Is this harmless or am I over reacting?

Question

My husband is texting his good friend (which by the way is a women) all the time. We live 9 hours away from her so I know he is not having an affair. I told him about how much it bothers me he told me that they are just friends. He says he comes home to me every night don't that mean something. So should I just let it go.

Answer 1

Him coming home to you every night doesn't mean anything.  He lives there.  Where else is he going to go?

Him texting another woman and talking to her about things he should and could be sharing with you is another story.  

Ok so they live to far from each other to have an affair , but what if they didn't?   Would they?  That should be the question you ask yourself.

Because one day they may want to  meet up and see where it goes.  9 hours is not that far away.  

Sorry I would not put up with it or let it go.  He would be given a choice . Her or me !  Its that simple.  No arguing or getting all emotional.  

Best of luck.  

Answer 2

it would depend upon what was contained in the text msgs.  if it's just on the friendship tip, i wouldn't worry about it.  was he friends with this woman before you got married/engaged?  if so, you really can't say much about it, as he has a right to be friends with her.  plus, she lives 9 hours away, so she isn't much of a physical threat.  is this really worth starting trouble over?  think about that.

Answer 3

Its inappropriate for spouses to be texting people (especially of the opposite s*x) all the time. Just because she lives 9 hours away doesnt mean anything. She could be coming to him... Tell him it bothers you, and put an end to it.

Answer 4

If he loves and respects you and says you have nothing to worry about, then try not to worry.. men can be kinda stupid.. often times the women have motives and when ur guy figures this out, I'm sure he will set her strait.. I just went through the same thing.. he thought it was just friendly.. then one day he came home, told me I was right and that he told her she needed to back off..

it's not worth getting worked up about.. it wont help, just let it play out.. and tell him you TRUST him.  

Answer 5

As soon as he doesn't see you,delete her number on his mobile phone.

Answer 6

i dunno, if he cared about what you felt or that it hurt you he would stop, obviously it doesnt.  What does that tell you????  

Answer 7

I don't believe that you're overreacting.  My husband and I believe that it's inappropriate to foster friendships with members of the opposite s*x when you're married.  There is no reason for it -- all it can lead to is jealousy, insecurity, temptation, and disrespect for your spouse.  Your spouse should be your only confidant - there's no reason for him to be close to another woman.

It sounds to me like you already made an attempt to tell him how you feel about it and he didn't respect your feelings.  Maybe you should attempt again, but on a more serious note?  Tell him how uncomfortable it makes you when he texts this other woman.  Tell him that you're not concerned about him having an affair, but you just feel it's inappropriate for him to be doing this.  He needs to decide what's more important to him -- his wife's feelings and comfort level, or remaining friends with this woman.  If he happens to choose that remaining friends with this woman is more important to him, then YOU need to choose what's more important to you -- living your life in an uncomfortable marriage with someone who clearly doesn't respect your wishes and feelings so that you can stay married, or leaving him and finding someone who will give your feelings the respect they deserve.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Well, I only talk with my BFF about 3x a week. We have been friends for 20 years! I really don't see a reason that he should be texting her so much.

Answer 9

There is no reason for a man and a woman to be friends.  In fact I think friendships of the opposite (and hetero) s*x are not pure.  Somebody is always waiting for the green light.  Think about it- if you have or ever had a male friend, wouldn't he sleep with you at the drop of a dime if you gave him the go ahead?

Answer 10

Is it going to bother you if he gets upset the next time you talk with a male friend, at work or on the street?

Grow up and wait for something to really happen before you get jealous. It is miserable to live without the trust of the one you love.

