Is this normal? Adoption question about birth mom..........?

Question

I am in the process of adopting my step-children. Their bio mom has now moved back and lives in the same very small town we do. She threw a fit when she found out we were going to terminate her rights, but now she totally ignores the kids. It is infuriating to me that she will walk right past them in Wal-mart and not even acknowledge them. Is that NORMAL? Why did she start to fight the adoption(she consented when she found out it would do away with her paying support)? I don't understand, and it hurts me to see my kids hurt this way! I really don't want her to talk to them, but I would NEVER say that to her. We even did an open adoption, but she has to pass drug tests to see the kids(she has never wanted to). Yesterday she was in the same room with my son for 15 minutes, and ignored him totally. He has not seen her in over three years, and due to drugs, she looks quite different, but he asked me later if it was her. I was SO tempted to lie! Anyone else experience this?

Answer 1

I think she is feeling guilty for being a poor mother. It was great to get rid of the responsibility to pay but now she has to consent to let someone else raise her children even though that has already been happening. I say protect the children as much as she can. Make them understand she is the one with the problems not them. I am not adopted but my folks are divorced and when my father would see me and my mother together, he would ignore us and even leave the store if he was shopping. My 1/2 sister never understood this and I can't say I do either. But my Mom was great in that it was his loss and she never rag on him. Just say what a sad man to walk away like that, doesn't know what he is missing. And at the last reunion, I think it started to come home. He had 3 of his 4 kids there and none of us (or our children) were around him. We were not rude or anything but we hung out with the aunts and uncles and cousins that we had built relationships with

Answer 2

I haven't experienced the same thing, but I was adopted by my mothers second husband and never looked back.  I did meet the other side of the family after my real father passed away tho and felt like I missed out on so much of my heritage.  I would suggest moving away from that town for the sake of the children.  They don't deserve to go through seeing her.  Kudos to you for being a good mother and loving unconditionally.  Good luck.

Answer 3

I can't say if this is normal, but it is kinda the same thing that we are going through.. our sons mom wanted to be a part of his life after the adoption, but since then has not even tyed to be a part of it. She also has issues with drugs, remeber how much a drug can affect someone.. they are a total differnet person when they are using. Also she may be trying to accept the fact that they are no longer "her children" she has alot of grief to deal with... sometimes its eaiser to avoid the  the grief { which it sounds like shes doing} then to face it head on...You will get through this .. just keep your head up. And remeber to talk postive{ as much as possiable} about her to your children.. talking negativly about her will only make things harder.

Answer 4

My only comment would be to ask you to READ once again what the Social Worker has explained .  If you ever feel like getting counseling / I would do so.

Answer 5

You've had some good answers here, some not so good.

Your best answer by far is from Joslin, with one exception.

You have left out a key piece of information here---how old are the kids? All of the things she told you to say to them were spot-on, except the one sentence about drugs. If possible, refrain from using the words "Drugs" and "alcohol." That is negative. All those other sentences she suggested were spot-on perfect, and I would suggest that you memorize each one of them, and use them.

Whether you should move or not is up to you and your husband. Someone suggested that, and that was not too cool. I'd just take Joslin's advice to heart and run with it---and don't bring the subject up with the kids at all, except when they ask questions about it. They'll be ok---e-me if you like---all the best, Brian

Answer 6

I came from a closed adoption, but if I had to guess at her motivation:

She had been wavering back and forth in interest over her kids b/c they were hers.  When they were no longer hers she ended up being the cat teased by the string.

Since then by being on drugs she has been in a haze unable to properly organize her plans, priorities or thoughts.

Telling him that she was sick would be pretty close.

Answer 7

I'm sure she is terribly guilty, there are reasons that her rights have been terminated. Explain to the children that their mother has problems and you are sure she loves them. Hopefully she will come around and figure out that what she has done is detrimental to her children, or she could just be an uncaring b***h.

Answer 8

The best thing you can say to your kids is that drugs changes people to become very selfish. Some never recover even if they are no longer on drugs.  It's unfortunate that she moved back to the same small town, but the kids will just have to deal with it.

Answer 9

Your job, as mother to these children, is to always be neutral and compassionate toward their birthmother.  She has mental health and/or chemical dependency issues, and as such, needs understanding that she is not CAPABLE (key word here!) of parenting.  She has to exert so much energy to survive, because her skills are so limited in this area, that there is nothing left over for anyone else, not even her children.  She may be this way forever, or worse, or she may get clean and sober, mental health counseling and therapy, and get better.  

But in any case, it is VITAL that the children see only one thing coming from you and their father:  Compassion.

The children, like it or not, are part of her.  When you criticize her, put her down, make negative comments, roll your eyes, or whatever it is, it is about THEM.  This is the biggest mistake anyone makes with children/stepchildren.  Some people think, to put down the wayward parent shows love for the child.  Wrong!!

You children will, if they have not already, begin to align themselves on some level with their birthmother.  This is totally natural.  And if you see their mother as "mean", "a sicko", "crazy", "stupid", "unfit", "a loser", etc., then this will be the way the children begin to see themselves.

You must shift your vocabulary and your attitude. It may not effect at all your actions, because encouraging a relationship with her, forcing them to see her, etc. is not in their best interest!  But the way you see her is.

Try comments like the following when stuck about what to say, or how to answer their questions:

"She is just not able to take care of children (not them specifically)."

"She is having a hard time caring for herself right now."

"She has struggles she has to deal with before she can see you."

"She is hurt, even though she may act like she isn't."

"She has a hard time with life.  Maybe one day she will get better."

"Drugs and alcohol can make a person forget about what's important in their lives."

"It's not that she doesn't love you.  She doesn't know how."

"She doesn't even know how to love herself."

"Drugs and alcohol can make it so hard for a mother to be a mother."

"We will just have to have compassion for her."

"I hope that one day she is healthier, for her sake."

But then reassure them, that no matter what, you will be there for them.  You will do all the things their mother would want to do, if she was healthy.  You will always take care of them and love them.

There is nothing normal about an addicts behavior.  This disease is wicked, and likely she has some mental health issues on top of that.  It has a firm grip on her, and she has made some tragic choices in her life.  You can't really understand her behavior unless you understand her illnesses.  Accept it as that, and move forward.  Unless you move, you will continue to run into her.  Set the tone by having a talk with the children about their birthmom.  Give them ideas for how to handle these times when they may see her. Ask them how they want to handle it when it happens again.  Give them a chance to practice with you, so they feel prepared.

Good luck!

Answer 10

If her rights have been terminated then there is no need for her to see those kids. She chose what was more important and that was drugs. I would avoid this woman like the plague. The only person who is really suffering is your son(since your daughter doesnt remember her). His welfare should be whats most important.

Answer 11

my thoughts is that she has now gotten over the shock of finding out that she was going to have her rights taken off her and she is excepting that your going to take the kids into your home.

now she is trying to deal with things the best way she can while it is hard for your son, she is doing the best thing for herself, while i have not seen this in adoption before it is something i have seen in family's before when they think that one of them is going to die and they cut them self from  the person all together and when things don't go the way they thought it would they can not get back to the way before things and they think it is better off that they had died.

so i would try and keep things going as normal for your son's sake and just let him know that he is loved and wonted by you and his dad. but he might need help in dealing with things for a little while so maybe think bought counseling for him and if the girl shows signs of having trouble then get her into it too

Answer 12

well

your adopted soo....

nobody loves you

Answer 13

Wait...you terminated her rights and now are mad that she respects that court order?

I'm confused...