Is this a better assessment?

Question

Assessment

By Cynthia S.

This hand, fine bone china,

Cool blue veins,

translucent road map of life.

I count his pulse,

surprised at such strength

again, at end of years.

We smile at each other.

You’re doing fine.

Answer 1

Count mine and see it race at your touch.

Rudy Reddington is ready to run.

Answer 2

Cynthia, please excuse me I have to be honest here - I think the title is a little clinical, yet the poem isn't.

And the feel has changed  for me somehow. I liked the first one better. Maybe because it had immediate impact.  

i love it anyway! :-)

Answer 3

The word "again" (L6) seems to jump out at me - like it doesn't belong ♥

Answer 4

This one is stronger, no wasted words. I can sing this one. Yes, I like it even better than the first one, "All is Well."

Answer 5

Beautiful Cynthia.  You're doing fine too.

Answer 6

I didn't read the first yet, but I admire this sad and elegant poem. Even though it is a quick shot, a single frame in the movie of a life, it says so much.

Answer 7

This is good. Straightforward and to the point, which is always a plus when writing free verse since you don't have the boundaries of rhyme to keep you grounded to the subject and from straying off into unnecessary territories.  I can tell exactly what it's about. You represent yourself very well here.