Is this poem awkward?

Question

"Oracular" - pleiades

On top of the world, sword

outstretched, awaiting the

offering that does not

offset the harlot world's

obscene practices. Earth's

outrage burns. Gaia's wrath

overcomes man's efforts

Answer 1

No.

Answer 2

Not at all. As a matter of fact I found it opulent!! Allow me to explain...

Opulence

One moment

One kindness

One touch

One sensation

One temptation

One desire

One love

Much love always,

Temari

Answer 3

I am intrigued that you spelled Gaia the Greek way here, but the Latin way in `Flickering Song.'  I too felt the awkwardness Sptfyr noted for my first reading: it is due to the modest paradox, `awaiting/ the offering that does not/ offset...'  So far as most of my favourite poems require memorisation and luck to comprehend, two readings does not bother me much.

Technically, the first sentence is a prepositional phrase; I personally prefer the technically equally comprehensible reading where the first period is a comma.  

The ending sounds like a stiff Japanese moral; I like this contrast.  `Burns' is suitably subtle, and I enjoy the silent demurral here from `sword.'  Overall, this is a disconnected poem, but like Osiris, it achieves unity in its dispersal.

Answer 4

In all honesty, it was a tad bit awkward to read the first time around.  However, the second reading was much smoother and not awkward at all.  I suspect the awkwardness was all me.  Great poem...I love poems about Earth and the Earth Mother.

Answer 5

It's time for you to give up the "who, little ol' me?" shtick. This is just one more burnished gem, glittering in your diadem. btw, I'd like some clarification and amplification regarding those "obscene practices." Were they the reason that you are always missing your periods?

Answer 6

um yes..maybe I would have to hear it out loud

Answer 7

yeah, it doesn't flow