Is this really the most cruel form of abuse?

Question

Someone (who I always enjoy reading answers from) referred to adoption in these terms "separating a mother and child is the cruelest form of abuse there is."

This being said, do we really believe this separation is worse than other types of abuse such as sexual and physical? I am not disputing at all the loss that adoptees go through, but to have this statement out there, well I guess I wanted to see if others thought this, or not.

Personally I cannot speak for adoptees, but can speak for children who have been abused by their parents. (whether parents were birth or adoptive is not the issue, just that they were abused)

Just curious for thoughts, not trying to minimize adoptees experience at all, just following up on someone else's response.

Thanks,

opedial

Answer 1

All I can say is, if I had to choose between sexual or extreme physical abuse, and being adopted by a loving couple, I would choose adoption every time.

Having said that, though, children only know their own lot in life and aren't really too aware of how other children out there are faring.  Add to that the fact that most children love their parents unconditionally, and I'll bet that most children who are suffering terrible abuse would NOT choose to be separated from their parents.  So sad, I know.

I have sort of mixed feelings about this issue.  I was raised in a home where there was plenty of love, but also some abuse.  I was spanked on occasion by my mother, but not hard, and not in an abusive sort of way.  My father, though, really didn't discipline at all, except that about once a year, when he was particularly stressed about something at work, would blow up and grab whatever child hadn't already hidden in fear and do something like hold us upside-down by the foot and shake us, or lift a child up and slam her against the wall repeatedly while yelling, "I ought to blow your head off with a shotgun -- I can't even stand to look at you!" or some such thing like that.  I was sure, each time it happened to me, that I was going to die.  Never did, luckily, heh heh.  But within a few hours of my dad's outburst, he would come and find me and hold me and comfort me.  He didn't say so, but I knew that he was sorry.  I never really took it personally.  He was a very sweet, kind, caring person the other 364 days of the year.  My older sister had it much worse, though, because when she was little, my dad was far worse.  In addition, this same older sister was demanding, temperamental, and just wasn't saavy enough to know when my father was nearing the end of his rope.  As a result, she was abused far more often.  I do not know the details, but did hear that once, after losing control with one of the older kids, my dad was so scared by the realization that he could have killed the child, that he decided he would never discipline at all. Period.  So at least it only happened about once a year after that. This sister grew up with extremely low self-esteem, and has problems to this day that, in my mind, stem from the abuse of my father.  It wasn't until my mother died several years ago and this same older sister sort of became my father's caretaker, that I could see my sister's wounds begin to heal.  My father, by this time, had mellowed a great deal and was very kind and loving to my sister.  

Would my sister have been better off raised by a different father? Quite possibly.  If I, as an adult outsider with any authority, could have seen what took place in my home when I was little, I would certainly have removed my sister, if no one else.  However, my sister, to this day, would tell you she would not have wanted to be separated from the rest of us.  She isn't happy about the abuse, but she is happy to be a friend and a sister to us other 5 kids, and many of the wounds inflicted by my father have also been healed by him (as much as possible, anyway).

As for adoptees, I cannot speak from my own experience, but I can tell you what my mother told me about her experience.  My mother's birth mom died about a month after my mom was born. (Okay, no one really "separated" them; nevertheless there was a separation).  The dead mother's sister (my mom's aunt) took my mother in and raised her as her own. She had been unable to have children of her own; in fact, she had asked two of her sisters to please just give her one of theirs to raise, only to be turned down (of course, heh heh). My mother's "new" parents doted on her.  My mother remembers at the age of 3 or 4, being told that she was "adopted," although she had no idea what it meant.  The aunt and uncle whom she called mother and daddy took her to visit her real father and siblings several times a year, but to my mother, her siblings were just like her other cousins, and her birth father more of an "uncle" figure.

My mother did go through a several-years period when she thought a lot about her dead mother, and wished she could have gotten to know her.  One day when my mother was in her 20's, she was sitting alone at her kitchen table doing some paperwork, and thinking wistfully about her birth mother. She saw movement from the corner of her eye, and when she looked up, she saw her birth mother, dressed in a flowing white gown, descending a staircase in mid-air.  Her mother was smiling sweetly at my mother, and my mother felt incredible love coming from the figure.  Then, the vision slowly faded and all that was left was a feeling of love and peace. After that, my mother felt more at peace about losing her birth mother.  

I wonder if perhaps the woman whose comment you read was opposed to the idea of forcing an unwed mother to give up her child, or something along those lines.  I cannot imagine her expecting or wanting a child to stay in a home where he was severely abused.  Sometimes it's difficult, in this Y/A format, to get our complete thoughts across without writing an essay on the subject, as I am prone to do.  *groan*  heh heh

;)

Answer 2

I think that is an absurd statement!!

ETA

Thumbs down? Seriously?? Rape?? Sexual abuse???You would rather experience those things than be adopted??Are you kidding me??

