Is this a good sensory essay? ****10 points !?

Question

i need to know if this is good or not / what can i fix to make it better ?

here's my essay. thanks. 10 POINTS

Sensory Essay

The carnival was always a crowded area, where most people went to have fun. It was dark outside but you could see the bright, multi-colored lights flashing from a mile away. You can hear the blaring, screaming people on the roller coasters, laughing, cheerful groups of people having excitement at the games, and smell the pink and blue feathery, sugary aroma of the cotton candy. Meanwhile, we were at the long, stretched line for the roller coasters. People talked uncertainly about how nervous they were and weather or not they should go on it or not; one of the girl who had gotten of the ride had eyes were huge and wide, her elongated dark brown hair was all ruined from all the ups and downs of the roller coaster. The line got closer to the bright, red pole where we had to measure our heights. We were then eventually ushered to one of the chairs in the roller coasters, where there was sliver, metal bars, which shined so brightly in light that my eyes hurt. As the loud, bleary voice came on the speaker about how to ride safely, the ride started to shake and move steadily. There was a knot in my stomach, as our car started to go up…suddenly, the roller coaster came down so fast, the wind hit my face hard. It kept going, and the trill of it felt so amazing. After that was over, we headed over that the food court, where it was so crowded it felt like there was no room. I ordered a huge, pink, feathery cotton candy. The way it melted when it touches your tongue felt incredible. A boy near us was holding multi-colored balloons that shined brightly in the night sky. Another boy was munching on the deep fried hot dog while trying to eat his pizza at the same time. The hot dog was in a shade of deep red with the black lines from the grill on it.

Answer 1

To make a judgement about the quality of this essay depends on what you want to compare it to.  It can be improved each time that you reread it and that is a really good way to get better at writing.    For instance:  In the darkness of night the colorful lights of the carnival could be seen flashing and pulsating from a mile away.

Once within the gate music and screams mingled from the thrill rides.  As we waited in the ticket line to ride the roller coaster our bravado gave way to a quiet anxiety.  Too quickly we flopped on red naugahyde benches with shiney chrome safety bars which dazzled from the reflection of myriad lights.

Slowly the seat shook as we moved forward and ever upwards until we crossed that vertical threshold and began to fall in wild acceleration, wind tearing at our faces, jolts of adrenalin forced gleeful screams from our lips, hurtling up, down, sideways--all the while trying to breath through the overload of excitement.

Suddenly it was over.  Smells competed for our money: pink and blue, feathery cotton candy melted with juicy sweatness on my tongue while the scent of light brown, greasy corndogs and pizza demanded my attention.

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Answer 2

Where was the carnival?  Country or city setting. Use spell check. Take a look at the punctuation, and adjectives (elongated hair?). Needs an ending. Good job though.