you about waitressing!!!)

Answer 11

There was not any kind of psychological screening when I was adopted.

My adoptive father had serious psychological problems.  Primarily, he HATED women.  He lost his father when he was 12 and was very angry with his mother and sister for not letting him become the head of the family.  Talk about anger issues!

He took it out on his two adopted daughters, emotionally abusing us so that we grew up to be powerless as adults.  His wife (my adoptive mother) was virtually a cocker spaniel on a short leash.  She too was raised to be powerless, and that made her his perfect wife.  So she, too, had psychological problems that prevented her from modeling healthy female behavior for her daughters.

No doubt the adoption agency found her subservience to be quite charming - if they noticed it at all.  Mostly they cared that they had a nice house, nice cars, and went to church every Sunday (and, of course, had the money).

My adoptive parents already had a son (their natural son) and he, as one can imagine given my afather's attitude, was treated quite differently than us two girls.  It was a very painful childhood, both physically and emotionally - not because of adoption per se but because the adoption "professionals" were not looking out for our best interests.  

It is quite possible that my adoptive sister (may she rest in peace) and I might have been given to an absolutely wonderful family, but I don't believe that would have eliminated all our issues.  There would still remain issues of identity and maternal/familial loss.  There is no amount of screening that can prevent these things.

**********

P.S. For those who dismiss bad adoptive parenting by saying that there is also bad bio parenting...

I am adamant in my belief that adoptive parents should be held to a much higher standard.  There is very little psychological testing that goes on even today.  Most adoption "professionals" rely on recommendations from adopters' friends, family & acquaintances.  

And since most people don't understand the need for "parenting plus" required in adoptive parenting, they think raising adopted children is no different than raising bios.  So, they give their friends a glowing report because they want them to be happy, never thinking of the adoptive children's needs.

Punxy is correct in saying that the adoption industry is not regulated.  This (mandatory psychological testing) is one of the reforms that many people here talk about.  It should be made a standard.  And how hard should that be, considering the huge demand for adopted children and the high prices to adopt?

I have actually (and sadly) seen a lot of disturbed people adopt children.  You can see them every day on adoption message boards.  Some are practically drooling vitriol at the natural families of their adopted children - soooo damaging to the children they claim to care about.

Far too many of them cannot deal with the reality that their adopted child has two families and refuse to believe that THEIR child will have issues - because they believe they will be better parents than the ones we had.  But that will never be true as long as they ignore the issues that are so common among adopted people.

We have proven that concept to be false generation after generation.  The same things were being said in the 70s and 80s, but now people who were adopted back then have come of age and are saying the same things.

And I agree with Mexirican that there should be a standard of follow-up to adoptions.  Unfortunately, once the adoption is final (unless it is foster-to-adopt) everyone pretty much washes their hands of the situation.

If there had been follow-up with my adoption, maybe one of the "professionals" would have removed my sister and me from that adoptive family.

EDIT........

Erin L... I did not give you a 'thumbs down.'  But I do want to point out that the process you went through would not have prevented my adoptive parents from adopting.  Another adoptive parent here on Y!A said that her agency did do psych testing - apparently one of only about 10 agencies in the country.  

Since my adoptive father never sought nor received treatment for behavioral problems, it would not have been revealed - nor would a three-hour interview or any other questions.  I DO think that an MMPI would have revealed much, and that is one of the psych test that I advocate for prospective adoptive parents.

Answer 12

I am sorry that you had a bad experience with your adopted father, but I feel your experience has little to do with your being adopted.  Many people who were not adopted also had bad parents.

Should your adoptive father been allowed to adopt...?  No.  When we adopted, we went through an extensive home study.  We were interviewed about our past, our upbringing, etc.  Could we have lied?  Yes.  Would it be possible to slip through...? Yes.  But, short of extensive psychological testing (which can also be 'got around' by smart people), there is no way to be sure.

As to your statement that there are "So many disturbed people" who are allowed to adopt, I don't feel there is much support for your claim.  As another answerer has said, most adoptees feel their adoption was a positive experience.  

One thing you can say about adoptive parents is that they must at least go through a process before they have the children, we must prove we are stable and financially capable, there is no such selection process for 'natural' parents.

