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Is this any good? I'd like honest frank opinions. Don't worry about my feelings:)?

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Eric stepped into the familiar surroundings of Marissa’s bedroom. Everything looked the same as the last time he’d been here, only the atmosphere surrounding the prettily decorated room was not as it had been last time. He looked at her small figure huddled on the four poster bed in front of him, she looked so small and vulnerable, a stab of guilt shot through him, he knew he should have come sooner but h**l, he hadn’t know what to say, he still didn’t, but he knew he had to see her.

“Marissa?” he called softly, she shifted slightly on the bed but didn’t answer. Eric sat down beside her and laid his hand on her arm, she felt cold and stiff, not the warm loving girl he knew so well.

“Babe, I’m sorry. When I heard what happened, I guess I just froze up. I don’t know how to deal with this, what to do or say. I know I should have been here before now, but I’m here now, we can get through this together.” Marissa turned to face him, her face ashen and almost unrecognizable with the cuts and bruises that covered one side of her face. Eric tried to bite back the gasp that escaped from his lips, he’d known she’d been hurt quite badly, he just hadn’t been prepared to the face the harsh reality of her attack.

“You don’t know how to deal with this? How the h**l do you think I’m feeling then?” She didn’t shout, but her words impacted on him as if she had been screaming and bellowing.

He knew he was a first class jerk, knew it was selfish of him to consider his own feelings in all that had happened, but in truth, he was afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of how she would react to him after the debilitating attack she had endured.

Anger swelled through his body, the police hadn’t even caught the b*****d that had did this to her, Marissa had been unable to give a good description of him, it had been dark and he’d approached her from behind.

Eric had to shut all thoughts of what she had suffered from his mind, when he’d received the phone call from Macey, Marissa’s older sister, he’d smacked his fist into the wall, had wanted to lash out at anything and anyone in his path. He looked down at his clenched fists, taking deep breaths to control himself.

“I saw you with her” Marissa had spoken so quietly, Eric wasn’t sure she had spoken at all. She’d pulled herself into a sitting position, her green eyes full of fear and sadness, Eric felt his heart shatter in pieces, he didn’t know how they were going to get through this, he just knew that he had to be strong for this incredibly brave and beautiful woman before him.

“What do you mean babe? Saw me with who?” a lone tear slid down her swollen cheek, he wanted to pull her into his arms and hold her, to reassure her she was going to be ok, but deep down he wasn’t sure it was going to be ok.

“Carla”

She didn’t have to say anymore, he knew what she meant and what she’d seen. He wasn’t sure if she was in the right state of mind to hear him out or understand what had gone on that night, the same night Marissa had been attacked.

Suddenly, realization hit him and hit him hard. Marissa must have turned up at The Priory Lounge. Eric usually stopped there after work at his fathers law firm. He’d met Tristan, another employer at the law firm, they’d gotten so engrossed in a case they were discussing, Eric hadn’t realized the time and he was late meeting Marissa. He’d been getting ready to leave when Carla had turned up, she was his father’s secretary and made no attempt to hide the fact that she wanted Eric.

Carla was a very s**y woman, legs that went forever and a mane of glossy brunette curls, unfortunately for Carla, her personality did not match her good looks. She would walk over anyone and cause mass destruction in her bid to get what she wanted. Eric had tried giving her a gentle brush off, but she must have had a few too many already and before he knew what hit him Carla had locked lips with him, the overpowering aroma of her strong perfume and whiskey breath floating up his nostrils.

He’d immediately pushed her away from him, but Marissa must have walked in the moment Carla had clutched hold of him and saw them both locked together. Understandably upset, she would have taken the short cut back to her flat, not taking into account her surroundings or her safety. Then she’d been attacked.

Feelings of anger, guilt and sorrow swamped him, he wanted to explain to Marissa what had really happened that night, he wished he had gone to meet her straight after work instead of calling in at The Priory, but there was no way of turning back time, he just had to make her believe and trust in him. It didn’t help that he and Carla had had a brief affair several years ago.

“Oh Marissa, babe listen, what you saw, was not what you think it was” Marissa laughed humorlessly “That’s what they all say, isn’t it?” It was a rhetorical question, one he knew not to bother replying to.

“It’s over Eric” her words slammed into his chest and he felt like he couldn’t bre

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13 ANSWERS


  1. Hardly Booker prize stuff, but you could probably get it published in a woman weekly or similar as a short story, get it proof read, and try submitting it to a few and see what happens.


  2. Not bad.

    You seem to despise full stops, preferring instead to use comma after comma after comma, building sentences that grow increasingly fragile the longer they get. It's also wordy; eg. you could have said, Guilt, anger and sorrow swamped him, and omitted the first two words of the sentence.

    Try reading your work aloud. If it feels odd in your mouth, you need to rewrite that section.

    I think that with a bit of editing, this would be publishable in one of the story magazines.

    Good luck.

  3. this is brillant! OMG!

  4. Its really good. What I don't get is if the father saw Carla with Eric or not.  

  5. uh you grammar needs a lot of work

    but the plot's okay

  6. no 1 international best seller for sure

  7. A few issues with verb tense and punctuation, but it seems good overall.

  8. I really liked it. Became interested very quickly and wanted to read more. Think you're very good and need to continue what you are already doing so well. This is my honest opinion.

  9. It's was okay. You're first paragraph wasn't written very well. Too many comas. I did get a little interested after that first paragraph. This was the best thing you wrote and I enjoyed it:

    “You don’t know how to deal with this? How the h**l do you think I’m feeling then?” She didn’t shout, but her words impacted on him as if she had been screaming and bellowing.

    It was understandable and relatable. It was how she said it, but didn't shout it. It helped the reader to understand the girl better.

    At the end, I felt bad for the guy. How you said: "..her words slammed into his chest..." was very good. Good describing. Basically, you made me feel emotion and that's a very, VERY good thing.

    My biggest concern is your dialog. It was VERY unrealistic. How they spoke was unrealistic and on the occasion, what he thought.

    Your writing, grammar, and dialog need work. But for now, just write your story. You can bother with the editing later. And have fun when you write. If you don't enjoy writing that story then you won't finish it. Good luck.


  10. I enjoyed it, A nice easy read and I actually wanted to carry on reading once I started. Really good

  11. I think you have a real talent. Keep working!

    J-

  12. It's quite good and do not give up always trying to improve. As others have said I think you need to work on your punctuation.  Also the golden rule - never use 10 words when one is enough.  By this I mean things like - 'only the atmosphere surrounding the prettily decorated room was not as it had been last time.  You could just write 'only the atmosphere surrounding the room was very different'.

    Some people might disagree with me but I have found that you will hold people's attention more if you avoid overly long descriptions and superfluous words.

    I would recommend getting a good book to learn about grammar and punctuation and I would also recommend reading books on creative writing, joining a creative writing group and also reading as many books as you can handle to study how published authors write.

    Always remember - keep going and practice, practice, practice!

  13. My frank honest assessment is

    VERY GOOD,

    a lot better than I can write.

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