Question:

Is this a good blog entry for me to NOT have put much thought into it beforehand?

by  |  earlier

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I did not sit down beforehand and think about How I wanted to word this . I just began typing , and the words magically came to me . Is it good?

Here I am again , suffocating on my own tears . Its like drowning in a pool of my own tears , its like wanting to take off my inflatable life vest and say " I dont give a **** anymore."

Its like wanting to fight the lifeguard who jumps into the water to save me , throwing punches and kicking under water , as if I'm saying "Just let me drown , I dont wish to be revived!"

When the life guard finally pulls me up out of the water and tries to restore life , I am turning my head in the opposite direction , refusing the effort of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Its as if I'm saying "Let me die"

Honest to God , I am so sick of this **** . I am so sick of feeling this way . I am so sick of the highs and lows and not knowing how I will feel from one minute to the next.

I have the warmest and most welcoming smile , yet Shameka , the other day at work could tell that something was wrong . Its been six months since anyone has even seen my natural eye color ( I wear colored contacts) Yet Shameka was able to look right underneath my eyes and see my frustation , my pain , my emotions .Shameka knew that I was at my breaking point.

I always predicted that my next inpantient hospitalization would be August of 2008 , Iv'e predicted this for a whole year and I can really feel it coming soon ! Any day now I just might have that nervous breakdown .

Maybe this will be a necessary nervous breakdown , no matter how much I hurt myself or other people who love me , maybe this will be necessary to get the help I need.

The physical pain of dropping a scalding hot pot of water on my foot , takes a backseat to this type of pain . If this is'nt h**l , then I dont know what is...

I honestly do not know how I've managed to stay alive this long , for this many hours ,for these many days , for these many months , for this many years .

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2 ANSWERS


  1. Sounds pretty good.


  2. It definitely sounds as if you were pouring out your heart and soul as I read it. I felt so bad for you and started to feel your pain and suffering. It sounds so severe. Please reach out to someone and let them know how you feel. Talk it through with someone. Maybe you just need to speak with a counselor or a member of the church.  Find someone you can trust, but don't try to live with all of those feelings yourself.  Take care.

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