Is this poem any good? please critique?

Question

Your sitting there

all perfect clean

but deep inside

i know your mean

sitting there on your high horse

you think your holier than thou

but i have to break it to you *****

that modesty needs to be found

and when you fall down

and you will crash

you will find

my latest passion

in seeing you crushed

like you had crushed my heart

dont even play

dont even start

you smahed my soul to smithereens

and now i find joy in retaliation

and it is my obligation

to make sure you pay

for every night that was

stained with tears

you confirmed

my worst fears

and thus begins

my right revenge

your punishment

is you lose your friend

Answer 1

My advice to anyone who wants to write poetry is to READ a lot of poetry as well. That will give you the idea of how some of the greats create a feeling and atmosphere.

Also: remember a poem does not have to rhyme. The best ones  don't.

When you write, just put the first word that comes to mind. Often your word choice will be more powerful than one you looked up in a rhyming dictionary. It may not have the same impact you're going for.

Answer 2

it's pretty good. the beginning is better than the end however.

Answer 3

Your poem was just a delight, keep up the good work, you managed to get your emotions across very well!! Cheers !!!

Answer 4

I really like that, it's sad, but an excellent poem.

Answer 5

I like how you start of the poem, but i think you should use more symbolism, for example instead of saying :

Your sitting there

all perfect clean

but deep inside

i know your mean

you should say something like:

In your clean, white, sinless shirt you sit

or so you think

but underneath your perfectly stitched white shirt

lies all the devilish imperfections

that are visible to one witness

Me.

instead of putting:

you smahed my soul to smithereens

and now i find joy in retaliation

and it is my obligation

to make sure you pay

for every night that was

stained with tears

you confirmed

my worst fears

write somthing like:

with one look you incinerated (burned) my soul

But i too can retaliate

with one look i will always haunt your tortured soul till the day you die

till your you're eyes dry

and with each tear that drops fills you with pain and agony

my pain.

my h**l.

work on the ending too.

But look your ideas are great, now you just have to get in touch with your creative side, and you'll do awesome.

and make it your own, you shouldn't have to use mine.

REMEMBER:   PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT!!!!!

you can do it.  Just keep a journal of all your poems and write about anything and everything that inspires you.

here are somethings that might help you when writing poetry.

use similes: (using as or like)  he is like a bear, he is as strong as a bear.

metaphors:(like similes but without the as or like) he is a bear

personification: (making a non-living thing living).  the wind inhaled. (Example)

symbolism: ( a symbol that represents something.)  white shirt= innocence.

(i don't know what grade your in so you may already know this stuff)

good luck!

Answer 6

Good, don't ever stop being creative.

Answer 7

looks like more of a song lyric rather than a poem. but it's good, to tell you honestly. just change some words into serious ones. "smithereens", anyone? :D

Answer 8

I like it alot Good job!

Answer 9

I really like it! wait no i dont i LOVE it! haha! i wish i could write like that! check out my questions! this is so good and i can really feel the sadness and emotion i love it. dont stop writing!

Answer 10

This is bloody fantastic! You have a rare talent. Oh my, this is just so evocative!

Answer 11

Your sitting there

all perfect clean

but deep inside

i know your mean

sitting there on your high horse

you think your holier than thou

but i have to break it to you *****

that modesty needs to be found

really liked those two at first i thought your were going with the popular girls who are real B****'s but the rest was really Fawsome too.

Answer 12

Its good. I can tell you thought about what you had to write. This is a free verse poem but in some sections it gets a little jumbled. I enjoyed it.

And sorry about your younger years

Answer 13

p**s-poor if you ask me.

Answer 14

I'm sorry Sarah but I think it needs a lot of work. The only good part of it was the beginning but your spelling needs corrected, it's "you're" and it should have said "all perfectly clean". Keep trying, you started on the right track but went down hill from there. Try again.

Answer 15

its good in the beginning your telling that you can notice there cruelty but twords the end it just gets awful!

Answer 16

...you really, really need to work on this. The theme is nice, but your language butchered a good thing.

Things like 'your' and 'you're'; horrible sentence structure like 'is you lose your friend.' Please, revise this and make something more of the good idea you had.

Spelling and grammar are your friends. Learn them, they'll serve you well. ^^

Answer 17

i like it. i do

Answer 18

It's generally not a great idea to use slang terms such as "smithereens" in serious poetry. Also, if you're going to use a rhyming sequence, make sure you stick with it all the way throughout the poem, rather than "here and there". I didn't enjoy the poem and I didn't find it interesting.