Is this an okay intro for my paper?

Question

The paper is on how the freedoms of the people Fahrenheit 451 are restricted and what things led to it. Is this an okay introduction for a A level Freshman paper? I'm kind of worried my thesis is run on and unclear. any suggestions and critique is welcome!

“My uncle drove slowly on a highway once. He drove 40 miles per hour and was jailed for two days. Isn’t that funny, and sad too?” (Bradbury 9). Clarisse’s bizarre uncle is a prime example of how the citizens of the futuristic city in Fahrenheit 451 have extremely limited freedoms. In Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, Guy Montag lives in this society with a lack of human freedoms accomplished by the pathetic education system, the people’s obsession with entertainment and escapism, and how intellectualism is frowned upon; all helping to take away the 3 things that people need to have freedom of mind.

Answer 1

...the pathetic educational system...  Make education an adjective.

...to take away the three things... Always spell smaller numbers (1-19)

Other than that I think your intro is fine!

Answer 2

Your thesis is pretty clear and you also summarize your points for your thesis in your intro (which is crucial)

All I would recommend is that you change your hook sentence...or maybe just make it flow into the quotation instead of just throwing it at us.

Once you start your body paragraphs make sure you tie it back in with your thesis!!!