Is this like a sonnet?

Question

I don't think I'm finished with it yet, in fact it might turn into several poems. I just want to be sure I'm on the right track.

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The young soldier "rests" on enemy sand

the job to be done unmistakable

gazing across this God forsaken land

his longing for home undeniable

Protect innocent lives from terrorists

not ever knowing who is friend or foe

among the innocent walk extremists

constant question "Is it my turn to go?"

Clearing his mind, takes out pen and paper

encouraging words like "I'll be home soon.

Sure miss the smell of Mama's breadmaker."

Ignoring the nag of impending doom.

Selflessly serving the Red, White and Blue

Remember, Marines were once children too.

Answer 1

Thank you. I'm sure I would go into some long dialogue about sonnet form, of which I really know nothing, but my mind is shot. I can only thank you for remembering those overseas, and those still with us. I hope your son is able to stay safe throughout this cruel war. You're on the right track with this one...thank you.

Answer 2

I can't add anymore, than what has already been stated, i just wanted to add my voice to say what a lovely piece this is.

Answer 3

Iambic pentameter? Dondi would be best to advise you but I don't think you are hitting it on all lines.  Elaine's advice is sound, just turn it into a rhyming poem if you like of 3, four lines stanzas with the refrain.  This would then free you from a strict count and structure to help flow more where needed.  An example on S2L1, you could say this instead for flow now: "Protecting innocents from terroists."  Keep at this, this has merit and much that is already there.

Answer 4

This IS a great sonnet. Nice work. Needs some fine-tuning, but nothing major. Very touching.

Answer 5

It is awesome but, I don't know what a sonnet is. I know what a bonnet is though...........lol I'm being bad this morning.

Answer 6

i don't think there is a problem with the iambic pentameter at all, but i haven't studied it in awhile. Shakespeare wrote his sonnets to the sound of his heart, each line beginning on an downbeat and ending on an upbeat. this is how i read it and it matches up. as far as the content, amazing! especially now, this type of poem is popular. don't revise too much before you consider it complete, because it is great now. you should enter it into some contests. winningwriters.com has a list of online contests to avoid (mainly poetry.com!). contests like these claim any poem to be a semi-finalist, and they publish your poem into a bunch of anthologies. some contests and publishers won't accept poems that have been published in such anthologies.

Answer 7

This is a very beautiful and touching poem. We could call it a Reenet (a Reenie Sonnet!)

Answer 8

Reenie, you don't need to "turn this" into anything else. It is its own poem. If you want it to rhyme like a sonnet or to resemble the sonnet's form, that's fine. But you have your own, unique style.  Let it flow and forget about Shakespeare.

Answer 9

Very touching. Neon is right, though. Your iambs are a little wobbly is spots.

It must go: de DUM de DUM de DUM de DUM de DUM.

"I'd like a can of peas for dinner please..."

Answer 10

My dear Reenie,

Never having been an expert on poetry, I can only get what verdict I give from other sources. A Sonnet, according to the dictionary is "A verse form consisting of 14 lines with a fixed rhyme scheme". Looking at Wordsworth's Sonnets, they all consist of one stanza.

I get a deep impression that S1,3, and the final are the poet speaking, while S2 is the soldier speaking. If this is so then perhaps " " are called for, though far be it for me to be judgmental.

As a poem I believe you have done extremely well.

Robert

Answer 11

A wonderful tribute. You have Reenie-fied the sonnet form.

Congrats on having your son back home! I hope he is ok and is readjusting slowly back into home life, without that minute-by-minute tension of the battlefront.