Question:

Is this boring you?

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Gun Shy Kisses-(+)-

#2

“Miss Charlotte,” voice as cold stone

grating on my nerves like soft cheese

Ogre glances at his four karat watch

“Umhm, as usual,” knowing me all too well

“Sorry,” my reply comes short and hollow

“We hoped you would bring your friend”

I glared at my boss, form swallowing the chair

“I have her here, well concealed as always,”

as I spoke I pulled out my baby

metal custom-made for a Seeker

“She’ll do just fine,” he smirks-

-This one is long for not getting much across… but it is for setting up the feel for the story… please, bash it to bits. I want to make this one good and I can only do that if I learn how to do it right.

Blessed Be in Gun-Play, Siren

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  1. Ah, gun play. You know me and my sister, right, and I'm not talking about my beautiful little Artemis, whom you've met on occassion. I'm talking about...well...you know her, and her gun.

    No, this isn't boring me. It takes off a little slower than "Trial of Sight," but the theme is completely different, modern day, slowing it down. By the way, I love how you always manage to come up with brilliant names for poetic heroines. Charlotte, that's classy, haven't heard it in a while.

    And what the h**l's a Seeker.


  2. yes! Chandler! absolutely scene setting..

  3. “Miss Charlotte” - the name kind of lost me - right out of the gate. My visual is Gone With the Wind.  That name will always shove me there - sorry ♥

  4. Okay all of my previous comments in #1 hold true. Use what works ignore the rest. Here goes:

    (And by the way, Great title. It really is nice).

    “Miss Charlotte,” Ogre's voice cold

    stone grating my nerves like soft cheese

    glancing at his four karat watch

    I like voice as cold stone. but I think you want to insert a line break to give the layering so the voice is first cold and than the reader sees cold stone. The layering is what makes for interesting connections. Instead of soft cheese maybe a specific type of cheese...specific is better than general. I'll leave it up to you if you want to go that way. A couple other minor cuts and rearrangments.

    “Late as usual,” knowing me all too well

    “Sorry,” my reply short and hollow

    “We hoped you would bring your friend”

    His form swallowing the chair

    “I have her here, well concealed as always,”

    I pulled out my baby

    metal custom-made for a Seeker

    “She’ll do just fine,” he smirks-

    A few minor suggestions above.

  5. BULL'S EYE.

    For some inexplicable reason I failed to notice line 2 on my first reading. I detect the presence of a highly questionable, if not totally undesirable, influence in your style.

    Do the words "short" and "hollow" refer to the gun and the bullet?

    Judging from other comments, I see that there are hidden references to people and things unknown to me. However I can enjoy an inside joke only if I'm on the inside.

    I suggested this approach for part two before I realized that it was a part two. I am glad to see that you followed my advice before I gave it. If you could do that with everything from now on, it would save me a lot of work.

  6. its a good plan so far!

    and i think Miss Charlotte is a good name.

    its a tough one.

  7. No, I was hooked after I read the first line, although I was expecting to be bored :)

  8. Kind of....but it has potential.

  9. This is extremely visual and detailed and not in the least boring.  You have my undivided interest now.  What can a "Seeker" be?  A seeker of truth? Of justice?  Of vengeance?  I am so curious. Thank you.

  10. i wish i had that gun, i think i dont have to explain what i'll do with it. but if i had to commit suicide somwhere right now, it would probably be infront of my computer screeen, on yahoo answers under arts & Humanities in the poetry categorie, after clicking on a link that read: is this boring? that lead to an incredibly............................i just killed myself, are you happy now?
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