Is this a ground for divorce?

Question

Now before you all crucify me please read my story.

I've been married 2 years to a wonderful husband. Before we married, i never told him that I had a history of depression, maybe coz i never wanted to lose him. We had a very rocky relationship because of my depression and my inability to handle stress. A few months ago, I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and went into major depression. After that I lost my job, and had a nervous breakdown, and now not only suffered from depression but from extreme anxiety. I have watched my husband try and keep things together but i see that he is wearing away. He is tired of seeing me sick, and I don't blame him, because when my moods change, he's the one who gets the brunt of it. I do love him very much but i feel like he's slipping away. He is a good man, he does not cheat and he does not drink. But lately, he's been coming home, does not want to talk to me and when we talk, we're always fighting. Well, I'm always yelling and he never says a word. All this silence is really scary because i don't know what he is thinking. I don't know if i would have anything to live for if he ever leaves me.

We have no kids, he made it very clear he does not want to have any children with me, I don't know why, though i do suspect his mother warned him that she does not want sick grandbabies. What should I do? Should I just give him a divorce if he everasks for it?

Answer 1

Sounds to me like he is ready for a divorce and you are ready to let him go, so do it.

Answer 2

in most states, there is no fault divorce.  that means either party can divorce with no grounds.

Answer 3

i think that the two of you need counseling asap.  there are multiple issues here.  1.  your mental illness.  you probably should have told him about this prior to you getting married.  however, i can understand why you did not.  there is a stigma about mental illness in our culture.  the sad reality is that a lot of the time, you will get more sympathy if you are a crack addict than if you suffer from depression or bipolar.  that's a fact.  thing is...you can't relate to, or understand depression unless you've been there.  until you have, you just don't know...period.   it's like a cauldron of blackness that consumes you and you don't know how to get out.  2.  your husband is trying the best that he can, but even the best people have a breaking point.  he might be reaching his.  he probably wants to cry and scream at you at the same time and just doesn't know what to do anymore.   he's probably worried about your health first, and now money...as you have lost your job.  he probably sees all of his friends with their happy wives, and there he is with you.  i'm not judging you, just giving you his perspective.  he probably feels cheated in some respects, and wishes that there were some "truth in advertising" before he married you.  you need to somehow let him know that you love him and want to make things work.  don't tell him that you want have anything to live for if he leaves.  that's an unfair burden to put on someone.  also, do you want someone to stay with you simply out of guilt or obligation?  i wouldnt.

3.  if your husband doesn't want kids with you, he needs to tell you why.  this should have also been discussed before the wedding.  while there is a family component of mental illness, that is by no means a definate.  he could have married a NASA engineer who looked like cindy crawford and his mother could have ended up with "sick grandbabies".  these things happen.  

all of these things being said.  try your hardest between the two of you to make the marriage work.  if after every effort, he wants a divorce, grant him his wish.  you can't have a marriage if only one person wants it.  that won't work.  

Answer 4

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I have two family members who are bipolar and I know that it is difficult to level it out corrrectly with medication.

My brother in law became so bad that he ended up in the mental ward because "the voices" were talking to him. This has been extremely hard on his wife..and the rest of us. He is now on a combination of medications and seems to be happy again.

I suggest that you see your doctor and ask for a new treatment. Maybe Litium combined with another antidepressant. This helped my brother in law.

As for your husband - he cannot help that he may feel helpless and lost. All you can do is be an advocate for your mental health and try to make it better.

I wish you luck.

Answer 5

I'll have childlren with you. I'm Bipolar and there's nothing wrong with my sperm///oooooooh your story really got my skin up.

I would marry you just to prove a point.

Leave him if he thinks that low of you. You do not deserve this. I will back you up 100%.

From bipolar to bipolar your fine girl remember that!!

Answer 6

This is such a sad situation.  I suffer from the same thing and my husband catches the worst of it as well.  Mine tho, is not as severe.  Only thing I could suggest is keep you head high!  If he loves u ull make it.

Answer 7

Divorce might happen. Sorry to say. But seek treatment first. Have been diagnosed with depression and I do take meds for it. It has helped me allot!

You will always find someone else to make you happy even though it might not seem like it today!

