Is there still a hope for my 'boring' husband?

Question

1-My husband is very obese. He snores so heavily that not only we sleep in separate rooms, but also our neighbor in the apartment just moved out because of his noise. He is 5'9 and 264 pounds. I am petite, 5'4 and 116 pounds. I cook healthy delicious food every day, but no matter how much I have encouraged him so far, he doesn't want to lose weight. He chooses to eat take aways, lots of sugar and cakes, smokes, never exercises, and basically he is very unhealthy. I watch what I eat, exercise 3 times a week and walk for 1 hour daily. I bought many self-help books, recorded special weight loss TV programs for him to watch, talked to him many times about his health, invited some personal trainers to our house to encourage him, booked him an appointment with a doctor, signed him for gym. But no matter what, he doesn't have the will power or the motivation and I think he is addicted to food and doesn't want to change anything.

What else can I do??????

2- He doesn't have motivation or a goal in his life and that bothers me a lot. He has strange habits, like watching TV 24 hours a day when he is at home on weekends and right after he comes back from work. I think that's an addiction too. He is not into any other hobby. He doesn't have ambitions in his life. He is very unsuccessful in his jobs, only works in shops and retail stores with no determination to get better or aim higher or learn anything basically. I am very different. I am studying for a PhD in Genetics. Apart from that I have so many ambitions. I have passion to learn something different every day, not just in Genetics but every different subject. Basically his life is like a walking dead to me, although he seems happy with his habits. I suggested maybe he is depressed and want to see a doctor, but he is reluctant to talk to a counselor or admit that he might be depressed. To be honest his whole family is like this, so I am guessing he will never change and it's just the way he was raised. I have tried a lot to talk to him and find out what it is he may really want in his heart, apparently he wants money, big house, big car, big TV but doesn't have the motivation to do something about it.

Do you think there is a hope in this life? Is there a way I haven't tried yet???? To be honest I am not happy at all. I think I made a very big mistake marrying him, don't ask me why I married him, it was a long-distance relationship, blah blah,,, but what about now? Now that I have realized after 3 years of marriage, this is it. Can I do anything to make my marriage better. I still have hope that maybe I can motivate him???

Answer 1

Wow -- he can stay awake watching TV for 24 hours at a time.

You have just described my hero.  Way to go, bud!!  Keep up the good work!

At least he hasn't hit the 1/2 ton mark yet.  Is your husband related to this guy?

Answer 2

Why did you even marry a slob like that...?

If he is too stubborn to see a counselor, you should get a divorce sooner than later.

Answer 3

Wow I would cut your losses before you get prego. Get out now!!! Sounds like you have all your ducks in a row. He sounds like a real loser that will forever be a drag on your life. GOOD LUCK...  

Answer 4

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Answer 5

Sounds like you two are very different.  Basically, put it to him like this: Get in shape, loose the TV, and start doing things with you or it is over.  This gives him a choice.  As long as you stay with him in this situation, he will never change.  Why should he?

Answer 6

The only question you should ask yourself is:

"Should I stay long enough to collect the health insurance when he dies?"

It's a sad realization that you know your husband will never change, and especially so early on in your marriage.  I also have been married for 3 years, and I can feel in my heart, the desperation you have to make this work out.  

The effort you have put in him to change is astounding and amazingly far beyond what anyone can do.  It's really up to your husband now.

You didn't marry him to be his nurse, his mommy, or his personal conscience and doctor...he's not keeping his end of the bargain to be your companion and partner.  

He's not treating you like his wife, just as much as he's not treating himself with any dignity.

His motivation might be to win you back, should you decide on divorcing him.

There's NOTHING you can do...you've tried EVERYTHING that is realistically possible for you to do.

Now it's time to concentrate on yourself and making yourself and your future a happy one.  Do you know where to find a good lawyer?

Maybe telling him that you're considering a divorce, and having a talk about it might be the push he needs.

Answer 7

Maybe he needs to know you are seriously considering leaving him.  It sounds like counceling is in order, but if he isn't willing to put in the effort there isn't much you can do.  It might be time to cut the "dead weight" and move on to someone with goals more like your own.

