Is this all correct to be written....?

Question

Is this written all correct? I want to send it to my university that I have been admitted to, I would be very thankful if you could help me to write it any better.

Dear Sir/Madam,

As I have not yet received the embassy results of student visa, and the week of begining the classes is approaching, I would be very thankful if you could tell me as to when I can apply for the defferal of my admission to my program (i.e: Master of Engineering), and what its procedure is.

Also as am still waiting for my visa results, I wanted to ask if I can deffer my admission for the next possible semester, and then if I get my student visa in the coming days, attend in this program in the current semester.

Thank you very much in advance.

Sincerely,

Answer 1

Just to point out, your first paragraph is one really long sentence, and has some unnecessary words. Universities like you to be concise. Also, there are a few misspellings. So here is a possible revision:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have not yet received the embassy results for my student visa, and the week of beginning classes is approaching. I would be very thankful if you could tell me when I can apply for a deferral of admission to my program (i.e. Master of Engineering), and what the procedure entails.

I would like to know if I can defer my admission for the next possible semester. However, if I receive my student visa in the coming days, may I still attend this program in the current semester?

Thank you very much in advance.

Sincerely,

...

Another note, what you have written seemed redundant to me between the first and second paragraphs. So hopefully my revision is what you were meaning to ask.

You don't have to remind them again that you are waiting for your student visa. And I am thinking your mention of deferral in the first paragraph is the same deferral you elaborate on in the second paragraph.

I hope that works out for you.

Answer 2

sounds fine to me.

Answer 3

Dear Sir/Madam,

As I have not yet received the embassy results for my student visa, and the week of beginning the classes is approaching, I would be very thankful if you could tell me when I can apply for the deferral of my admission into my program (i.e.: Master of Engineering).  I would also like the information regarding the procedure.

As am still waiting for my visa results, I would like to ask if I can defer my admission for the next semester just in case my student visa does not get here in time. However, if I receive my student visa in the coming days I would like to attend this program during the current semester.

Thanks in advance.

Sincerely,