Is this a day for train pomes?

Question

A fireman on an old steam locomotive was the guy who shoveled coal into the firebox to keep the train going.

Fireman's Lament

I work here on this railroad train,

I shovel coal all day.

It's what I do that makes the train,

Continue on it's way.

I fill the boiler full with coal,

The fire gets roaring hot.

No time to rest as on we go,

I stay tired quite a lot.

I cannot pull the whistle cord,

I cannot ring the bell,

But let this danged thing jump the track,

And see who catches h**l.

Answer 1

I like it.

A few minor stumbling blocks:

The third line does not need a comma at the end of the line. Plus without the comma, it pulls the line forward to the next line, mimicking the idea that the line is actually presenting. Generally, you want to use punctuation as you normally would. Only break those rules with a distinct poetic purpose in mind.

Also, the 8th line is a bit awkward coming off the tongue and it does not go well with the rest of the language. The rest of the poem is written in a wonderful, clear tone that is clear; this is a speaker who is able to speak his mind well. But that 8th line does not follow suit. Try not to worry about fitting the meter of the line here and just say the line as this speaker is capable of saying it: I'm thinking of something like--"I am tired of my lot."

Answer 2

No danger that you would ever let the train jump the track...

Answer 3

Yes, that does sound like a dirty job, someone call Mike Rowe. (Star of the show "Dirty Jobs")

Good poem, and thanks for teaching me something new.

Answer 4

I LOVE IT!!!

Answer 5

I like it and needed this laugh for a long tiring day. It has the rhythm you speak to us about and the rhyme. I like it very much. Thank you for teaching me. I like the idea too. Unique! It reads well, well, well!

Answer 6

This one does not jump the track, and a good thing, too.  It's the only way I will travel on Earth!

Answer 7

Most enjoyable read - and I didn't know what a fireman did on an old steam locomtoive.  Geesh, they could've let him ring the bell at least!

Answer 8

We lived near the rail road junction, in New Delhi, India. As a kid, I used to watch in awe ,at these giant boilers on wheels, being attached to the train, all in slow motion.

Answer 9

You the trainman!  A very nice flow.

Answer 10

Nice, unassuming, pleasant little piece. As someone else has said, no comma after 3rd line, 1st verse, and not all the lines require capitals at the start. (But I bet you know that and are just testing. Same goes for the apostrophe.)

The only thing I would humbly point out is that words like 'fire' and 'tired', although perhaps technically one-syllable words, tend to be pronounced as two by a lot of people, depending on where they come from: 'fy-er', 'ty-ered'. Of course, the rhythm established in the first verse should determine the following ones where cases of ambiguity arise, but not everyone out there knows how to 'read' a poem.

If I may be bold enough to suggest a couple of revisions in case you consider there to be any merit to my observations.  'The steam gets roasting hot' (perhaps) and 'I'm puffed-out quite a lot'. This suggests an allusion to the puffs of smoke from the train, perhaps, while still retaining its literal meaning of being exhausted. (In the UK, 'puffed-out' in this context means tired, weary, etc.) Of course, it's really just a case of 'either, or' and not much to worry about.

Guess what, Dondi? You've been 'Ianoed'. Wasn't that bad really, was it?

Gosh, I see I've got a thumbs down, already. What's to complain about with this answer?

Answer 11

That would have to be one hot and dirty job.  Artfully told with sharp rhyme and rhythm.  Great ending.    Well done, as always :)

Answer 12

OMG, that's funny, and probably very true.

Answer 13

Choo, choo, Neat poem and ending.

We could certainly use those passenger trains here and

now, to beat the gas prices.

I rode a many of them, too long ago.

Answer 14

very well done i loved the last two lines did not see that coming(i see a man working hard  and always hot with a bad aditude )

Answer 15

It's a sad world, Dondi old chum, when you have to explain what a fireman is in the context of railroad trains!

(picky as always....it should be Continue on its way- no apostrophe.

Perfect 8 and 6, and rhyme scheme to match

an alternative end verse.

Too tired to pull the whistle cord

Too tired to ring the bell

But if the danged thing leaves the track

Just watch me jump like h**l.