Is this a cheesy story already?

Question

Gun Shy Kisses-(+)-

#3

“I have had a problem brought to my attention”

the boss said, convulsing in his seat

“Another of high position moving in on my territory”

I winced at the thought of another one

“And you want me to take him out in style?”

“I want you to make him suffer”

He said to my query

“How?”

“I want him to fall in love with you before you...

put your little friend to good use...”

Love... was not my forte...

-I do not know if I like this unless I can find some odd twist... as of now it is a bit cheesy... what do you think?

Answer 1

Along with Amy G's first comment, I would say that yes, this is ruthless. I wonder how Charlotte will go about seducing a man when love is not her forte. Why isn't love her forte. This is very much an anime series, in poetry of course. The action starts out slow, there are undercurrents of a bigger story underlying, and it tells it only little bit by little bit so that you want more and more and more. Don't think you're boring us, just don't get stuck in a rut. Oh, and by the way, convulsing is a little too strong a word for the feeling I think you're trying to convey. Fidgeting might be better, or something along tamer lines.

Answer 2

I honestly dont get it at all

Answer 3

Again use what you like, ignore the rest:

“I have had a problem brought to my attention”

Ogre convulsed in his seat

“Someone moving in on my territory”

I winced at the thought of another one

“You want me to take him out in style?”

“I want him to suffer”

“How?”

“I want him to fall in love with you...

then put your little friend to good use...”

Love... not my forte...

Minor changes. You've got me into the story.

Answer 4

Cheesy? Are you trying to palm a gun off on us? Have you read Georgi on Zola, or is this just shooting the Bries? Am I bleu?

Aha, the table is set, and the stew in the pot thickens. Cheesy? It makes the blood curdle! And metaphorically twisting his johnson before doing him (in) may not be unique, but it's kinky enough to count as odd. Write on!

The only thing I don't like is the use of three different words: "convulsing," Is he having a stroke?; "query," not punchy enough: "forte," you could've gotten by with this one, but not after "query."

Answer 5

i wonder what the pay is..

its a nasty ol plan...

Answer 6

Ruthless. Seduce a man and then execute him. There is a bit of room for the "odd twist" left open in the last sentence.  I cannot wait to see what you make of this.  Thank you.