Is this a good start for my College application essay? ?

Question

I've gone through a lot, I've experienced many things, so writing this essay ought to be easy right? This is tough, at the moment writing this essay seems like the hardest thing I've ever been asked to do. But it can't be that hard, I mean I've gone through things so much tougher than this. Academically the toughest thing that I have ever experienced would be Mr. Wagner's AP US history class. I had my doubts about exactly how "difficult" his class would really be, but I soon encountered what my teacher had been speaking about. I had to endure a lot, but I managed to learn a whole lot more.

I just came up with this, I'm trying to get a head start before school starts and before I'm bombarded with about a thousand other things.

The question was to write about your best or worst or toughest teacher. Am I heading in the right direction with my beginning? I know that there are some grammatical mistakes in it, this is what I just randomly wrote at this moment. I have no idea what I'm doing at the moment, so helpful criticism will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks. = ]

P.S. I think it sounds sort of cheesy..but that's me.

Answer 1

it sound too informal i mean try getting rid of the simple words like things. and i was told to never use the word essay in an essay. i would just suggest to tighten it up leave a powerful thought in the readers head i mean it is just your intro make it interesting so your  reader will set you apart form the rest of the college applicants.  

Answer 2

Hmm well it sounds good to me, the topic is a little boring though so when writign a real essay try something a little bit more attention grabbing. I know sometims people dont have stories like "I was in a car crash and nearly died" or "Hooked on drugs" "Cancer during Junior year" but everybody has a different high school experiences, and there is always somethign to exxagerate on a little bit, dont outright lie but you know wh at I mean. As for that bit i guess you did the best you could with the question you had, the intro is a little short you kind of went straight to the point drag it out a little and have a powerful statement to cross into the teacher question.

Answer 3

yeessss

it is very good =]]

Answer 4

It really doesn't sound great, it does sound cheesy, it's more like you are speaking in general to the reader.

Answer 5

Its personal, granted and many universities like that however I feel it doesn't flow well, for example you use to many fillers between words; like, the double or's. Also you use to many I's remember, you don't always have to spell it all out for the reader, a little discrepancy is good.

I say a good first attempt, with a little improvement it will wow your future school.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 6

I think you are starting off too objectively or specific.  You got to be broad at an introduction then gradually get more specific.

Answer 7

It's a interesting start however I think you should finish your essay first because I can see this introduction fit and become different stories easily. Every part of your essay is important and making sure each paragraph fits to each other like a puzzle. I could criticize your paragraph but what if you don't want to write about this anymore or have other ideas. You don't want to waste your time so definitely place everything you want to say onto the page before starting the "editing" process.

Keep this in mind: remember to explain what you learned and how you learned it than just explaining a story. Admission people love to see that kind of stuff because it shows you learned something.

It's a good thing to start your essays if you think you'll be very busy. Also, when you finish early, you can even ask your teachers (especially English teachers), school counselors, family (I'd avoid friends because they may steal your ideas) if they can look it over for you. They'll advise you on how you can "tell" your story even better. If you do it last minute and give a short deadline for your teachers to look through your essays, they will feel pressured and say that they wont have the time.  

Answer 8

Yes, you are right -- it sounds cheesy.  It is too conversational, and you use the word "I" far too much.