Is this a totally selfish feeling or not....?????

Question

My boyfriend and i have a newborn, and he works while i stay home, basically we are the complete domestic couple. sometimes its so old school it makes me sick, but it works for us :)

anyways is it completely selfish to want him to wake up with me sometimes during the night? i know that he has to wake up and go to work and i stay home and "work" but sometimes i am so tired during the day because i didn't have any help in the night that i have to drink tons of coffee to stay on my feet. :(

how should i approach this thinking objectively?

should i try to bring it up to him?

i am smart enough to know that all this is part of being a mother, and i am not ungrateful to him at all, but sometimes i just get so stressed!

If you decide to answer this make sure you have an ANSWER and you aren't just posting your opinion.

I do not want to be criticized, judged, or scrutinized by other mothers, fathers, or anyone for the feelings i have. that is starting to really make me mad about this site.

thank you!

all positive answers are welcome!!

:)

Answer 1

No, it's not selfish. You are not at home enjoying a vacation, you're sleep deprived and taking care of a new baby. I would ask if he could help you out maybe once a night depending on how often the baby wakes up. Raising a child is not easy and one person should not shoulder all the work even if you stay at home. I woke up with all children b/c I was breastfeeding and did not introduce the bottle right away. My husband wanted to help me out and wake up to help with the baby once they were on the bottle.  

Answer 2

No, i completely agree with you. I am a stay at home mom with a working husband as well. The husband doesn't work on weekends so our compromise is he helps out on the weekends while i kinda recharge lol.  

Answer 3

No! This is not selfish at all! I would recommend that you try to talk it over with your boyfriend about how you feel. It's really important that he knows how you feel, otherwise he may not ever realize that you feel this way!

I would recommend approaching it in such a way so that he knows that you're not criticizing him or making him feel like he doesn't contribute, but still letting him know how much of a toll it is taking on you to do so much by yourself.

For example, I know that you have to go to work every day and that is exhausting and important, but I feel like I am taking on too much and I would appreciate it if you could help me take on the night shifts. Or something like that.

Try to let him know that your job is just as hard as his and that you would appreciate it if he could help you level the playing field a little bit without insulting him or making him feel like you don't think his work is hard or important.

Good luck and congratulations!

Answer 4

I think Aaron's Mommy's advice is good. If you really need the help, ask for it. You could just ask him how he would feel about getting up with the baby once in a while when you really need a little extra rest.

However, my experience is that Dad getting up with the baby didn't help me much with extra sleep. I'd have to wake him up, and then I'd lay in bed listening to the baby cry until everything was okay. I got the same amount of sleep, but more frustration.

A better solution for me was to nap when the baby took naps, and to take naps after Dad got home from work. Sometimes those chores need to go by the wayside. A messy house and pizza for dinner is a small price to pay for a well-rested mom.

Good luck getting through the first couple of months!

Answer 5

Here is how we worked it out when I was home on maternity leave so we could both get some sleep.

My husband would go to bed first, and I would stay up until the baby woke for his first night feeding, usually around 1 in the morning.  After I had breastfed him, changed him, and rocked him back to sleep, I would go to bed.  When he woke up again around 4 in the morning, my husband would get up and feed him breastmilk from a bottle, change him, and put him back to sleep while I slept in.  Then my husband would come back to bed.

By the time my son was awake in the morning around 8am or so, I had enjoyed a six hour stretch of sleep, and my husband had slept from 11-4 and then again from 4:30 to 8.  We both got the rest we needed.

Answer 6

I totally understand how you feel having a 10 week old and 5 year old myself.  Now, what we do is since he is working I let him sleep, but at the same time I get to nap during the day when the baby is sleeping.  This is what many people will tell you!  NAP WHEN THEY DO!  This will be your lifesaver.  

Now, if it gets to where you both are working or on the weekends, sure go ahead and ask him to help with late night baby time.  This is what works great for us, if you still feel that you need more help maybe you should consider asking for help.

Answer 7

hey there, i to have one of those old fashioned relationships where he works i raise the baby and do the houseworkd.... very borning and domesticated! ha ha ha

Anyway I to get up to the baby all night as he has to work the next day and it is very very tiring.... some days if we have had a bad night i really don't want to get up at all. I did eventually ask for help from my husband but not during the week when he gets up to work in the morning. I get up to baby night and day during the week and saturday night and sunday morning and my husband will get up to her on friday night and saturday morning. So every week I know that i can sleep all friday night and even sleep in saturday morning. knowing that makes the sleep deprivation during therest of the week a little easier to deal with. I also sleep with baby during hte day if i can.... it is amazing what a 20 min nap can do.

best of luck

Answer 8

The good thing about his work is he can go home after work. You cannot because you work at home. There is no where to escape at the end of the day. I say it would be nice to talk to him. And not about him. Ask him if he can give you some R&R (Rest and Relaxation) for one or two nights a week. When you make it about him he will become defensive. And if he does get upset DO NOT get defensive back and make it about him at this point either. You won't win.

Just explain and say Honey, I am so sorry but I have been so exhausted lately and I think it would be best if I was able to get some time to sleep so i am not so tired during the day to take care of the baby.

Answer 9

i wish i could arrange to stay at home.  youre lucky I'm just on maternity leave.  i sometimes feel the same way though even though its only a temporary arrangement.  make sure you approach him calmly and don't be attacking or defensive.  don't start the subject with how hard you work and such.  remember men like things short and simple.  just say that you're really tired and was wondering if he could take over a few things for you like maybe bath time and if he could maybe get up with the baby on nights when he doesn't have to work the next day.  make it seem like you're asking him a favor and let him know you'd be really grateful for his help. and no you're not being selfish,

Answer 10

That is tough but he should be able to realize that staying home with a baby is just as much if not more work than going to a job. Maybe you could have him stay up on the weekend nights when he doesnt have to go to work? that way you can get a couple nights of full rest. and you can sleep during he day when your baby does. i know easier said than done with everything piling up. its only temporary so your husband should be able to help with the baby and housework until you and baby get on a schedule. just talk to him openly over dinner just dont come at him that you want him to do things. do it more as explaining how tired you are and see if you can get him to offer you some help.

