Is there screening for Anger problems with birth mothers?

Question

I've noticed that there are a lot of anti-adoption trolls in here who detest adoptive parents and adopted children. I wonder why that is and why they aren't screened? It seems only fair if we have home studies that birth mothers should be screened before being allowed to have s*x and then blame us for all their problems? I really feel sorry for the poor children. They don't mention anything at all about the best interests of children in their insulting posts? I wonder why anyone like them could be so callous and cruel? I shudder to think about it, really.

Adoptive mother by choice of the sweetest little girl in the world, who would be horrified and traumatized to hear the sickening things being said in here about herself and others like her. Punxy is right. I am infuriated with your lies, slander and deception. You have no right to sit in judgment of those of us who HAVE been responsible for our actions, love our children and who've "dared" to love their real parents who adopted them.

Answer 1

Noodles, when I went through the process a few years ago as a birth mother, there wasn't screening. The agency did offer life-long counseling.

I did have a good experience with adoption. Obviously, not being a tard and using protection would've been better because it was very difficult. However, I gave birth to a beautiful, sweet, loving little girl and placed her with a wonderful loving couple. We have an open adoption and they are like an extended family. I talk to them about 1-2x/mo and see them about every 6 months. I'm very glad that I made the choice that I made. I did my homework, both in my choices and the couple specifically, and did not make my decision lightly.

I was by no means coerced. In fact my family would've rather I chose abortion or keeping her to adoption. They stopped talking to me for awhile because of it. But now even they are glad I did what I did because they've seen the results.

But when people lump me in with "all birth mothers were coerced," they are insulting my intelligence, my ability to reason, my willpower, etc. and I find that offensive. I was not a sniveling drug-addicted prostitute who's child was taken by Child Services. And even if I was, I might have still been able to reason and make a good decision. I'm not saying some people might not have had some coercion, but it is by no means every birth mother.

I made a stupid mistake, owned up to it, and did the best I could for her. (And honestly, I hate to call it a stupid mistake because she's a great person and if I could go back in time & change it, I wouldn't. Despite the hardship, I'm a better person for going through it, her AP are happy, and she's happy. Not perfect, happy.)

I know not everyone has a story that worked out, and I do feel for those who've been hurt. It doesn't mean that everyone feels the same though. I would encourage anyone who's pregnant with questions to seriously look at all of their options- keeping the child, abortion, closed and open adoption. Everyone is different and only that person knows what they can live with.

I think this is applicable to life in general as well as adoption:

Knowledge is power. Stand by your convictions.

Noodles- Thanks for being an adoptive mother. I think it's a great thing. PS- If this suicidal girl wants to talk with a birth mother who had a positive experience, feel free to email me through Y!A. You can personally screen all correspondence, I don't care. It is horriible that people would say those things to her (as you posted in BPD's Q), but since they did the same thing to me when I came here yesterday, I understand and I thank you for taking care of her. You are an awesome person and I respect you.

Answer 2

Mom of 2 gave you a great answer and I agree.  I only meandered over to the adoption section to see what one of my contacts was up to.  When I got here I was shocked.  I don't spend much time reading or answering the questions in this section because quite frankly it seems to be a sounding board for angry adoptees.  

No one has a perfect life and part of growing up is coming to terms with who you are and where you come from.  I understand that this can take a long time to do especially if you have had it really rough but there is no need to lash out on those who want to help a child in need.  Like it or not an abandoned child needs parents and I for one am glad that there are so many wonderful Moms and Dads out there that are adopting children who need them.  

As far as the comment that you have taken a baby away from her homeland, I see it more that her home land did not do much to keep her and care for her.  You are not a bad woman to have adopted your daughter.  You are a blessing.  I know that it is hard not to get tied up in all of the craziness here but you might want to take a breather on this section of Yahoo!Answers.  From what I have read, there is very little quality to what goes on in this section.

Answer 3

You say "My question was really for the anti-adoption trolls in here who are putting adoptive parents down and people who've had a good adoption experience."

Yet you've blocked  anyone and everyone YOU THINK is an "anti-adoption troll" so how do you expect them to answer?

