Is this a better revision?

Question

Starless Day

By Cynthia S.

Young woman at the corner.

Ringless hands

protect belly swollen

with unkept promises.

Searching for Bethlehem.

Answer 1

I think it is clearer now, but I didn't mind the mystery of the first posting.  I like mystery in poems...

Answer 2

This is the first I've seen, but I like it.  It shows the fear and hope am unwed pregnant woman feels. It is very short, but concise, which adds alot of power to it.

One change that I thought you needed to make, but now feel is fine is the line "Ringless hands."  I thought well you only have a wedding band on one hand, but then it occurred to me that this could also mean the woman was poor (she could afford no rings).

Answer 3

I liked them both.

Answer 4

Excellent poem.  So good I keep rereading it and find more beauty with each reading.

T.