Is this "losing" a child?

Question

In my opinion, losing a child is when, though no fault of your own, your child has been taken away. You can only lose a child if your child dies or is kidnapped. As a parent who has had a child on the brink of death (thank the lord he didn't go over) I get really offended when mothers who consciously relinquished thier children claim they "lost" them.

I had a child I was trying to adopt (yes her "first mother" truly did abandon her). This child almost died from cancer (would have if I hadn't gotten involved). After her father left (before I had been able to adopt her) I had to "relinquish" her to her grandparents for her own good. I know both kinds of pain. I'm not saying relinquishing doesn't hurt (Personally I cried for two weeks strait except when I was too dehydrated), but they are not both LOSING a child. One was death trying to steal her, the other I chose.

Is anyone else bothered by this, or am I being just as prickly as those who hate the term "birth mom"?

Answer 1

given the choices, I vote prickly.

Answer 2

Yes, I am bothered by this and no, you are not being "prickly". I understand completely. I refuse to tell my story in here but I know exactly what you are talking about. If you'd like to email me, please feel free to.

KidMindi, that is so sad and horrible what happened to your friend. My heart and prayers go out to her. I hope her ex gets back what he's caused tenfold.

eta: "even a self-chosen loss is a loss", LOL , right back at you, shoes. What you feel is guilt. That's an emotion.

Answer 3

but in both cases you still feel the huge loss.she is not there with you .

Answer 4

Nah.  You can't say you 'lost' a child if you gave them up.  Hello, women haven't had babies stolen off them for years and years now, this 'coercion' bull is just that-bull.

Answer 5

Even if it was a choice, but it's still a loss.  A good number of first moms and dads experience those feelings of loss, so it does fit at least one of the definitions of lost.  It's just a different kind of loss than the type that is completely out of one's hands.

Answer 6

No, you are not being prickly. That's an interesting perspective that I never thought about. Thanks for your question.

Answer 7

Wow- very eloquent, I'm so glad you asked this question.  The way you put it with the $1000 is PERFECT.  I gave a baby up for adoption (I think relinquished is also not the right term, as it makes me think someone involved is a victim) and I did indeed feel a loss, but she was not taken from me.  I, too, have been bothered by the people here using that term.

Answer 8

I think you have a fair point so no I dont think you are being prickly at all. There is a massive difference between loosing a child to death and a child being taken away for adoption.

I personally belive (without any disrespect to birthmums) There was obviously a perfectly good reason for the birth mother not to have the child stay with her. I am not saying the whole stereotype druggy thing, I mean life choices. The birth mothers must have made life choices in order for that adoption to go ahead. I cant decide weather I would say they were brave, but then again I thank mine for gettin rid of me, I am in a much better place now.

Answer 9

I admire your courage.

-I would not, however, advise that you presume to know the lives of every woman who has relinquished her rights.  It may have been the bravest and hardest decision she's ever had to face.  -You should use your experiences to be able to relate and sympathise, not judge.

Answer 10

Ditto Sunny and Heather.

So basically... you are dictating to other moms which defintion of "lose" they should mean when they use the term?

I lost my child. She is gone. Not lost as in, "Oops, where'd she go?" but lost as in... she used to be here, and now she's not.

Why is it okay to use the term for other situations ("lost my job, lost my father to cancer, lost my house") but not for our children?

Again: I lost my child. She used to be here, now she's gone; and yes, she is permanently gone--the person she would have been, had I parented, is permanently gone. She is a different person now.

Answer 11

Once upon a time I strived to be the poster child of birthmothers and that phrase did indeed bother me a lot.  Now I'm one of *those* birthmothers and the phrase doesn't bother me at all.

So that being said, let's turn to the handy dandy dictionary for the definition of lost:

lost (lôst, lŏst) pronunciation

v.

Past tense and past participle of lose.

adj.

   1. Unable to find one's way: a lost child.

   2.

         a. No longer in the possession, care, or control of someone or something: a lost pen.

         b. No longer in existence; vanished or spent: lost youth.

         c. No longer known or practiced: a lost art.

         d. Beyond reach, communication, or influence: The expedition was lost to the world for two months.

   3. Not used to one's benefit or advantage: a lost opportunity.

   4. Having not been or unlikely to be won; unsuccessful: a lost battle; a lost cause.

   5. Beyond recovery or redemption; fallen or destroyed: a lost soul.

   6.

         a. Completely involved or absorbed; rapt: lost in thought.

         b. Bewildered or confused: I'm lost—can you start over?

For me, I lost my son to adoption.  Number 2a, 2d, 3, 4 and possibly 5 are appropriate descriptions of my loss.  Even a self-chosen loss is still a loss.

