Is this poem i wrote for my gf good? should i give it too her?

Question

Ive stolen countless breaths

from this world i am living in

this journey I'm on

i did not consent too

and i have not embraced

or even bothered to taste

the sweet aroma of meaning

i stumbled upon her accidentally

i was not in search of her

i was in search of myself

but everything changed

when i looked into her eyes

elusive and transparent

i could see the depths of her heart

and for a split second

i forgot to breath

and at the same time as hers'

my heart skipped a beat

her beauty was overwhelming

instantaneous love out of a dream

an angel had lifted me off of my feet

words can't do justice to the beauty i saw

her beauty and grace left my heart in awe

her lips were soft and her voice was sweet

her fingers trembled when they first touched me

our eyes met and i heard her speak

i listened to her and my heart is renewed

god granted me what i was praying for

in the chamber of life she unlocked the door

today was the day I've been waiting for

my search for meaning in life is now no more

Trevor

Answer 1

wow. this is amazing. i say that instead of giving it to her, you should read it to her. it sounds more romantic if she hears you say it

Answer 2

Lovely!

Answer 3

Beautiful!

Answer 4

I really like this poem, and I think you're a wonderfully thoughtful boyfriend to have written a poem to her. Rest assured that she'll absolutely love it.

If you don't mind, I have a bit of critique.

The line [I forgot to breath] - should be [I forgot to breathe]?

The line [And at the same time as hers'] - should be [And at the same time as hers] with no apostrophe.

The line [I listened to her and my heart is renewed] should be [I listened to her, and my heart was renewed].

The line [Today was the day I've been waiting for] should be [Today is the day I've been waiting for].

I would also suggest the separation of this poem into stanzas, to make it easier to read.

The following lines  should be the first lines of new, separate stanzas:

'I stumbled upon her accidentally' - first line of second stanza.

'Elusive and transparent' - first line of third stanza.

'Her beauty was overwhelming' - first line of fourth stanza.

'My search for meaning in life is now no more' - only line of fifth stanza.

I also think that it would be beneficial for you to rethink the pattern of rhyme in the poem - I find it to be a tad inconsistent. Either have a consistent rhyming pattern, or none at all, otherwise it comes across as unpolished.

With that being said, I would like to congratulate you on a wonderful poem. The description, metaphors and raw honesty makes it out of this world.  It obviously displays how much you love your girlfriend, and your huge heart.

I hope I have been of help.

Answer 5

I think I am having deja vu. Or maybe the chimpanzees have a stutter.

Answer 6

wow, that is really good. i would say give it to her.

unless you guys just started going out, then don't give it to her... it would creep her out and overwhelm her.

but if you have been dating for awhile, definitely go ahead and give it to her. it's wonderful and very deep.

Answer 7

In my opinion, a love poem can never go wrong!!  Its sweetly romantic to have written a poem for her!  If I were her, I would swoon upon receiving it.  From a female perspective- it means the world when your guy just writes you a note, but a poem is a thing of romantic dreams!

Answer 8

...she will love you for ever...

Answer 9

what a sweet boyfriend!

that poem is soo good!! you should definetly give it to her.

lucky girl :)

Answer 10

Thats so good. You sound like such a good boyfriend. Your girlfriend is very lucky...I say give it to her for sure!

Good job

Answer 11

Yeah.....She will totally love loving you.