Answer 8

I would definitely try counseling, if just as a way to get your husband into a mental health professional. He may be depressed.  

Answer 9

Just tell the fat pig to lose weight or lose you.

My husband once weighed 200lbs and i wasn't attracted to him anymore so i told him either lose 30lbs or its over between us and he lost it in 2 months.

At 264lbs that is gross and i dont know how you can stand to be around him.

Answer 10

Wow you guys seem like 2 very diff. people. I do not think he will change since thats the way he was rasied its hard to  get people to change habbits they have been doing their whole life. I think you would be alot more happy with someone else more like you... sry to say.

Answer 11

talk about how you feel to your husband and if he really

cares for you, he would try to changee :)  

Answer 12

WOW he reminds of my ex wife. You shoudl give him an ultimatum and if he decides no to change then leave him, wait and see if that doesn't work then divorce him. Sounds like you will do more than fine on your own and with out him.

Answer 13

Wow... You guys are in 2 different worlds!  I'm not sure you can try anything else to motivate him because the true desire to change has to come from within him if it's going to be a lasting change...  You might try sitting him down (when the timing is right) and tell him your concerns.. Point out to him all the differences in your lifestyles in a polite & caring way then ask him if he can understand how you feel.. Ask him to have some empathy to how you must be feeling and see if this evokes any positve responses or changes in him.. He may not fully understand how you would feel and how unhappy you have become..

My heart goes out to you sweetie.. Best of luck♥

Answer 14

It is sad that your husbands lifestyle has put such a horrible strain on your marriage, but its amazing to see that you really want to motivate him and help him.  You must really still love him.  If your husband is going to change he has to start with himself.  There is no way that your husband will loose weight if he thinks that making changes won't help.  He needs to come to the realization that if he makes these changes his life will be much better. He also needs to come to and realize that if he doesn't change he will be putting his relationship, and life at risk.  

It is really a sad and hard thing to have to go through but there are programs that will keep your husband in a sort of "Rehab" in order for him to get a jump start on the change he needs.   I think your husband can make the change, as long as he realizes that it is never too late to start.  Your husband may also need some psychological counseling, this does not mean he is crazy, but it may help him get over unresolved issues in a healthy way.

Answer 15

I know what you feel, but unfortunately, its not you who has to make the decision, its him!

I was really slim all my life, and when I got married, my husband was just like that.  He would eat all sorts of stupid foods and not look after himself.  He always wanted to be a musician, but never did anything about it.  Because of his lifestyle, I started eating lots, stopped sports, and basically, started getting fat!  I knew I was going through this, but couldn't be bothered to do anything about it.  Everybody kept telling me how big I was and that I should do something about it, but I just didn't have the energy or determination.

Until one day, I was cleaning the house and looked at myself in the mirror, and I was horrified of how big I had become and how horrible I looked.  I took some of the old photos out and realised I had let myself become something I didn't like.  That day, I made the decision and joined Slimming World and started loosing weight.  Half way through, I found out my husband was having an affair.  It only lasted 2 years after that.

But what I am trying to tell you is that it doesn't matter what you do, if he doesn't take that step, he will do nothing about his life.  It seems to me that you are wasting your time with him, and that you should consider finding a different path.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, but life is like that!

Answer 16

If he was like this before you married him,then it's your fault for marrying him,because his habits and life choices were no surprise to you.You can't change anyone ,but yourself.If you truly love him,you have to love him totally and completely,flaws and all.IT'S CALLED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.Change comes from with in,when he is ready and if he is ready he will hopefully change,but you can't force him or do it for him.Consider marriage counseling,chances are neither of you are truly happy,both of you need to have an OPEN AND HONEST conversation with each other and make some serious decisions.I wish you both well.

