Is this a crappy marriage?

Question

I'm usually out of the house by 6:30am and I work usually until 4:30pm. My job is physically demanding, but it helps me keep in shape, but I'm still a bit overweight. I always have lots of energy and usually only get 5 hours of sleep. I don't go out partying much, but when I do go out I like to stay out and have a good time. I'm 34.

My wife is 31 and has had a chronic intestinal disease since before we started dating. Her weight has fluctuated a lot over the ten years we have been together. Her job is mentally and emotionally demanding, but wouldn't be seen as physically demanding by most. Her stomache problems don't allow her to eat much aside from carbs and fatty foods without problems. Healthy foods usually make her sick. She works 12 hour days usually and sometimes 6 days a week. She has no energy at the end of the day. She rarely ever wants to go out to parties or dancing. When we do go out we have to be back by 10pm so she can get 9 hours of sleep. She doesn't work out. She hates the way she looks but doesn't do anything about it. She doesn't feel s**y, rarely responds to my advances, and usually doesn't have the energy or drive for s*x. We even went to a little B&B in April after spending the day at a spa and she still just wanted to sleep. We haven't had s*x in over a year. I haven't cheated on her, but I can't go on like this much longer.

She has no urge to quit her job and I don't think her work or eating habits will change. So her self-image isn't going to improve nor do I think her energy level will increase. We've been married 5 years and want kids, but I can't see how this is ever going to happen, and I'm not sure I want to be married to a work-a-holic with no s*x drive. I love her, but this is driving me nuts. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks!

Answer 1

The first thing that occurs to me is that maybe parts of this should go into the health section of Yahoo Answers.  Have you tried counseling? If she won't go then you go for you. Hang in there, my husband and I went through a rough time too but we are working things out now. Good luck to you both.

Answer 2

It's not her fault that she has stomach problems, but I understand how frustrating it must be for you that she seems to have given up on herself. I've always admired people who live great lives despite not having perfect health conditions, and it doesn't sound like your wife is trying to be this kind of person.

Have you tried directly talking to her about what's on your mind? Sit her down one day when you have lots of time, and calmly explain to her how you're feeling (basically, everything you just said). I don't think it's such a big deal that you haven't had s*x in so long, because that's not the *actual* problem. Your question isn't just you complaining about a sexless marriage, but you are genuinely worried about her. You need to let her know that you're worried about her, because she seems to be running out of energy, and seems to have no love for life. You clearly still do love her, and I'm sure you'll do what you can to save your marriage, so you can live the life you wanted together. You need to let her know this, that you find her beautiful and s**y, and that you want to have a normal relationship with her, which includes having s*x on a regular basis, possibly leading to kids.

Try to find out what's really going on underneath, maybe she's depressed, and instead of bringing you in to deal with it together, she has turned to working and sleeping for the majority of the day. Maybe she thinks that if you get involved in trying to help her, your life will be ruined (I'm guessing it's subconscious thinking, so she might not be aware of it, which is why you need to sit her down to talk about it). You have to make sure that she knows you love her more than anything, and you'd do anything to help her through this tough time. I wish you the best of luck, hopefully you and your wife can work through this together!

Answer 3

i think she needs the direct approach. tell  her exactly what you just said. let her know that you love her and desire her but you need her to give you some attention and affection. let her know how bad things are. or just ask her to read what you have written (she doesn't have to know it's you) i have a feeling that a lot of her problem is her weight and she probably doesn't feel comfortable with her body to have s*x freely with you. make sure that while you are having this conversation  with your wife you make her feel secure that you still love her. remember woman are emotional and you don't want to leave her with the thought that you think she fat and you are ready to leave her.also regarding her intestinal disease find a Gastrointerologist aka GI doctor in your area that could inform you better on her condition and the food that will benefit her in losing weight  G/L

Answer 4

Something will have to give. Your relationship should be #1 to both of you. No s*x in over a year??? That's crazy. Stop working so much, tell her to cut back. Maybe she has settled into this hard life, and is in a rut. You guys should do something to make you feel young. Have a water fight, whipped cream fight, anything. If the spark is still there you guys will feel it.  

Answer 5

Wow,

it's not crappy,

it's just kinda sad,

maybe you should tell her all of this.

I mean,

not the part about you wanting to cheat,

but you guys could make adjustments to your schedule  

to have some alone time,

on the weekends try to go all the way,

but most importantly make sure that your wife knows exactly how you feel.

good luck <3

Answer 6

Not crappy just normal. Find a hobby you can do together. If it's something like nature walks, golf, something with some exercise, but not too hard. Then find more vigorous activities as she gets out more. She probably doesn't like dancing, because bars bite when drinking makes you sick. And she may worry about how she looks too. Maybe a picnic at a swim beach when she feels better about her self. If you know any of her girl friends, have them get Dr. Laura's book on care and feeding of a husband for her. Don't you get it for her. Let her know you love her. Try being more like when you dated her and she may get more sexual. Don't have any kids until everything has been worked out.

Answer 7

a sexless marriage!?  that's like going to medical school but never getting the salary that comes with it.  

Answer 8

yep, that sounds bad.

a lot of what you are talking about is superficial stuff...weight, partying, dancing, appearance...but things like overall health, self worth, those are the biggies.

sounds like you need to come out and tell this person how your feeling. have you ever done that? disregard the superficial stuff and just explain your position. your problem is (similar to mine) as your spouse can't really be blamed for a lot of the issues since they are health related and that leaves you in a position of seeming selfish...i wrestle with this myself, i love my spouse, but he is unhealthy in a lot of ways, many of them not his fault, many of them ARE. it effects are life and i have given up a lot of things i would like to do, but i know he can't. i compromise, because i can live with the compromise, the question you have to ask, is can you?

will this woman be able to have a child? if she does have a child, how is she going to handle a newborn needing 9 hours of sleep a night? believe me, i have a 2 year old and i average about 5 hours of sleep a night. some kids just don't sleep well. do you want to take the chance of her not being around to raise this child? these are questions you have to ask and realistically answer. if you can figure out a way to justify it, then make your marriage work, you are obligated to. your wife is your first obligation, 'wants' are secondary.

like i said, you have to be able to live with the compromise.

good luck!