Answer 13

On adoption forums, I have read the posts of adoptive parents where they describe home studies as "a piece of cake".  So I guess that means there must not be any screening for anger problems.

It's about the $$$.  Got $$$ for an infant adoption?  Okay, you pass.  Can you save us $$$ for foster care?  Okay, you pass.

Answer 14

Wow. What a biased question. But what else can we expect from you and the rest of your anti-adoption cronies?

You are the one who sounds angry here. If what you say about your upbringing is true, that's terrible. No one should be subjected to that kind of treatment. But to infer that 'so many disturbed people' adopt is the same as inferring that all adopted children were stolen from their birth mothers. Neither assumption is accurate and you know it. Yes, there are people on this forum who respond angrily to your questions! You and your pack seem to make a sport of riling people up and then you barrage them with thumbs downs and nasty answers. You are not behaving any better than the hard core pro-adoption people when you ask questions like this.

Get some counseling. Will you ever get over your hurt and the feeling of loss? Probably not and that's too bad. But not everyone's experience is like yours was. Instead of spreading hurt, do something to change the situation if you're so unhappy with it.

Ooh, what a shocker! I just posted a couple of minutes ago and I already have two thumbs down. I'm sooo surprised.  <rolls eyes>

I did not threaten anyone. Reread my post. I find it very interesting (and sad) that just because I disagree with someone, I am labeled as a threat. I also find it very interesting that many of you in the anti-adoption Mafia don't allow email from other posters. Gee, I wonder why that is...?

Note to A Healing Adoptee:

I wasn't referring to you when I said that certain people don't allow email. I was referring to the person who posted below me. As for thinking you are "c**p," I don't think that about anyone on this forum, whether that person agrees with me or not! Don't put words into my mouth, please. My son was adopted and I fully expect him to think and ask about his birth mother. I think that is a given for any adopted person! If you had read any of my other posts, you would see that I don't advocate 'hiding' anything from my son about his adoption story or his birth mother. So please, before you accuse, do some research. I don't think you're c**p at all. I just don't agree with everyone's point of view and apparently that makes me evil. So be it.

Isabel:

I only wanted to email you to ask you why you felt threatened by my post. I thought maybe we could discuss our viewpoints off this forum. I don't email people in order to threaten, insult, or otherwise disparage them. I'm sorry that you've had some nasty emails and that ruined it for the rest of us who would like to have an adult conversation with you. Aloha.

Healing:

Thanks for apologizing. I really appreciate it! You are a much bigger person than many of us who use this site. Aloha to you.

Answer 15

I'll probably get 10 thumbs down for this one, but life goes on.

Just for a little background, I was twice adopted both placements were disasters. I survived, but not with out some bruises. I am married, we have a family. We are foster parents, open to adoption. In fact I am pro-adoption. Just think the system needs some restructuring.

I used to have to interview potential employees for the company I worked for. We did background tests, personalities tests, and used a three interview process. You would think that this would really weed out the bad ones. In the end you do end up with some great employees. But there are always going to some sh***y ones that slip through the cracks.

People put their best foot forward when they really want a job. Can you imagine how charming they would be to an adoption agency or birth parent. Does anyone expect them to say "Yeah, I kick the dog around when he pees on the floor, but it's OK it's just the dog" Or "When I get angry I take it out on everyone around me" Both sets of my adoptive parents sucked! I struggled with this question for along time. Sometimes I still wonder how it happened. But it did and I have to get past it. Part of that for me is being a mom and a foster mom. I can give these children something I didn't get.

Back to the need to reform the US adoption laws. The screening process could probably be better. But they will never be fail safe. Personally I think that families that adopt should be evaluated periodically to make sure that the kids are being taken care of properly. It's probably not feesible, but it is a good idea.

***Healing, thanks ! I asked the question on another post so as not to ruin this one with more debate. :)

***Applause**** Julie R! Well said and I agree with you on so many points.

Answer 16

I wonder what would happen if there was documented proof of anger issues.  Like malicious emails or answers.

It seems odd to me that people who threaten adoptees online are allowed to have adoptees of their own to raise.

Scary.

Edited to say: Aloha?  Do you want to email me?  That's so sweet!  I'm flattered.  Unfortunately, I had to deny email access as I was getting very strange and disturbing emails through Y!A.  Sorry.