Answer 8

You don't mention if you have tried medications for your condition. I'd try that and some therapy first before runing a marriage with a man who seems to be understanding of you and has already put up with a lot from you.  Also, it's not a big risk on your children inheriting your problem, so not having children is no excuse to blame on your condition, as long as you control it with meds and therapy.  The big threat would be if you had the children and went off your meds and you caused them physical and mental distress and harm.  You'd be a real fool to give up on a good marriage unless you've tried medication and therapy first.

Answer 9

get treatment for your illness and go to counselling together so that you both know what you can do to make things work - on both of your behalfs - "in sickness and in health" -- but that does not mean you can continue to be untreated. you need to get well so that you can keep your end of the deal.

i work with some bipolar people who have good marriages and healthy kids- and i bet you would not leave your husband if he was sick,. or refuse to have kids with him if he had a cancer gene or predisposition to something.

also, you did not know you were bipolar before you married him. bipolar is hard to diagnose...you were misdiagnoised with depression.

there are some good meds for anxiety too...

Answer 10

Yes, set the poor man free.

Answer 11

try counseling i mean that in a good way first you should bring it up to your husband and tell him the total truth and tell him you want to be with him and maybe counseling will help you both out. Good luck

Answer 12

Seek medical help, bi-polar disorder is manageable with the right prescriptions.  You can be a functioning happy person.  Do everything you can to make yourself better, save your marriage, and make a happy life for you and your husband.

Visit http://www.isitbipolar.com/  for more information!

Answer 13

Stress can destroy people, I've seen it happen, but you have to stick it out and try to get better, try to give him more time, it's usually pretty hard on men to see their woman ill, and believe me when I say this divorce is a messy and very painful thing.

Answer 14

  Why cant you get your bi-polar under control?  No meds are working or what?   Maybe you guys could seperate while  you continue working on getting better.  He probably dosent want to talk b/c you might be being irrational when you fight.  I think he is being smart and preserving what is left of your marriage.  Seperate for now.

Answer 15

I understand both sides, will medication help your disorders?

Can you live a "normal" life?

Would you children have a chance of having this disorder?

Would counsiling help both of you?

help him find the answers and do it together...

Answer 16

Please seek help for your bipolar disorder.  Try to keep things as amicable as possible until you are under treatment.

Answer 17

Oh sweetie!  There is SO much help out there...you need to ASK for it though.  There are MANY mental health groups for bi-polar disorder...and...equally...help groups for these married to or in the families of those of us who suffer with this. Look up bipolar online and you will find many links to get you started finding the help you need.  

Be aware that part of what attracted your husband to you in the first place was his need to be 'the good guy'...but he may have gotten in over his head. He needs some support from his peers.

Good luck to you both.  By the way, a medication named Depakote made all the splendid difference in MY life!

Answer 18

I don't think it's possible that because you never "told him about your history" beforehand, he never noticed that you had dramatic mood swings and such.  Being bipolar, depression, etc., is a part of you, and if he doesn't accept that, he doesn't accept YOU.  It's not a way you are "ill," and if he married you, he accepted you that way.  I will never again visit a psychiatrist to be put down and told that I am "sick," when I am just different.  If he won't talk to you, you should ask HIM for a divorce on account of him knowing how fragile you are emotionally and then ignoring you.

Answer 19

Well by not telling him you failed to be completely honest with him. Honesty is a major factor in any relationship. I don't know your husband and this can only be answered by you. How well does he deal with emotion? Not all men are capable of dealing with extensive emotional issues. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, only that his level of emotional strain has been tapped. His silence could be his only means of coping with it at this point. He's not as familiar with this aspect of you and wonders where the woman he married is. He may not fully understand your problem either and this could be because he has no experience in dealing with extreme emotional variances. Talking things out without frustration.'Yelling' at him because he doesn't understand isn't a way to solve things. Patience, understanding, commitment, and especially love will help a great deal. The two of you need to have a serious sit down and talk things through without the unwelcome surfacing of frustration, disappointment, and anxiety having any control. Consider a retreat for the two of you where you can get away together to do this and reaffirm your commitments to each other. If this isn't possible seek a counselor or someone in a professional field who can guide the two of you through this difficult time. God bless and good luck.