Is this an original form and how can I improve it?

Question

This form just started creating itself as I was writing...could it be original and, if so, is it any good? Critiques are most welcome.

PreK

Although his wings were not yet dry

were not yet dry that day

that day she always knew he'd fly

he'd fly away some day

So, from her nest she gave a nudge

a nudge to help him fly

To help him fly among the stars

the stars that are so high

At first he flew, he flew so high

so high her heart did yearn

did yearn of all he'd come to know

to know and come to learn

The baby bird then left his nest

his nest to stretch his wings

his wings were wet, but off he flew

he flew to newer things

But, then his fledgling wings did pause

did pause within mid air

within midair he shed a tear

a tear of great despair

He feared that if he flew too high

too high he might get tossed

get tossed into a scary world

a scary world be lost

His mournful pleas have touched her heart

her heart did break that day

that day she sent her little bird

her little bird away

Then mother bird with heavy heart

with heavy heart she'd sing

she'd sing of how her little chick

her little chick did cling

And, how she knew of what was best

was best to help him grow

to help him grow and set his mind

and set his mind aglow.

So, with her strength, he'll find his place

his place among the stars

the stars where dreams are born to live

to live within our hearts.

Answer 1

I love the style and flow.

Answer 2

This is enchanted writing...every verse is incredible.  I, too, can see this illustrated and given to every child leaving the nest...Wonderful squared and cubed!!!

Answer 3

Wow, sounds like a new form to me, and a very good one at that. It has a lullaby feel to it, maybe that could help come up with a name...I always name mine something generally insane.

Your baby is on the road to wonderful new things, but don't let him stray too far from the nest, at least not yet. But this...perfect it, post rules, I'm itching to try it on for myself.

Thanks for the inspiration and the beautiful poem.

Answer 4

Let me start by saying that that poem was wonderful to read. It made me feel as if I was reading it to my daughter, though she wasn't even around at the time.

I've been going through the poem and my Italian dictionary to try and help come up with a name (if this style isn't already taken--the closest thing I found was "There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly", where the end of every line is repeated in the middle of the next, and could be thought of as a folksong that aids in memory retention.) and the best I came up with is "Partenza Represa" or "Partenza Ripetere" which badly translated means: the point of departure is resumed (or where you start is where you left off). I know it doesn't have a good nursery rhyme feel to it, but, like I said, that's the best I could come up with.

As for a critique: It just needs to be tightened up a bit. Maybe pick out the stanza that you like the best as far as rhythm and meter and try to get the rest to match by using some kind of check list.

For example:

The baby bird then left his nest,....what he do? Left his nest.

Left his nest to stretch his wings,......His what? His wings.

his wings were wet, but off he flew.....He did? Yeah, He flew off,

He flew off to brand new things.

Sorry I changed the meter in that from 8/6/8/6 to 8/7/8/7 and newer to brand new.

I hope that was some what helpful; it's obvious you put a lot of work behind that.

And one more thing: 'bout time you got a poem on here again; it's been like weeks. (It was worth the wait, once again I am in awe.)

Answer 5

What TD said...

EDIT: Don't "refine" it too much!  We love it as it is.

Answer 6

This is lovely, a sing song, perhaps. as it does make one want to sing

Kudos

Answer 7

Grand salute to the queen of eloquent repetition - I loved it - nice meter - very fanciful and sunny. You have won a Gold in gymnastics ;-) ♥

Answer 8

Me wow too. As you went through such pains to explain it, I expected the poem itself to be rigid and forced...but...Nooooooooo...this is beautiful. In the book.

Answer 9

Ah, that's great!  I could see this being published with illustrations and everything.  It drew me right in and was very touching!  Excellent!  

Answer 10

It sounds nice, and makes impact on the reader just to catch on with the flow. This repetitive mode is found is in the folklore of other cultures, especially in the Middle-east as a form of story narrating. But usually used for making what seems to be (endless) story, suitable for children play and learning new words and concepts.Such story usually made of lines, where each line is divided into two parts which  rhyme, and the rhyming of the next line could be different.

Any way, I like it. And as long as U wanna make it as a new form, then U should put the rules for it. For instance, at what point the repetition takes place ? Because in Ur poem U 'v picked different points.Good luck .      

Answer 11

Fascinating format, it would lend itself to nursery rhymes really well with the repetitiveness.  Very nice.  You have a winner.  Now as to the coming out party, black tie or casual?  Got a name picked out for the baby yet?