My friend got dumped recently, and I was in the other room when it happened. This is how the conversation went:
Her: Crying the entire time
Him: Listen, I know this is a little sudden, but it's just not working out. We just don't have anything in common anymore. You like ballet, I like hockey, you like being fat and ugly, and I don't like fat and ugly people. I mean I can do chubby, but you graduated from chubby school a little while ago. Now you're attending the university of disgusting. And don't think it has anything to do with you, I mean I'm the one that absolutely despises you, I'm the one that's been cheating on you with random S****y girls for the last two years because I'm no longer attracted to you, it has nothing to do with you. Actually you kind of remind me of an uglier version of Cathy Bates from Misery. You've never seen Misery?? I'm sure you'll find someone else, there's plenty of blind people out there looking for dates, of course when they touch you they'll soon realize their mistake but you could probably squeeze in a few dates before that happens. I know this is hard but if all else fails you can always kill yourself, you know you can't feel pain when you're dead. Nonono wait, then I'd have to raise our one year old son, no... live with the pain, raise little Joey, and someday when he's old enough to understand tell him that his dad died. But make it cool, like I died killing terrorists. But whatever happens... <his phone rings> Sorry, I have to take this. <picks up> Hey baby, yeah I'm good, just breaking up with the old one. How is she what? <turns back to my friend> Sorry, could you cry a little less noisily? <turns back to phone> Oh how is she taking it? She's okay, she's a big girl. Hahahahaha yeah, she IS a big girl! <hangs up> Anyway I have to go, and who knows, maybe in a couple of years when you're 18 we'll cross paths and fall right back in love. Highly unlikely unless you lose the weight, but let that be a goal for you. Oh, did I leave any condoms here? I'm gonna need those...
Is this insensitive?
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