Question:

Is this better? I tried to tighten it up a bit.?

by  |  earlier

0 LIKES UnLike

The Saga of Earth, Wind, and Fire

Mother’s regrets caused the oceans.

Wave after lonely wave of her tears

She grabbed for her children.

Her emotional outburst sent the Wind,

With Him the stench of salt and of burning

Flesh, fish, and fowl . . .

For the sanctuaries smoldered away

When the Father parried back in anger

With his dreadful perspicacity!

The Wind, no longer able to observe

The dissension between the two

Took leave from his heavenly preserve.

Stepped foot into the hot grains of sand

Walked across them—a messiah;

He came to receive the wet kisses

From his Mother upon his feet;

She calmed as he continued.

Half submerged, completely absorbed

His head arched back – his arms spread

Wider than he was tall—he implored.

As the flesh burned from his ribs,

No perspective existed, for the sky

Became azure as the waters.

Eyes closed he saw only the orange

Yellow and reds of his Fathers ire;

Devouring all that he could, he bent

 Tags:

   Report

8 ANSWERS


  1. I compared the two versions word for word and I have to say that you have done an exceptional job at revising this poem.  Not only does it have a smoother flow, but it is easier to follow the theme and metaphor as well.  It still contains everything I loved about the other one and then some.  This is a skillfully rendered work of art.


  2. This is masterful and completely absorbing.  The story has tremendous impact; there is provocative power in your images, which have an elegant but urgent flow.  I am awed.  Thank you.

  3. This is a really nice allegory.

    I like this part:

    With Him the stench of salt and of burning

    Flesh, fish, and fowl . . .

    For the sanctuaries smoldered away

    Just a lot of subtle word choices here. I think these types of poems are tough to write. I like what you've done here.

  4. If Sptfyr loves it, then it's good with me!  Glad you got over the "the" malady.

  5. I have to agree with Spytfyr, really excellent edit.  The imagery is stunning!

  6. I think there is some pretty awesome power in this poem.  Sure hope to read more from you!!!!

  7. This is powerful.....made powerful by a refined language and you know the art to contain worlds within your lines. I feel privileged to read a fantastic peace like this today. It's very absorbing.

  8. Love them both...amazing, you

Question Stats

Latest activity: earlier.
This question has 8 answers.

BECOME A GUIDE

Share your knowledge and help people by answering questions.