Or did you block them, and then say that, so you can then turn around and point out that none of them answered your question?

By the way, how can an adoptee detest adopted children?

I've been lurking on here for quite a while. I notice you constantly talking about these horrible comments you read yet I don't know what ones you are talking about. Everyone says to be specific in their sources when referencing something. That would certainly help me know exactly what you are talking about instead of some vague "read for a while and you'll see" because all I'm seeing are differences of opinions based on life experience and you constantly slinging around names like n**i to anyone you don't agree with. As a Jewish woman I take great offense to the casual use of that term.

ETA: Noodles, I can't go back and read your posts because you have them set as private and I, like you, have a life and don't have time to go back through each and every question looking for your posts. Site what you are talking about and I will.

I don't know the difference between blocking in yahoo and blocking here. I know when you are blocked here you cannot see a question that is asked by the person who has blocked you. So therefore, why are you asking questions to people you have blocked? How do you expect them to answer?

Oh, and I forgot to say, yes, I do understand propaganda and calling people n***s for having their own opinions is just that - your propaganda.

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You responded with "Let me see if I can help you.

'Is there screening for Anger in adoptive parents?' by joy"

So what you are saying is you are no better than her. Is that correct?

By the way, I see she hasn't  blocked you. Ironic how those with all the "hate" don't mind reading different points of view.

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From Noodles: "Yes, everyone has a right to their opinion, but not to call us vile names, slander us, threaten and harass us."

You mean just like you are doing? Pot, kettle, black, lady.

Answer 4

I have said this before, I cannot BELIEVE the ugliness in this category now.  It was never like this when the category was first started.  

I have spoken to several people who's opinion I don't necessarily agree with on the board, who have been very friendly and welcoming thru email.  This is how I see things, everyone is very passionate about their feelings and opinions and they are allowing that passion to turn disrespectful, which of course is unacceptable.  Regardless of your opinion, and we are all entitiled to have one, it must be expressed with respect.  

I understand the birth parents who feel that their child was stolen from them or they were coerced into relinquishment, and my heart goes out to them.  I cannot imagine how they must feel.  However, many of these people present themselves as if ALL birth mothers have been taken advantage of, and that is not true.  

Also, I (like you), am absolutely HORRIFIED at the attacks on adoptive parents and how horrible we are for opening our home to a child.  I've said before that I can pretty much understand everyone's opinions on things, but to say that adoptive parents are the bad guys is insane to me.  I just read on a previous question that children should be aborted rather than adopted?????  Did I miss something?

Adoption needs a lot of reform; I agree.  But we also need to recognize that adoption has come a long way over the years also.  Regardless of how we feel or where our passion lies in the adoption scene, we need to remember to treat everyone here with respect.

Answer 5

I am sorry "trust me" when people email me at home to tell me that the children I care for are better off dead. By the way I am a humanitarin here in Romania working with already abused and abandoned children. So I would like to know how I STOLE them when I couldn't even tell you what village they are from because they were left somewhere. That is stalking and terrorizing! Also just for the record I have recieved at least 4 of those emails, including one calling me an infertile baby stealing monster! I am not infertile and as before how can I steal babies when they were abandoned already and a monster... somehow I don't see that since it is my money that pays for diapers at the children's hospital and I am the only one holding and feeding these children. Please don't be confused by what you think you see. There are trolls here.

Answer 6

i gave my daughter up for adoption 6yrs ago, she is almost 9yrs old.  At the time when i signed those papers i was suffereing from a broken back and bedridden and had no family near me that could take on the responsibility of my daughter. I have an 11yr old son who was taken care of by his paternal grandparents but my daughter and him don't share the same father so she couldn't go with him.

I don't regret what i did in fact i am glad i did it.  My daughter went to a nice couple who had been trying for children of their own for 10yrs with no success and i feel i blessed them with the gift of a child especially because i was in no position to care for her myself.

I don't think that i should have been screened before having s*x or giving birth, i am glad i wasn't part of the statistics of mothers who had an abortion.

