Is this a Good Start for College admission essay? ?

Question

question was write about a artistic peice that has influenced you and describe.

Introverted- writing sample

Da Vinci’s “Last Supper” painting influenced my life without me realizing it. The painting of Jesus and his apostles showed me the true meaning of family and that some aspects of life are more important than others. The Last Supper took me through a journey of finding myself and discovering the important aspects of life. In order for anyone to understand my story I must begin at the beginning, which is where most journeys typically begin.

Walking around the cathedral for what seemed like centuries, my feet were aching, my stomach felt empty, and the one hundred degree weather was beginning to affect my mood. I figured that after two long years of attending religious painting observations I would finally become accustomed to them, but how could I enjoy myself when everyone around me was ten times my age. At this period in time I hated anything that involved family activities. I detested having to spend time with my family. I had to be the only individual walking around without any religious interest in mind. Being ten, I cared about nothing more than having fun and enjoying myself, some would say it was selfish and I agree but at time I only cared mostly about myself.

Answer 1

You seem a bit whiny in the second paragraph. Kind of lost my interest.  

Answer 2

I think what you're trying to do is grab the readers' attention with story tactics. I have seen this recommended before and I think you already did it with the last super paragraph. You took it too far however by starting again in the second paragraph as the essay should begin, not a story. You also shouldn't bash yourself in your own essay so stay clear of that. I realize that you are trying to show that you have matured by talking about how you were but you don't want them to view you in a negative light in any way. You wouldn't hit yourself in a fistfight, don't do it verbally either.

Answer 3

It's a good start, but I don't think you have to keep saying "showed me" or "took me" because the essay prompt is already asking how it influenced you, so it seems as though you're being somewhat redundant. Make sure you go over your grammar; I noticed some mistakes. You should work on being concise, and don't forget to tie back your essay to the prompt!

All in all, you're off to a good start. Good luck with the rest of the essay! Hope this helps!

Answer 4

It'll get you into college, for sure, but I lost interest by the second paragraph.

Use sarcasm and wit. Be sure that all of your tenses are the same. In the second paragraph, you jump from past the present a lot.

Answer 5

I think you need some specifics on how exactly this painting influenced you.  You just sort of say the painting affected you, but you give no proof.  Also, check your grammar.  Finally, I might put your second paragraph first to grab the readers attention.  Then describe how you saw the painting and give specifics about how it influenced you.

My feed ached, my stomach was empty, and the one hundred degree weather burned my mood.  The walk around the cathedral seemed to take centuries.  I had been to so many religious painting observations that I could no longer enjoy them.  Everyone was older then me, and I was unable to appreciate the art.  I would have rather gone out to play with my friends then spend the day with my family.

When I first saw Da Vinci's "Last Supper" I didn't realize how much it would influence my life.  But it helped me understand the true meaning of family and how to prioritze different aspects of my life.

THen go on with specifics....something like that.  I hope this helped.  Good luck.

Answer 6

It is a good start.  I have a few remarks.

I think that you can drop the last sentence of the first paragraph.  It is essentially cliche filled and states the obvious.

You could probably drop "At this period of time".  The reader knows that you are writing about that time period.  I assume that later you will tell how you attitude was changed by the painting.

Someone might suggest that the people around you were not 10 times your age, that they only seemed that way.  Of course you are showing 10 year old sarcasm and that can fit the style well. Try "were" and "seemed" and see which one you prefer.

Why were you there?  Maybe you could add some more background.  Before the walking around the cathedral sentence try adding something like this. "My parents has always enjoyed religious art and took me along on various tours. When I was ten years old they dragged me on another pointless trek."  You might name the cathedral also. You know better how to describe your specific experience.

Good luck!