Answer 17

you really need to tell him how you feel...i think he needs some tough love here to give him a kick in the **** and make him wake up...

it's unacceptable that he's being like this, regardless of whether he's depressed or not ( sorry if i sound a bit harsh here )...

you need to give him a choice: 1. either he cleans up his act, loses weight and talks to a counsillor and lets you help him...or 2. he disregards what you say and continues like this in which case he's pretty much shown that he has no respect for himself or you...

good luck hun, i really hope it works out well :)

edit: i must say that i truly admire your patience in this...it must take a lot out of you i'm sure

Answer 18

No one to blame but yourself, you chose him.

Answer 19

My motto is make the best of the time you have left on this earth.

Live for yourself* - you've gone as far as you can with trying to care, love, inspire and educate him - he has no lust for life and is just dying little by little, piece by piece**he's affecting the outcome of the life you hoped to lead.

Once upon a time I said to myself:

Who do I wish my wife was like?

The answer came back in an instant - if there is someone out there who you admire and they are available, don't waste a single precious second exploring the possibilities.

Thers no one else worth living for than you!*

Answer 20

get his friends to talk to him he should listen to them

Answer 21

You are certainly trying very hard to change him for the better.

Firstly: Not all people want to be changed or can be changed, as they say "never under-estimate your ability to change, never over-estimate your ability to change others.

He is clearly unhappy with himself, the hard part will be that he has no confidence in the ability to do so, where does he start?

He of course will want to eat badly as that gives him comfort, going down to a gym will be embarrassing and he clearly has problems speaking to anyone about his real feelings.

Consider getting him to join a slimming club, do it with him even though you don't need to (this will be hard as they are mainly attended by women).

He needs to meet and be supported by people in similar situations.

You are doing all that you can and of course you will lose the attraction to him, just stick in there if you can as he probably expects you to leave him at some point anyway (low self esteem).

On the other hand if you left him then no-one would blame you but you don't sound like the type to do that.

Does he understand he could lose you?

Answer 22

I am also considering divorcing an unmotivated husband...one that seems content to let me  "bring home the bacon" while he still b*****s.  I normally do not tell people to give an ultimatum but perhaps in your case it might work.  I am starting to think that there should be no reason for you both to be unhappy if he is happy with himself enough to not want to change it.

Answer 23

How 'bout flipping out?  Have you tried that?  Let him know that you are worried about him dying and that you love him/don't want to loose him, you need him to be there for your children... but say it all at once, (and only once). Really freak him out with your honesty and out-pouring.  Wait till PMS time and just let those emotions take over.  

Or, just stop nagging (we all nag) and don't drop overly-obvious hints.  Give it a break for awhile and see if that helps, ever hear that country song... cause you don't tell me too?  Just love him unconditionally, knowing that his health is something only he can control ( he'll need to know it is his choice).  But you have a choice too, you can keep him and find the joy in the relationship looking at the good stuff, or give up.

Perhaps a relative will get sick and he will have to learn from someone else's mistake if not from his own.  I agree that it is is related to emotions, he may be depressed, or just lazy.

He should be going to the doctor regularly, which may discourage him more, but if he is really overweight and growing, he should be keeping track of his developing health risks and issues.

Don't lose the love.

Answer 24

Tell him how unhappy you are. Ask him to join a gym with you.  Convey to him how serious this is to you.  Be supportive.  If he feels cornered he may cling to his bad habits even more.  Tell him you love him and you want what's best for him.  You could act hurt that he doesn't eat the food you made for him next time he brings home take-out.  If he is indifferent to your feelings then maybe you should take a little vacation from him for a while.  Not really a seperation.  Just tell him you need to go sort things out in your head.  That will maybe make him think about cleaning up his act when he realizes how good he has it with you.

Answer 25

u have to leave as the whole thing has been a big mistake......i think u know that but are just looking for someone to agree with u

Answer 26

You've tried so hard to get him to change and you've been so patient. If he won't change after all your work, he's not going to. You've already admitted to yourself that it was a big mistake to marry him, so maybe now is the time to move on.

Answer 27

He has to motivate himself and clearly he doesn't have any so you have two choices:-

Put up with his lazy ways - he ain't going to change even if he says so.

Leave him and file for divorce.

I know which I would do.  You can get out there and find someone else more in keeping with your own lifestyle.  He needs to find someone who is as s****. as he is