I did not sit down beforehand and think about How I wanted to word this . I just began typing , and the words magically came to me . Is it good?
Here I am again , suffocating on my own tears . Its like drowning in a pool of my own tears , its like wanting to take off my inflatable life vest and say " I dont give a **** anymore."
Its like wanting to fight the lifeguard who jumps into the water to save me , throwing punches and kicking under water , as if I'm saying "Just let me drown , I dont wish to be revived!"
When the life guard finally pulls me up out of the water and tries to restore life , I am turning my head in the opposite direction , refusing the effort of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Its as if I'm saying "Let me die"
Honest to God , I am so sick of this **** . I am so sick of feeling this way . I am so sick of the highs and lows and not knowing how I will feel from one minute to the next.
I have the warmest and most welcoming smile , yet Shameka , the other day at work could tell that something was wrong . Its been six months since anyone has even seen my natural eye color ( I wear colored contacts) Yet Shameka was able to look right underneath my eyes and see my frustation , my pain , my emotions .Shameka knew that I was at my breaking point.
I always predicted that my next inpantient hospitalization would be August of 2008 , Iv'e predicted this for a whole year and I can really feel it coming soon ! Any day now I just might have that nervous breakdown .
Maybe this will be a necessary nervous breakdown , no matter how much I hurt myself or other people who love me , maybe this will be necessary to get the help I need.
The physical pain of dropping a scalding hot pot of water on my foot , takes a backseat to this type of pain . If this is'nt h**l , then I dont know what is...
I honestly do not know how I've managed to stay alive this long , for this many hours ,for these many days , for these many months , for this many years .
Tags: