Is this any good, slightly, maybe, not at all?

Question

"Numb" - hopefully a slightly decent quatern

Running from a heart that's broken,

and haunted by your emerald eyes.

Keeping close your thoughtless token,

I knew you'd never realize.

A kiss means nothing so I keep

running from a heart that's broken.

I think you know that I don't sleep,

quoting words we've never spoken.

From this dream I've not awoken,

a dream of you with me tonight.

Running from a heart that's broken

will not release me from my plight.

I'll realize that that you don't care

even as my heart turns oaken.

I've lost all feeling I can spare,

running from a heart that's broken.

author's note: Please, feel free to harshly critique, and downright ridicule this. I'm just searching for my muse...that includes some pretty unforgivable poetic ventures.

Answer 1

Waddaya mean "we don't harshly critique?" I'd chop her into corn beef harshly, but she never gives me the chance.

Just make it "em'rald" that's what most of us say anyway.

I think you've got it right with "running from."

The only criticism I have is in regard to the dogshit after the title. It is a pathetic and patronizing attempt to dull the sharp scalpel of our righteous comments. And then, giving us a spurious carte blanche to trash this pathetic screed is beneath contumely . HA! How unconvincingly disingenuous! Harrumph! Make that TWO harrumphs - and a snort, while I'm at it.

Answer 2

could it be "running with a heart that's broken? "  "running from"  to me at least indicates someone else has the broken heart.. rather than fleeing from the possibility of pain. Just a thought..

Your poem sounds good to me...  "Quoting words we've never spoken" is inspired...

that is where your muse hangs out.. inside truth

Answer 3

This is more than good, this is excellent! Your muse was definitely visiting for this one.

Answer 4

I love this one. Stunning.

Answer 5

Harshly huh???

Running from a heart that's broken

This line is repeated in every stanza.  I could say it's too repititious, and that the words that rhyme with it are all too forced, and the whole thing is too cliche`.  Yes, I could say all that, but it would be a lie.  You have created an excellent poem here, and no amount of harshness will detract from it, so harshness be hanged.  I loved it.

Answer 6

We don't harshly critique on this site. We may offer suggestions. I have none for you at the moment.

Answer 7

I know the Quatern well and you've done a wonderful job.  It's not such an easy task to fit a repeating line into each quatrain, but you managed it particularly well.   There is nothing here to harshly critique.  Content and form are aptly wrought.   Only one thing.  I would agree that if you pronounce "emerald" with only two syllables then I would spell is "em'rald".  Most people pronounce it with two syllables, however there are a few of us who pronouce the three and it throws off the meter just a bit.

Jeff, you always tickle my funny bone :)

lano, research what a "Quatern" is and then offer suggestions.

The first line of the first quatrain becomes the second of the second, the third of the third, and the forth of the forth.

Answer 8

i like it but i think you mentioned the broken heart a lot try to either get rid of the repeattion or replace it with something else.

Answer 9

Shows promise, but needs a bit of work. May I suggest a few changes for you to play with?

Running from a heart that's broken,

haunted by your emerald eyes.

Keeping close your thoughtless token,

knowing you'll never realize.

Running from a heart that's broken,

a kiss means nothing so I keep

'quoting' words we've never spoken,

I think you know I cannot sleep.

Running from a heart that's broken

will not release me from my plight.

From this dream I've not awoken,

a dream of you with me tonight.

Running from a heart that's broken,

I've lost all feeling I can spare.

Even as my heart turns oaken

I realize that you don't care.

By using the same line as the opening one on each verse the repetition seems less jarring because it is so obviously deliberate. The way you had it tended to suggest you were struggling with what to write and therefore repeated yourself.

Anyway, it's your poem so do as you wish with it.

Incidentally, as 'emerald' is three syllables, you didn't need the 'and' in the 2nd line of the 1st verse.

Right, take it away!

Note to Sptfr: I know fine well, but for some reason or other, it just didn't work. Maybe the rest of the poem didn't live up to that one line, but there was something that was awkward. And you really should stop 'bigging' people up as regards their poetry just so you can sook up to them and be part of the 'in-crowd'. Much against my better judgement, I've now looked at ALL the poems of elyslund on YA Answers (just in case I was too harsh in my criticism) and I can categorically state that each and every one of them is utter excrement.

The simple-minded may find them amusing, but I once read a poem on the toilet wall of Portsmouth Library that puts anything I've ever read by elyslund to total shame, literary-wise. Remember the song 'The Emperor's New Clothes'? You and your cronies would've been in the crowd telling him how marvellous he looked!

And the word is 'fourth'.

Answer 10

I personally don't like it.

I made it through half the poem before I realized I was getting bored.

But, who cares!

Obviously each line and word mean something to you as my poems mean something to me.  And, that's all that matters.

Until, poets have to start carrying pencils, notebooks, and back packs with sponsors like Borders, Barnes & Noble and Starbucks I wouldn't care what anyone thinks.

Answer 11

"Running from a heart that's broken"

That line gets really annoying by the time you hit the last verse.

Answer 12

It is the saddest ending of a poem ever

Answer 13

If King of Biscuits had done this everyone would be falling over themselves to praise him for his technical formatting skill.

Me, I'm here tripping over Elaine, Jeff  and the rest just to shake your hand! Great poem and the repeated line is just right! Yes it is a "slightly decent quatern" well executed. Your hope has been realised and exceeded. As have ours.

Answer 14

i really like it! i especially like how every stanza has "running from a heart that's broken" in it, and yet the sentence moved down a line every time. but since you asked for it, heres some (hopefully) constructive criticism:

* try to add a little more imagery or descriptive words. tell more how you feel, maybe, besides the obvious your heart is broken. however, i really like the emerald eyes.

*idk why, but i dont really like the end. i guess its because you ended with the line you repeated, so it doesnt end with something new that makes you think.

but, still a truly great poem. your muse was here.