Is this really Emotional Abuse? How can I break the cycle?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and during that time several of my friends have made remarks to the effect of "This sounds like an abusive relationship"... I always dismissed this as I've never really been aware of what constitutes emotional abuse.

After another recent upset phone call to my best friend she forwarded me a link to a website about emotional/psychological abuse.

Many of the things listed on this website are applicable;-

* Making out that being upset is simply 'blowing things out of proportion.

* Being referred to as irrational or mad or neurotic.

* Having no interest shown in hobbies or talents of the other partner.

* Witholding affection or becoming distant in order to punish the other person.

This is just to name a few things. It's true that since being in this relationship I have changed in terms of being much less confident and having lowered self esteem. I do believe that it's not a healthy relationship but I wonder if this is all my fault and that I AM being irrational or 'mad' (I certainly feel as if I'm going mad a lot of the time)... I haven't heard from my boyfriend since yesterday afternoon and I'm now frantic thinking that he wants to get rid of me (is waiting until I finish work to tell me). I can't walk away though, partly because I don't want to be on my own (believe I won't find anyone else) and also because I love him.

Is this emotional abuse? Or is it really all my fault?

Answer 1

This is emotional abuse and you are becoming a victim. There are men out there who constantly put down their partner and enjoy playing power games. A loving relationship consists of 2 people happy to be together, one of them does NOT withold affection for no good reason. I can see that he has already made you feel worthless and thinking that you won't find anyone else. Do you really want a lifetime of this? Whats the point of sticking with him if he dosn't make you feel good. of course you will find someone else, but I would rather be alone than go through this, Please walk away now, and GoodLuck. x

Answer 2

leave.

it's so easy to blame ones self just to find an excuse to stay in a crappy relationship.

Answer 3

It is emotional abuse, but it most certainly is not your fault, people who behave that way are the one's with the problem, he is dragging you down with him and then having the cheek to blame it on you, it has nothing to do with you, no matter what you do he will never be happy or content and this issue will only get worse.  It is HIS problem to solve, you cannot heal him.

Answer 4

If you suspect it, then it is probably emotional abuse.

Be firm with him. Make a little distance in your mind from him, and show that what he's doing isn't affecting you at all (pretend if necessary). He'll get frustrated and sulky. He'll then get all affectionate, you can be affectionate too but don't drop the confident act or he'll think it was just you having a tantrum or PMS.

If he doesn't shape up after a while, and adjust to you being emotionally self-assured, then leave him because he will make your life miserable.

Answer 5

If those four symptoms are signs of emotional abuse then I am an emotional abuser, except I think they are not.

Human beings are complex, capable of good, bad and all grades inbetween behaviour.  I think there is a abuse around, but also a lot of silly over-hype too, where people seek to blame others for the way they feel and take away their own power over what they do and how they feel.  

My partner has to be able to survive my shortcomings and I have to survive (accept) hers.  If I demand perfection then I am doomed to fail.  Being unwilling to put up with childish behaviour (occasionally) is in my view expecting perfection.

"Withholding affection" may be quite uncomfortable, but the partner is hardly entitled to affection, and they survived without affection before their partner came along.  It is childish but hardly rape.  Neither is the person condemned to stay with that person.  In my view the proposition is irrational because it is like saying my partner has control over how I feel about myself - when in reality while witholding affection is unpleasant and childish, it is only badly uncomfortable if "I" think it is.

I appreciate that you are trying to find out for yourself what is abusive or not, but the quotes from the website to me are overhype.  Rather than giving others the power and blaming them for our situation and for how we feel, it is much more positive and...rational, to look at our choices, accept others as fallible human beings and move on if the situation doesn't suit us.

I recommend a book, 10 steps to positive living - by Windy Dryden.

No criticism intended.

All the best

Abuse for me would be constant criticism aimed at undermining/belittling your own being and independance.  Punching, pushing definately unacceptable.  Controlling your movements, micro-managing your friendships, what you wear (there is a difference between having an opinion and insisting on your own viewpoint).  My wife goes to college to learn English and she often tells me of Asian girlfriends that are disallowed from going to college classes by their husbands.

