Is this bad parenting or am I just spoiled?

Question

I will assure you I am not trolling.

I am 19 years old, and I just moved out. However, I am sitting here thinking of my mother and how she "raised" the 3 of us. For some reason, she LOVED punishing us, like a sport. She would just wait for us to s***w up.

When my youngest sibling was potty training, she put her on the toilet--with her pants on. Then she had the audacity to say "You wet your pants!" and spanked her. She would also tell her not to, for instance, eat a cookie, right? But then she'd put it right near her, then would walk away and peep at her around the corner.

My brother, he stole some handheld video game from school and she found it. First, she made him return it and apologize--fair enough, right?She didn't stop there--she then made him apologize to the kid's parents, THEN she made him get up in front of the classroom and say that he stole from a classmate and if anything comes up missing it's probably him, THEN she made him tell the principal who dave him 2 weeks detention, THEN she beat the tar out of him THEN grounded him a month...THEN was actually going to take him to the cops but my dad said to leave them, they had more important things to deal with.

Another time I was grounded, and she kept tacking on more days for inane reasons such as walking with untied laces or forgetting to brush my teeth. What started out as 2 weeks, she'd stretch out to 3 months.

I had once gotten a job at a restaurant, and the first day I was supposed to work, she told me I wasn't allowed cause she thought I wasn't responsible, then sat with a smirk on her face as I fumed.

I can write all day long, but I don't want this to be long winded. I'm trying to understand how doing whatever you can to make your kids unhappy is good parenting, just waiting for them to s***w up so you can flaunt how powerful you are.

Or am I just spoiled? If you are a parent, I want your input.

Answer 1

sounds like a bit of a t**t

she shouldnt be doing that

if your brother says sorry to the person he stole from that is normal parenting but going up infront of a classroom isnt normal...

and the fact that most parents would be happy for you getting a job and she made you quit it is weird

yeah

and with your younger sibling, instead of your mother doing what she did, all she needed to do was to just pull her pants down, coz you cant go to pee in your underwear and go around with pee and other things in your pants all day now can you!

Answer 2

you aren't spoiled, your mother is insane. sounds like Mommy Dearest part 2

Answer 3

Ooo...I feel a really good Dr. Phil show coming up...

Answer 4

no u arent. thats bad your parents spanked your youngest sibling for wetting the pants.

Answer 5

god d**n it sounds like your moms got munchausen syndrom

Answer 6

Not spoiled at all, Ive heard of this before. and it sounds like your Mental abuse. If i was you id be concerned for you two other siblings happiness. I dont know how your father sits on this situation but maybe you could talk to him about your mums behaviour? She's not punishing you fairly and she's not acting the way normal mothers do. The two inicidents with your sister you talked about, that sounds like she's trying to mentally torture her, and she sounds very young so id be concerned for your sister. I think maybe you should speak to child line or something? or find some organisation that can help your mum out. She may have something wrong and thats why she is abusing you like she has x x

Answer 7

It sounds like she may have needed some mental help, or that she was a control freak and like the fact that she could control you.  My advise... Be grateful that you were able to move out, and remember that you are the adult now...the rest of what happens to you, is up to you.  Make the best of it and become a better person than she is!!  That will show her!

Answer 8

I'm sure there are worse parents. I can see her point of view on your bro stealing the handheld device. I think him standing up in front of the class and saying that anything else missing is probably him is deceptive and taking it way too far. I feel your pain but I can't tell for sure how bad parenting it was unless I actually saw it. Based on what you said (I'm hoping you were honest) that is taking it too far. No parent should enjoy punishing their kids or basically forcing them to mess up.

Answer 9

I feel terrible for you.  It's going to be hard to know what's reasonable when you have kids, because your own background was so abnormal.  I suggest you find good, stable, normal people at church or somewhere to befriend and that you observe and talk to them about how they parent their children so you can rewrite some scripts.

Discipline is all about helping a child become a better person.  It may involve punishment, which is unpleasant, but that is to teach a lesson, not to be cruel.  Discipline is NOT about being vindictive,  mean, or finding excuses to be harsh.

I would only do the "hide and watch" thing if I knew I had a kid who was not submitting to my authority.  If I had a kid who stole like that, I would most assuredly have spanked him, grounded him, and made him apologize to the class...and maybe even have had him write a paper on virtue or honesty--but I wouldn't have kept laying it on.  You don't spank a child for potty training accidents, ever.

The problem with all of this is that your mother wasn't disciplining...she was being mean-spirited and taking out her own orneriness on her children.  I'm so sorry you had to go through that.  Whenever you do become a parent, I suggest you find other good dads to talk to so you'll have a resource.  I run a parenting group on yahoo for fathers raising sons (groups.yahoo.com/group/fathersraisingso... so if you find yourself in that situation, you might want to join and talk to some of us.  Otherwise, find other reliable people---"in the multitude of counsellors, there is safety".

Answer 10

There is a difference in disciplining you children and being a control freak. It sounds like she went over board. A lot of the older parents believe that a child should never be seen or heard. They are so focus on their children being good that they go crazy with discipline. I actually know some parents that way. they wait for their kids to mess up so they can pounce.  

Answer 11

your mother was mentally abusive and i'm sorry you had to deal with that. it also sucks that your father let her get away with that much foolishness. i would confront her about it. maybe she needs counseling. i've decided to sever ties with my father and it absolutely astounds me that he wants to act like his feelings are hurt by that. i've realized that sometime parents want to put up a mental block of how much damage they've done to their children when the kids are grown and want nothing to do with them anymore. good luck.

Answer 12

No you're far from spoiled. Your mom is just insane!  

Answer 13

If all of this is true, your mom is really sick.  I'd keep my distance from her.

Answer 14

The potty training episode was abuse mentally and physically.The thing about your brother stealing.Did he do it again?

As far as your job went, there are 2 sides of the story.I am interested in hearing hers.

Answer 15

no you are not ...

Answer 16

wow. your mom had serious issues.

you dont just wait to punish a kid you should also be rewarding them  for doing good things

Answer 17

Actually your mother has mental health issues.  That's not normal or even close to normal as parenting, to make your children s***w up on purpose to prove your point, or give you a chance to discipline them.

I'm sorry.  Learn from her horrible tactics, and be a loving caring parent when you get the chance.  

Answer 18

your mother was evil and she did not deserve to have children. she has issues...i am disgusted.

Answer 19

omg thats crazy... move out ASAP... wow untied shoe laces?? thats awful!!

Answer 20

That's almost evil, but not illegal. Tell your mom that this is not normal parenting. If you're punished, then tell Dr. Phil. He'll help her.

Answer 21

Your mom is crazy.

Answer 22

It sounds to me like she had serious issues which were never addressed, and that she added to her own self-esteem by controlling those weak enough to be unable to leave.

It's good to be free. Live you own life. Vow that when and if you have kids, you will do better. Get counseling if you need it to let go of your anger. Help any siblings still at home in any way you can. Get strong, be healthy, and protect the weak.

I think this is terrible parenting, perhaps even mental illness, and I'm saddened at your mom's actions and what they did to you all, and appalled at your father's acceptance of them.