Is this being selfish or looking out for what's best for me and my mental health?

Question

I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 ,years ago. I've had many ups and downs and, I am now trying my best to live with my illness. I take my medication regularly, but everybody knows that medication is only one part of the recovery. Therefore, I participated in outpatient information courses to help me learn my triggers, control my moods by using mindfulness and many other skills I apply to my life in order to be a better person. I do therapy twice a month and do allot of self analyzing in order to "reprogram" my brain the "good" way. I know that dealing with a bipolar person is not the easiest thing to do...heck , sometimes I can't even stand myself!! And even though I constantly work hard on my mental health, I'm still faced with the usual ups and downs of this condition. I do not consider myself perfect (and never pretended to be either), in fact: I know my flaws and I am trying to corect them the best way I can.

So, I've been going out with the same guy (on and off) for the past 3 yrs. We've had our ups and downs and lately, it was only getting worst. He go into some legal problems last year and was charged with some criminal stuff that he is trying to fight in court. His attitude had gotten very negative and he'd became verbally aggressive. He puts me down and manipulates me by saying that no one will put up with my mood swings and that he really loves me to endure it... Every time I need his support, whether it's physically/emotionnally or psychologically, he brushes me off and doesn't care. I love him alot so, I tried talking to him about how I was unhappy in the relationship, but instead of trying to work at reparing our relationship, he turned every thing around by pointing out all of my flaws and saying how I'm awfull.

This week, he lost his job, because like i said he has a bad attitude. He has a problem with authority and not being the one in control. He was constantly yelling at his boss...telling him how stupid and incompetent he is and how he can't deal with being surrounded by idiots and wishes he could "blow up" his work place. He had gotten prior suspensions for the same reasons but, he just wouldn't change his attitude! Now, for the past days, he's been complaining at how life is so unfare with him and how he always gets bad stuff for no reason...and I finaly lost it!!

I told him that he had a serious attitude problem and that he had brought this onto him. That he never took any advice from others and the reason his life is so bad is because he refusses to follow rules and thinks he's "god" and that every body should do as it pleasses him. I told him i couldn't handle his problems on top of mine, and that I had tried to be there for him but, he'd rather blame every body else on earth except himself. We got into a big argument and, i finaly told him I didn't want to be in this relationship anymore. That I loved him alot but, I just wasn't happy anymore. That it was already hard for me to stay possitive and on top of things and now, he was trying to grab me down with him and I couldn't do/stand it anymore. Of course, he proceded to yelling at me (for hours) and telling me how I was awfull, selfish, etc. and I did some yelling also and went overboard!

Now, I feel really bad and guilty. I hate hurting others and especially the ones I love. I've never been the type of person to break things off in a relationship. I tried every other alternative to fix our relationship but, it was becomming apparent to me that it would never change (cause he didn't want to change for anybody). I realy feel awfull...like I have kicked him while he was at his lowest and I'm affraid of how he might react (he treatened me by saying he wasn't going to accept loosing me so easely cause I was the only thing giving him the will to continue in life...) I know the relationship was unhealthy for me, but I'm an not used to thinking about my needs and I can't help but feel selfish and guilty of being a mean/bad girlfriend...I still care about him and love him, but I just can't handle it anymore...

When is it considered ok to be selfish? Did I do what was the best thing to do, or was I being inconsiderate? Am I really selfish, or is this finaly the stand I should have taken months ago?

Please help me out, my guilt is killing me!!

PS: sorry for making this out to be NOT a short question !! :O

Answer 1

Look, you're not the selfish one here. You're taking care of yourself- there is a difference.

There's obviously trouble coming his way: legal problems, threats... and you realise that some of his behaviour towards you could count as abuse, right? And it seems to me like the kind of situation that could eventually escalate. Not somewhere you want to be.

Either way, he is not a good person to have in your life. He obviously has some issues of his own that he needs to work out, and if he can't do that, it'll be hard for you to work on yours. Focus on getting yourself better and hope he does the same.

Answer 2

Q: When is it considered ok to be selfish?

When that selfishness neither harms yourself nor others and when it is healthy.

Q: Did I do what was the best thing to do, or was I being inconsiderate?

Personally I think that your timing was really bad, its bad enough loosing your job, but also loosing a relationship at the same time can be devastating.  Hopefully he will get back onto his feet and find another girlfriend soon.

Q: Am I really selfish, or is this finaly the stand I should have taken months ago?

You should have done this months ago.

Answer 3

You have done the right thing! I really don't think you have cause to feel guilty at all. Everything you say about working on your mental health sounds so positive. It sounds like you've been working really hard and had a lot of success! It's not just your right to look after your health - it's your responsibility!

It's always very sad to see those we once cared for hurting themselves, and it sounds like this is what your ex boyfriend is doing. Sacrificing your own wellbeing for his (and I believe that if a person is being negative and destructive, the only person who can make big changes for them is the person themselves) would not solve any problems - it would double them.

It sounds a bit like he wants you to be with him no matter how unhappy it might be making you. Does this show you that he really cares about you? Or is it perhaps a bit selfish of him? It sounds like the guilt you are feeling is what he wants you to feel. He might believe that if he can make you feel guilty then he can control what you do or who you are. Of course you care for him and he might not be all bad - but this behaviour toward you is bad. It's just not fair. People who behave like this don't just stop either. The only way to take away their negative influence is to put distance between you and the person. Again, I think you've done the right thing!

Taking a step back from his problems is more than ok, it's the right thing to do.  If his doesn't turn things around, it's sad, but it's really his own responsibility.