Answer 6

True loving and caring couples build each other up physically and emotionally.  They grow together, have fun and develop a closeness unlike any you will ever know.  Since I married my wife nearly 6 years ago, my love for her has grown even more than the day we married.  You accept each others faults.  You laugh at your own faults knowing that your partner is laughing with you not at you and they have no desire to ever hurt you.  If you are feeling devalued then it is a very good chance you are in an emotional relationship.  Demand to be treated with dignity and respect like all human beings deserve.  You are not property and a good relationship has like goals and works together to accomplish them.

Answer 7

The first things you listed could have been either way, but saying "* Withholding affection or becoming distant in order to punish the other person." That is definitely a problem and not YOURS...get out of the situation.

Not feeling like you can do it on your own is part of the conditioning process you get you to stay. The only way to break this is to just do it. You won't change him until he deals with his own issues and maybe not even then. Get yourself a support system, a friend to stay with and just go while you can.

Answer 8

It's very possibly an abusive relationship.  The one who has this happen to them ends up feeling they are the problem and overreacting to issues.  This sounds very controlling and would be be basis of your relationship.  It can also lead to physical abuse.  What about joining a support group for women who are in this spot?  You need to develop your self-confidence and then decide do you always want to question everything you do?  If you did this to him, how do you think he might respond?

Answer 9

It really does sound like abuse to me.  Where has all your self confidence gone?And I bet the lower you feel, the better he feels. Do you notice his confidence soaring when you feel sh*t.?  I bet he loves it when you're crying and apologising for everything.  He is convincing you that you're mad.  And why will you not meet anyone else?  You  met him didn't you. Please address this before it goes any further. (By the way please forgive me if I have the wrong end of the stick, my comments are drawn on my own personal experiences)

Hope things work out for you

Jo x

Answer 10

Dear Emby

If you are experiencing lower self confidence & self esteem this is a way of your boyfriend "beating you down" to control you.  

Its not your fault and it would be better in the long run for your self esteem if you get out of this relationship and have no one for a while rather than being in a relationship that will ruin you.  

You can do it, girl

Good luck,

Love,

Mother Earth

Answer 11

You say you have lower confidence & self esteem since you have been with him. Therefore, he is no good for you and you are better off without him. You will in time find someone else and there is nothing wrong with being single anyway.

Good luck x

Answer 12

First of all, work desperately at getting back your self confidence !

Start now and daily read something that speaks to who you are and why you need to take care of yourself. Mainly because YOU are important and YOU matter !  You deserve the very best life possible and it sound like you are far from that.

Get yourself this personalized book with YOUR own name on the cover and throughout the entire book.  A book of positive affirmations

about YOU !  Get to work immediately and do not waste time trying to please people because that will never happen.  People respect you when you respect yourself..You have a great future ahead of you so

get busy pursuing YOUR future instead of someone elses...You can get out of the merry go round situation. You deserve much better and you can have it if you start helping yourself. Only you can do it for you !

Get this book and read some daily about who you are ! It will change your life !  You need a change !  The other person will eventually follow your new positive behavior or He will stay stuck where he is now....

Get the book online at the site in the source line below !  YOU deserve better !

Answer 13

If you are having these questions, then, yes, the possibility exists.  Remember, if he is emotionally abusive, then the lower your self-esteem becomes, the more you depend on him emotionally, and the more powerful he becomes in his mind and yours.  The very fact that you haven't heard from him for half a day and you describe yourself as "frantic," speaks volumes.

Is there a trusted adult you can talk to?  Perhaps a minister or priest?  Maybe an older neighbor or relative?  If not, please consider talking to a therapist.  You can never truly be happy with someone else until you can be happy WITH yourself.  If you can find your own center, self-worth, and internal happiness, then an abusive boyfriend will no longer have the ability to manipulate you.  

You need to give yourself the opportunity to be alone and learn that it won't kill you.  It may be difficult, it may be lonely, it may be financially hard, but it's a lesson you need to absorb so that you know you can do it if you have to.  It will take power away from an abusive boyfriend, and if you being stable and self-sufficient makes him angry, then it becomes clear that he was looking for someone to control, not someone to love.

Making you feel bad about yourself is not what a loving partner does.  And if you allow someone else to make you feel bad on a regular basis, then you are handing over emotional control of yourself.  That's not healthy.

A loving partner wants you to be happy.

A loving partner wants you to be successful.

A loving partner loves you as you are.