Is this a revision for the better?

Question

Invisible

by C.S. Scotkin

Invisible one

destined to be

crux of sorrow,

loss

misery

from your beginning.

No fault of yours.

You were

an Innocent

from first

to last.

You were

never invisible

to me.

No fault

of ours.

No power

this side

of heaven

could right

nature’s wrong.

Numb anger

and tears

hid you.

You remain

just outside,

peripheral

sweet

glimpse,

that might

have been.

Answer 1

i really like them both...rock on!

Answer 2

Yes, I believe it to be so.....the previous poem seemed to just have individual words strung out with no logic to their placement....the change is subtle but there (you could take it even further)

No fault of ours.

No power

this side of heaven

could right nature's wrong.

Numb anger

and tears

hid you.

(It does obviously depend upon where YOU want the greatest emphasis to lie, which might be different from my interpretation).

Answer 3

Atta girl!!!

Down to the basic words, and meaning is the same.

What a strange impression I got....that this was about Jacque Moliere...the last Grand Master of the Templars, burned at the stake for things he never did!

Answer 4

Min Poe

excellence.

EWD not.

Big raps!

Brava!

I hope Yamster has his knitting needles out CS.

Answer 5

I'm really liking S-3...overall, very srtong.

Answer 6

The only difference that I saw was placing wrong on the line with nature's.  This is powerful and could represent a lot of images: miscarriage, a sudden loss of someone young, something pure, destroyed to a wish or dream unfulfilled.  This piece gives much to ponder.  Again, my compliments.

Answer 7

I like them both, especially the last stanza.

Answer 8

I like both, but as brilliant poets like Elyslund, Elaine, and TD will tell you, less is definitely more. I love the original, and the edit. Write on.