Answer 11

No, but you need to approach it with him nicely and rationally - don't nag.

We dealt with this, simply because our son was not a sleeper - his idea of sleeping was 15 to 20 minutes, then up for two to three hours.

After maybe six weeks of this, I couldn't simply function, so my husband had to do at least one feeding at night. Everyone says well, sleep when the baby sleeps, but catching up sleep in 15 minute intervals wasn't going to happen!

The good thing was that my husband would zonk right back out after being with our son, so not much sleep was really lost with him. I could never do that!

He didn't have to do it long, just a while til I got back on my feet.

And, BTW, my son slept through the night one week before his first birthday! Hooray!

Answer 12

I do not feel that it is selfish at all. If you were saying it deliberately to deprive him of sleep, that would be selfish. I have a friend in the exact position you described (she stays home, her husband goes to work) that has the mentality "If I can't sleep, neither can he!" but that is not what you're saying here. And you can't let yourself feel even the tiniest bit bad about how you feel, because the truth is, no matter what he does, your job is harder than his. Being a stay at home full time mom is harder than any job you could ever have! I bet you he has no idea how you feel. Try talking it out with him. But first, really figure out what you are wanting from him. Do you want him to, on occasion, keep you company while you feed? Or would you like to rotate the feedings? I had to think long and hard before approaching my own husband on this matter, because a lot of times men just don't understand what we need and we get frustrated and feel even more alone on the issue. So first think of what you're wanting him to do. Then, be sure to sit down together, alone (I got a sitter for the big "talk" for just an hour) without distractions, and start off by telling him how grateful you are to him for all he does for you and baby. Then, tell him how much you need his help in whatever way you have decided will benefit you best. Explain to him that you're not getting enough rest, you're stressed out, and that you would love it if he could help you out. You could even hint at how much it would keep you relaxed (which I subtly hinted to my husband would equal more cuddling time...do this if it will work with your hubby, if not, forget about it.). I really hope some of this helps. Definitely don't keep thinkng about it, though, it will just get your more upset. Get it off your chest and out in the open. I am sure he loves you and will be more than willing to help in any way that he can. Good luck to you!!

Answer 13

It is not being selfish at all. It wouldn't hurt for him to get up once or twice to help you. He is a daddy and it is his job too.

Also just remember that during the day, when you lay your baby down to sleep to lay down yourself and catch a nap. When baby sleeps, you sleep. I have learned that. Lol

You don't have to do it all, just ask for help. I'm sure he will understand. Don't be like me and be too 'proud' to ask for help b/c us mommies do need a break too.

Answer 14

Have you been feeling this way for awhile now, or just for the last few days?  If it is something new, I would say, keep it to yourself and see if it passes.  I know I have had days where I thought I was going to go crazy, then he settled down and we got back into the swing of things.  BUT, if this is something that is really bothering you, it may be best to ask for help.  But once you do, he may then worry about the two of you when he is at work.  It depends on the man you have and how much you feel you need his help.  Don't mention this to him lightly, but don't keep it to yourself if you think you truly need him.

Don't try to do too much either.  Nap when baby naps and forget about getting chores done for now.  Happy, well-rested mamas=happy babies

Answer 15

I am in the same boat as you.He complains to me that he's the only one working,and he's tired,and what not.But days before I gave birth,he told me "We'll take turns don't worry" right after I had the baby,it was all me.I felt really alone,and that I'm the only one being the parent.Yeah,he brings home the money to support us,but I mean,that doesn't mean he shouldn't take part in the nightly feeding you know?I mean yeah,he's tired and works hard,but its part of being a parent is TAKING PART,no matter what the situation is.I mean its hard enough that we had to go 9 months carrying this beautiful being inside us,but a little help don't hurt.

Its not being selfish,you just want some help,and want him to take part.Just tell him that you feel like you're the only one being a parent,and that he needs to do his part too.He's not the only one tired,you are too.You guys do the equal amount of work,just differently.So hopefully he understands.Good luck.

Answer 16

Before I had my son, I would've have said that the father should never wake up in the middle of the night when he has to go to work. That was until I was so incredibly exhausted from taking care of a newborn :) Even then, I thought I was being whiny, but a lot of my friends and people on yahoo claimed that their partners woke up in the middle of the night to help. My husband now knows that it's more work to take care of a baby than actually getting up and going out into the world, unless you are just lucky! LOL I think it really depends on the couple. Does he help at all even on his days off?

Answer 17

When he has a day off ask him if he can start getting up in the night with baby.  You should get days off too.  OR when he comes home from work make sure you book mommy time.  Work out, sleep, read a book...  do whatever you want.  If he has a hard time doing this everyday try for a few times a week.  Your not selfish at all.  We need time for ourselves too.  Becoming a mom doesn't mean you stop being a woman and your whole family will be better off if you get some time to yourself to "de-stress".

Good luck:)

Answer 18

My husband and I used the same system while I was on maternity leave. There were nights when I was so exhausted and he didn't even know it until I brought it up. Once he finally knew how tired I was, he started helping and it was wonderful. Even having someone wake up with you to do the little things is so helpful! I would recommend telling him how tired to feel. Perhaps suggest that he do one of the feedings during the night, or ask him to help a lot on the weekends. Even one night of great sleep is helpful! Good luck!