Question:

Is this a good beginning to a novel?

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I stood at the bedroom door. Rigid and shaking. From what, I'm not sure of yet. Emotions were pulsing through me like water running through pipes. Anger, fear, curiosity, and shock were the emotions. My body was the helpless pipes. I could not move. Not because I was frozen. It was because my eyes locked on my father. On his hands. His lips. What I saw through my pained eyes was my father with a woman. This would seem normal, considering my mother and father displayed their affection frequently, but it wasn't. Because this woman was not my mother. She didn't have the thick chocolate locks of hair lingering at her elbow. Or the conjoining oceans of green placed perfectly above her nose. She was not my caretaker, my source of guidance. This woman radiated the word "betrayal" from every corner of her young body. She was also too young. Finally, my-I was cut off by how this word sort of doesn't apply to him anymore registered the fact that I was watching him. His 16 year old son was watching him cheat on his mother.

"OH!d**n it." A dozen and two expressions flickered across his rueful face. Mostly shock and pain.

"Who the h**l is that James?!!" My personal h**l of a woman almost asked my same question. As if I wasn't even standing here, teeth grinding together, fists clenched hard enough i could brake my own fingers, she didn't even move from the way her arms encircled my father. But he awkwardly disentangled himself.

"Son, I promise. It's not what it looks like." He said the famous lines shamefully. I still couldn't speak. Instead, I simple turned around on my heels and walked out. My father took my movement the wrong way and covered himself and his-it hurt, to even think it-partner with a quilt that was lying on the bed. Like I haven't seen a woman in a bra before. I continued to walk down the long violet colored hall. It was my mothers idea to have our hallway painted purple. At first, I objected, but now I was just happy to be in the presence of something that was my mothers idea.

please be honest!

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7 ANSWERS


  1. I really like it. It has good bones, and I think it's really interesting. I've never read a story like that before. I already really like the character, even though I don't know his name yet. And I like your style of writing, as well.

    There are just a few mistakes in the beginning. If you want me to state these, then read on.

    The part about the "pipes" doesn't flow well, and that's a very important paragraph: the first. You can get rid of the "running". And the sentence "My body was the helpless pipes" really doesn't flow well at all, and we already understand that it's his body you're talking about, so omit it. There are some other minor errors throughout, but nothing else I notice that sticks out a lot.

    That's about it. But I really do like this. I think you should definitely finish it out. I would totally read it. There are a ton of ways that the story could go from here, which keeps me guessing. Good luck!

    Edit: Why thumbs down? I give constructive criticism and praise, not a hug and sticker that says "Good Job!" on it. She wanted honest.

    Since everyone seems to be stating their age, I will tell you that I am fourteen. I'm writing my first book...


  2. It's great!  Something that I might read.

    Edit:  You're only 13?  You're the same age as me and I can only write about my feelings the way they actually are, I can't put them into a story or novel at all.  Good job!

  3. Interesting beginning. It makes me curious what will happen next.

    Some quick tips: Begin with an outrageous, attention grabbing ACTION. Editors rarely read past the first line, so you have to really hook them with it. Watch your punctuation and remember short, curt sentences slow down action and longer ones speed it up. Also, most importantly, if you see and adverb, kill it. There is always a better verb out there, so use it. This is the difference between "he ran quickly to her side" which is pretty weak, and "he rushed," "he flew," or "he spirited to her side."

    Good luck and keep writing. There are a million stories you can tell from this point.

  4. i really like it

    i think you should should either get rid of "her young body"

    or "She was also too young" because its pretty much the same thing

    plz plz email me when you have more :)

  5. My totally honest opinion.... I don't want to hurt your feelings, but it reads like a pretty good story from a freshman in college.  For me, the descriptions are over done and not really very interesting or unique.

    You obviously have a talent for being expressive.  I think with some more writing under your belt (and reading) you will be able to turn your good thoughts into some really interesting writing.  Remember... sometimes it is best to give the reader less and let him/her read between the lines.

  6. To be honest i like it i wanna read more...

  7. I know that this is a bit critical, but that is what constructive critisism is all about!

    Just a few changes.

    I stood at the bedroom door, rigid and shaking. From what, I was not entirely sure of yet. Emotions were pulsing through me like water running through pipes. Anger, fear, curiosity, and shock were the emotionsracing through my bady faster than the speed of light, confusing me in so many ways. My body was the helpless pipes. I could not move, but not because I was frozen.

    Just a few adjustments, but it was really awesome. Sounds like a good captivating book, and you caught my attention realy quick. the line 'eomtions were pulsing through me like water through rinning pipes' was amazingly creative! Are you going to post more, because i really like to really more. I want to know what happens next. Please post more or email me. PLZ! It is just so addicting and awesome.

    Hope I Helped!:)

    ~Drummerchick

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