Is this behavior the result of non-parenting?

Question

You ask a child who is 14 a question in a normal tone of voice and the 14 year old gets a major attitude and defensive. This 14 year old controls the household because mom lacks a backbone and won't stand up to her. The 14 year old does a lot around the house. (cooking, laundry, taking care of her brother, doing chores for her stepdad when he's tired, etc.) But ask a simple question and she gets all huffy. Is your computer off? Gets a frown on her face. Starts to get angry. No. Ok, could you shut it down? Attitude: Why? Because I asked you too. I don't see why. To save power. Just do it. Something minor gets blown into this big argument. Is this normal? Is this the result of a parent that lets her set the rules and she can do whatever she wants while it's convenient for the parent? Is this parent neglectful?

Answer 1

If she does so much around the house, then you should let her be. She's got loads to worry about without being pestered by other people to do things. Leave her be and she'll get round to it in her own time.

Answer 2

well it sounds like this child has a lot of resposiblities but probably isn't getting alot of respect. She is expected to do the job of adults but probably don't have the freedom that adults, then when an athority figure asks quesitons it irritates her becasue she feels like she should be treated as an adult. Consider the questions she's being asked.. is your computer off (who cares is it that important enough to bother her, is it a question she knows you already know the answer too... are you naging her ???)  

neglect is defined as not meeting the basic needs of the child, or putting the childs health or safety in jepordy, not a child being brattly and her parents alowing it.

Answer 3

i would say she is being a normal teenager but since she seems to be taking care of everything in the house she is probably tired and resentful

Answer 4

non parenting yes neglected child yes force to grow up fast yes typical teenager maybe but she seems to lack love affection quality time alone time her anger seems to be because she was used to doing everything at home therefore she was never questioned or told what to do she pretty much had no childhood sadly its going to be hard to change her but you cant give up on her. her attitude is merely her frustrations coming out she needs someone to talk to someone to understand her. i have a step daughter in the same situation and when she comes over there are simple rules relax be kid clean up after yourself help cook if you choose most of all be yourself. we talk we hang out get out hair and nails done stuff her mom dont take time to do she does the cooking cleaning babysitting laundry not allowed to go with friends attitude at home yes attitude at my house not she calls me to vent and keep her sanity i listen i dont say bad things about her mom i just try to encourage her to talk to her mom but she says she cant so i just give the support i can and in the end hopefully she will be balanced

Answer 5

It's called being a teenager. Most kids get moody at that age and don't want to be told what to do like they are a little kid anymore. they all grow out of it eventually. There is nothing there that even remotely sounds like neglect.

Answer 6

Praise, encourage and compliment good behavior, don't micro-manage her so much and pick your battles carefully and she will see that you are seeking a mutually respectful relationship and are willing to trust her to be responsible for herself and become autonomous. If she doesn't see this through your new behavior, simply tell her so. No lecture about mutual respect, just a simple statement will do.

It seems that her mother has instilled in her a great sense of independence. Regardless of whether the independence is due to bad parenting or not, that is the way she is. Do not try to "fix" her and do not stoop to arguing about things that don't really matter. Try and adapt the way you respond to her for the sanity of your whole household.  If you feel the urge to ask her if the computer is turned of etc... don't.  When she does do it give her a little squeeze and say, "Hey, thanks for turning off the computer, I reeaallly appreciate it!" Keep it simple, no lectures about electric bills.  Trust me, kids respond to this but it takes time.

Answer 7

You think this is not normal? its a phase most teenagers go through this, its called teenage angst... she will get overit as she matures... seeing a therapist is a waste of money

Answer 8

It sounds like a typical teenager. Nothing to be overly concerned about, and certainly no need of a therapist....if she's helping out so much around the house, I think she's deserved a bit of respect....parents can cause just as much attitude in their kids by how they start the conversation.

Answer 9

Maybe the child shouldn't have so many responsibilities, It's always good to have a few, but It sound like this one has too many.  I believe a child acts the way it's raised, or how else would it know to talk to adults like that.  But you also have to think that 14 is a teenager and they are at a spot in there life when they are trying to find themselves, and for the most part, all teenagers have some sort of an attitude.  She also maybe going through a hard time in her life and not know how to deal with it.  Remember you were once her age, don't let her walk all over you, but try to remember how it was like to be her age, and if she is dealing with things you never had to deal with, think of those too.

Good Luck

Answer 10

Sounds like typical, teenager, hormonal, torn between being an adult & a child, trying on different personalities to see how they work, behavior.

She'll grow out of it in 1 to 4 years, depending on how self-aware & empathetic she is (or is taught/encouraged to be).  

There are times, with teenagers, where *everything* is annoying to them.  I'm lucky with my teen because, even though she feels that & acts like that from time to time, you can see in her eyes & in her attempts to control it, that she knows it's temporary & wrong to respond & interact like she does.  So, a little empathy on the part of dad & I goes a long way to letting her know "Hey, kid, I know you didn't mean that & I know you don't like when you're in this mode.  Hope you work it out soon.  Let me know if you need any help"