Answer 11

First off, if it is making you uncomfortable, he should at the very least limit the amount.  But why are you uncomfortable with it?  Do you know what they are talking about?  If they are having casual friend convos then I wouldn't let it bother me.  Now if they are crossing the line and talking sexually or flirting, I would be a little upset to say the least. Does he seem more withdrawn from you since he started texting her?  If he is talking more to her than you, then yes-you have reason to be upset.  But if not, then why let it bother you?  I have a couple of guy friends from high school and college that I still talk to and usually only do it over text because it is a way to say hi and catch up without really having to interrupt my day or what i am doing.  All we talk about during texting convos is how we are doing, a funny story may be told, and we talk about our relationships.  They come to me when they need advice about their relationship or about some family issue.  Or I may go to them when I need that "man's point of view".  

All in all though, you told him that it bothers you.  While this girl may be a good friend, he should put you first.  These convos may very well be completely harmless, but you are uncomfortable with it.  He should at the very least try to include you in on it, let you see what they are talking about, or minimize/stop the texting altogether.  He should show you that respect since it does bother you, even if he doesn't really understand why it does.  Try explaining to him with him in your place.  How would he feel if you were texting a "good friend" that was a guy constantly and he wasn't part of the conversation or didn't know what you were talking about with him?  That would bother him and dont let him tell you different.  

Answer 12

Ask him to let you read the text messages, if he balks and refuses you have reason to worry.  

Another thing you could do is call her and become friends with her too, maybe once you get to know her she will seem to be less of a threat to your marriage.  If you do this and she balks about talking to you or is surprised you exist, then you have reason to worry.  

Answer 13

I can sympathise with you as i have been in similar situation as my hubby worked with mainly females. And often he would text them as friends. I did not like it as i do not have male friends that I texted.

You say he is texting her all the time? How often is all the time?

I know this is a nasty thing to do but I would try and get hold of his mobile to see what's said in these texts and then accidentally on purpose dispose of the mobile!

Answer 14

All the time?  That is the red flag, not the texting in itself.  My opinion is that the friendship should not be that close to have such frequent contact.  Maybe a phone call every blue moon, or you all get together if she is in town or something.  Continue to let him know you're uncomfortable with this.  He should respect your wishes as your husband.  It really sounds like you are reasonable and not just jealous.

Answer 15

It depends on what they are texting.  If he knows it bothers you then he really should stop - or only text once in a while.  

Answer 16

If he is not trying to hide it from you then I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Although I'm sure it bothers you think of how much worse it would be if he wasn't telling you about it.

Answer 17

Bottom line is, he is having a cyber affair. There are emotions involved, trust me. He, if he hasn't already, is working on getting together with her, innocently. They have talked about the idea, innocently...just friends. If he were not hiding anything then he would be including you and doing it openly.

Answer 18

tough call

but try and switch it around,

would he (has he) ever told you to stop talking to a guy friend?

Answer 19

I'm going thru the same thing - thankfully she moved away, but is coming back next weekend and wanted to get together. If he is hiding the texts from you or not sharing the content it is much worse, but should stop now if you don't feel comfortable with it. I certainly didn't let it go, and just had posted a question as to whether or not to ask if they were still in contact since the texting and calling had stopped ... and they still are in contact, tho his answer was "don't hear much" ... so wonder how often "not much" is ... still want to get that answer, but don't want to keep picking at the wound.  

Answer 20

If he knows that it bothers you, he should stop.

Answer 21

My husband has one female friend of which is married too - but, they are very religious -  that is mostly what they talk about, and maybe they talk once a week or less.  The ONLY reason I tolerate this is:  she is VERY married, I know her husband, he and my husband are friends, AND the husband knows his wife and my husband are friends. ALSO - I know this lady, know her intentions, trust her completely, and could be her friend too even though we are VERY different personalities. I choose not to be her close friend, because I know some things about her would drive me nuts.  

IF I did not know this person my husband was talking to, or he was talking to them more than me, I would not tolerate it.  I would say "If this person cannot be friends with me too, then I cannot trust their intentions because I know nothing about them."  I need to know them myself, or forget it. Hubby can tell you anything - but, how often is he totally accurate when judging anyone?