Like i said i don't regret it and i'm glad i did do it. Sure there are times when i wish i could go back and say gee i should have never fallen 26feet from a ladder, what if i never went on that ladder that day, well no one will ever know and whats done is done and i am happy with the decision i made and i am also glad my daughter was able to find and adoptive family that would love her and care for her.

ADD: i just wanted to add that i don't love my daughter any less because i put her up for adoption, she is still my daughter and i do still love her dearly.

Answer 7

Wow!! talk about being lumped and calling the kettle black.  I try to come here and talk to people but I get attacked because my story is not all roses and rainbows.  So I am being tired of being attacked, lied to, slandered, and sat in judgement.

Answer 8

Wow, are there really people out there who think all natural moms were co-erced and adoptees need to be all sad or happy?  Sorry, sarcasm doesn't come thru when one types.

No, screening for anger problems should never happen.  That is like saying that all women who have one child and are one welfare should be sterilized.  

Sorry, I am not one of the anti-adoption crowd.  I placed my daughter at birth six months ago.  I did it because I knew that she needed better than I could provide.  I was not emotionally ready for an infant and I had an older child to care for as well.  I had to think of what was best for both of them.  An infant needs 24/7 attention and my older daughter was having some troubles of her own (recently diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome).  

I do not doubt that there are in fact some natural parents that are coerced into placing their babies and whether you want to believe it or not, there are some really sh**ty adoptive parents out there who will tell the mom what she wants to hear just so they can get her baby.  I made sure I educated myself on my state laws regarding adoption.  I understood that I had very little rights in this arrangement.  But I knew that this was what was best for her.  The couple I picked were wonderful, sharing a lot of the same interests that I do.  While they told me they have no prob sending pics, and have actually done so (got pics in Sept), I do not expect it.  Nice when it happens, but life goes on.  Maybe someday down the road I will finally realize the impact of this decision and break down.  But for now, she is happy and thriving, as well as my older child I parent.  I know I made the right decision.

(FTR, people are just as cruel to natural mothers, especially if the mother has other children she continues to parent)

Answer 9

I've only blocked the anti-adoption trolls. I suggest you go back and read my posts and not be so easily manipulated by this gang.

...So, noodles I'm part of the anti-adoption troll network?

I think I have tried to see both sides. Do I take things too personal? Yes! I happen to be very sensitive about adoption not because i resent it in anyway. I have had people speak so negative to me about adoption. I tend to think the worst in them. So, I may take things too personal. But to lump me in with the anti-adoption troll club, now that is insulting. Why would you lump me in with people who think adoption is wrong?

By the way this is A healing adoptee

Answer 10

Noodles, you can see just by the answer above me that nobody on here is ever going to admit that they really do the things that they do.

Some of the questions I've seen posted, and answers to genuine questions from other users, have been positively poisonous.  I've seen callousness such as 'get over losing the baby you've adopted and raised for 5 months', 'go buy an ovulation thermometer', 'stop using predatory behaviour to secure someone else's baby to cure your infertility', the list goes on and on!

Mostly they don't annoy me too much, it's more a wonder to me that supposedly adult people who care so much about adoptee rights can think the way the do.  But what I'm incredulous about is the way they will slam other adoptees who don't jump on the 'adoption damaged my life' bandwagon.  No matter how many times I and a couple of other "happy" adoptees (as we're labelled) insist that we do accept adoption reform needs to happen, unsealing records and such, we're still accused of buying into the adoption propaganda and "drinking the adoption koolaid" (which is about the stupidest phrase I've ever heard, personally).

I've told the story of my adoption before, my birthparents WERE NOT coerced, I've been in reunion for some time, I've been totally supported by my adoptive parents to do so, etc etc etc, yet still I'm told that I believe the lies, buy into conspiracy theories, and live my life in a fog!

I'm probably more in touch with my own truth than half the people telling me this rubbish!  One user even told me I was an infertile adoptive parent!

The fact remains, plain and simple:  Every adoptee is entitled to their own truth, just so long as that truth matches what a select group of people want to hear.