Is there such thing as regretting a right choice?

Question

I fully believe i made the right choice in putting my daughter up for adoption, i choose the family, we are still in contact and they are so sweet and love her and me so much.

But i still sometimes wonder what it would be like to lay in bed with her at night, i want to take her to the mall with me or the park. I want to be able to call me MY daughter. i want to hug her and feed her, teach her things and be that person in her life..

Does that mean i regret making that choice?

Answer 1

No.  It means you love her, miss her and grieve for her.

Answer 2

You will always have some turmoil with it. I've been dealing with mine for 5 years now. Some days are better than others, but there are always those days that I wished I had been given a say in the matter.

Ultimately my daughter is happy, her adoptive family is great, I see her a few times a year. But I  will always have that "what if".

Especially now that I'm married and I have my son and baby #2 on the way (for me and my husband).

But she is happy, I couldn't have given her the life she deserved when I was 16. Her happiness is what gets me by.

Just remember as hard as it was- your daughter is happy and being taken care of.

Answer 3

Lovinglife,

You can regret a right choice because it was a loss for you.  How you feel is how you feel and that's okay.  I'm so sorry for your pain.  ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

Answer 4

NO matter if the choice was right or not,you will always wonder what could have been..that's just how as humans are.being able to accept and embrace the choice you made is what's important.it was not your time and you gave your child a wonderful opportunity..do not regret it

Answer 5

Sometimes the right choice is the hardest choice.

And even though you made the right choice, it does not mean that you side-step the natural consequences that come from the fact that you gave birth to this little girl and will always have a bond to her.  If you took a step back, maybe it would be more accurately stated that you don't regret giving her up for adoption, but rather you do regret that you became pregnant, which placed your feet at the beginning of this life path that you now journey on.  

You did the right thing.  Yes there is heartache, but there is also an inner-core of peace that accompanies it.  The heartache will fade, and the peace will fill your soul.  And although you will always wonder about her, remember you do have a future ahead of you with new experiences, people, husband and children (when you are ready for motherhood).  In the times when it is hardest, just get on your knees and pray and ask God for his peace, to speak to your heart and remind you that this little girl is where he wants her to be.  He will send you his love.

God bless you for loving this baby enough to give her the life she deserves.

Answer 6

You made the best choice you could with the information you had at the time.

You did what you felt was best for your daughter.  You made the right choice, for your family, at that time.

It's OK to have second, third and fourth thoughts about this.  It's Ok to feel regret for a choice you felt, and still feel, is the best choice.

Hopefully, someday, you'll be able to do those things with your daughter.  Because she is still your daughter.  She's just their daughter too.

BTW: you asked for a contact for my son's mom, but your profile doesn't allow e-mail or IM.  Please drop me an email through my profile. (click on my picture), and I will pass her address along to you.

Answer 7

I wrestled it for 28 years when I finally got the call I had been waiting for. It's a long road and you will have to learn how to travel it so it doesn't eat you up.

Good Luck

Answer 8

I think it's understandable that you would have these feelings of regret, but I don't think you're regretting a right choice. I think you're regretting the circumstances that meant giving up this precious little person was the right thing to do, for your daughter and likely for you, too. I don't think that sense of loss will entirely go away, but it will get easier with time. And how lucky that you can maintain contact with her and her new family.

Answer 9

Yes. sorry

Answer 10

It's a scary place isn't it?  Part of self-chosen relinquishment is undeniably believing that what you are doing is the right choice and for the best.  And then time passes and looking back you wonder what would have happened or what could have happened had you not relinquished.  I remember pushing those thoughts out as quickly as possible because my son wasn't mine.  He already was having a good life, and if I was to wish for unicorn farts and that choice to not have been made, even if it was a daydream, well then he wouldn't be the person that he is.  That wasn't acceptable to me.  It seemed to be a betrayal to his parents raising him too.

But here's the thing about adoption.  Our emotions are plural.  We can be content about what has happened and yet on the same thought, be disappointed that something else didn't happen.  Some of the others answered that it means that you regret being in the position of having to make that choice, but I think it's okay to say, "yeah, I regret making that choice because of the loss even if it was the best choice."

(((((hugs)))))))

Answer 11

I think this is a hard question. Ultimately, I think you're the only person that can answer that question. Nobody can possibly know what you're feeling.

If you're sure you made the right choice, then I don't think it is regret that you are feeling. Regret is usually present when someone makes a choice they later feel was wrong. No matter what, you will always wonder and you will always wish. She is your daughter and you are connected to her and nothing will change that. That's why you have those feelings.

I really wish the adoption industry would explain what feelings natural mothers have to live with when giving up a child instead of saying, "you'll be sad for a while, but then you'll move on and have a way better life than you would have had with the baby."

Answer 12

It's perfectly normal to have conflicting feelings