Edit to add:

I thought about this question more and realized that there isn't the same drama when referencing the same phrase in sports or game play.  I hate comparing losing one's child to something as trivial as playing marbles, but when I was in elementary school I took my marbles to school and traded them with the boys that had been playing the game for quite some time.  By the end of the day, I had a small handful of crappy marbles that had dings in them instead of the big bag of good marbles I went to school with, but when offered in the way they were the marbles I traded for looked like a good deal.  At the end of the day, I had lost my marbles.  (lol at that phrase by the way.)

The same goes for when I walked in the lawyers office to start the process of relinquishing my child.  I took what looked to be an excellent trade.  My son would have a good home, while I could move on with my life as planned.  Once I had a chance to really look at what I did, I realized I lost my son in the same way I lost my marbles.

Also noodles... guilt, shame, anger, gratitude, joy, acceptance, denial, etc... they are all part of the grief cycle of loss.  Thanks for pointing out just one of my many emotions that I have from the loss of my son.

Answer 12

Ditto what Heather said.  Open your mind to other possibilities.

Answer 13

Here is a situation where I feel kids were really "lost".

About 4 years ago a close friend of mine was on the verge of a breakdown. She was suffering from major depression and was seriously considering suicide.

She left her 2 children in the care of her husband (he was their step father) so she could go visit her mother for awhile and try to get over her depression.

While she was gone, her husband decided he wanted to be with someone else and took her children to the home of one of her relatives and said she had abandoned them.

The relatives and the husband went to court and the husband swore he didn't know where she was (this was completly false) and that she had said she was never coming back (again completly untrue).

The judge awarded permanent custody to the relatives. The mother never even knew it went to court. When she would call her husband, he would either not answer the phone or claim the kids were with friends, until he moved and had the phone disconnected.

When this happened, my friend came back (she had been a few states away) and found everything gone.  When she finally found where her children were, the relatives would not let her even speak to them on the phone.

Four years has passed and she has not seen nor spoken to her children. She has been told she can go to court and get visitation, however she hasn't the money for a lawyer. Due to the fact that her children are now teenagers and from what she has heard they have been turned against her, getting custody would be near impossible.

She still feels the loss of these children greatly. She is saving money for a lawyer to at least get into counseling with them and to get some visitation. Her mother is on fixed income and cannot help her at all. After she pays her living expenses every week, whatever is left (not much) is put into savings.

What a coincidence that I am answering this question today. I just got off the phone with her (it's 4 am here). Today is her son's birthday and she can't sleep.

She feels she "lost" her children. She feels she was betrayed by her husband and relatives. She was at her lowest point ever and they took advantage of that.  She would never have given her children up. She was not an abusive or neglectful mom.  In fact she went away so she could get herself together and become a better mom.

Answer 14

I used to think the same way as you but I read "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler and it really opened my eyes and changed my attitude

I think a woman has the right to define her own experiences anyways

Answer 15

Many of the women of the past did lose their children to adoption.  They had no choice.  They were forced by family, society, and their boyfriends to give their children up for adoption.  The women of the past did not have any choice.  So many of these women lost their children to adoption.

Answer 16

Well since my son's adoption was forced on me with no chance for choice I do feel I am able to say he was lost to me.

Let's do a check list shall we?

Here is how Webster defines "lost"

1: not made use of, won, or claimed

I was no longer allowed to lay any claim to the child I had raised and wished to continue raising.

2 a: no longer possessed b: no longer known

Yup, I most definitely do not posses or know him any more.

3: ruined or destroyed physically or morally : desperate

Well I for one am destroyed and ruined. Desperate is the perfect word to describe how it felt, and still does feel. I'll get back to you, in 5 years, about how it made him feel all this time.

4 a: taken away or beyond reach or attainment : denied <regions lost to the faith> b: insensible hardened <lost to shame>

Again, yup. He is way beyond my attainment. We are denied to each other and I am about as hardened as a person can get.

5 a: unable to find the way b: no longer visible c: lacking assurance or self-confidence : helpless

Check! I've spent the better part of 10 years unable to find my way, without him being visible, stripped of my self confidence and helpless. Again, in 5 years I will fill you in on his feelings.

6: rapt absorbed <lost in reverie>

This has certainly absorbed me raptly.

7: not appreciated or understood : wasted <their jokes were lost on me>

Well DUH! Does it really appear that I am appreciated or understood? Your question proves I am not.

8: obscured or overlooked during a process or activity <lost in translation>

*nods head* I was obscured and overlooked as his mother during the process of him being lost to me.

9: hopelessly unattainable : futile <a lost cause>

Futility is the only way to describe any and all of my attempts to keep my family together.