Answer 3

I think the answer to the question is a matter of perspective.

To me, who was not adopted I find this statement untrue.

For someone who was adopted they may disagree.

Why I can sympathize....to truly understand you must walk in ones shoes. Yeah too bad there is no compassion for the h**l I have been through.

Answer 4

I wouldn't jump out a window because someone did, so why would I try to emulate a person I disagreed with?  a lot of girls let little boys use them and end up pregnant, they freely give kids away, so how is that abuse?  I'd say that is less abuse than aborting them, wouldn't you?

Answer 5

I believe that adoption can be the best form of avoiding abuse for many children.  I aodpted my youngest child (Age 6 months in just a few more hours), and he is happy, above average for his age, is the happiest child the daycare has seen in years to just start out (he goes 3 days a week, and just started.  He giggled when I picked him up today, as he saw me come in the door while in his crib.)

To live with his birth mother would have meant that he'd be exposed to meth, moving a lot, emotional stress from fighting within the home, poor living conditions, and worse.  His birth mother can see him any time she wants, as long as she is clean, but she chooses not to.  I've even offered to have her best friend babysit my son, and visit him there, without me, but she still chooses not to.  No, adoption is not abuse in most cases.  Unfortunately, just like being a natural child, there are some cases of abuse, which is wrong if your biological or adopted child.

We're ready to adopt again, and can't wait.

Answer 6

I think this is really a valid and important question. I could go on forever on this one (sigh).  

I can only say as a person who has experienced violent sexual assault  that it was far more traumatic than being separated from my birth mother. That's just my experience.  ReallyI don't even have the ability to compare the two. But,  do we really need to argue over who has suffered more? Is pain something we want to wear like a badge?  I would gladly give mine up.  What I have learned is no matter what pain I have experienced, there is always someone who has also suffered greatly and I would never want to minimise their suffering by pretending that mine is greater or even comparing my pain to theirs.  

I find myself deeply saddened by this question and its responses and I can't even articulate why.  



That's just me.

Thanks so much for asking the question.

Answer 7

Instead of adoption being defined as "separating a mother and child is the cruelest form of abuse there is", I think it is more accurately defined as "a woman's decision to seperate from her child" and therefore, for some, it feels like abandonment.

These are my thoughts and feelings as a birthmother, adoptee, adoptive mother and adoption social worker.

Answer 8

I was adopted.  I can actually remember my biological mother trying to drown me.  So, I don't think it was cruel that I be separated from her.  I would guess that sexual abuse would be the worst form of abuse as far as leaving long term damage.  Especially since most victims of sexual abuse are abused by someone that they trust and often accused of lying if they tell someone about it.  

There is typically a good reason why children are adopted.  Granted, my case was extreme.  But I have to believe that most adoptions are in the childs best interest.

Answer 9

I think its one persons opinion.  If their reality is that separating a mother and child is the most cruel form of abuse then i cannot debate that.  Its their life and I haven't lived it.  I don't agree with it but i'm sure they don't agree with me.  

I think there is a difference between forcing a mother to relinquish her baby and free choice.  If someone forcibly took my child from me, i could think of no greater abuse.  I have to always keep in mind that many of the adoptees here were born in the baby scoop era.  

Read the book "the girls that went away" it really helps to understand others points of view on this forum.

Don't take it personally.  Best wishes.

Answer 10

i think of adoption as the cruelest thing you can do to a mother and child.

but i also think s*x abuse and physical abuse are horrendous.

that being said, i do not believe anyone should have to deal with physical or sexual, emotional or other abuse.

and i do not think a baby should suffer the loss of a mother.

Answer 11

I am sick of people thinking of adoption as a bad thing.  It is not like these babies are getting ripped out of the hand of these birth mothers.  The birth mothers DON'T want the babies.  It is their ideas to give up their children.  Of course the best option is for these birth mothers to have a stable life, make money, and take care of their children.  But sometimes mistakes happen. Instead of aborting the children, they feel it is better to have them and offer them to a family that can really give the child a good life.  There will be some adjustments to make, but I believe adoption is a wonderful thing.  Its better then the children getting abused, or put in foster care and passed around from home to home.

Answer 12

As a mom I could never imagine my daughter being "ripped out of my arms" instead of placed in them by her loving birth mother.  Even while she was still pregnant with our little girl, she had a displacement and didn't bond with her.  My love and bond was instantaneous.  I would move heaven and earth for my daughter and her birth mother.  Could I ever let some one take her from me?  Would it be worse than abuse to take her from her mommy?  I would kill anyone who tried, and yes it would be abuse to take my daughter's hand from mine.  I'm sorry that every child cannot know at least half of the love and affection that my little girl receives every day.

Answer 13

well...it depends on the circumstance...some mothers are forced to give up their children cause they can't afford to take care of them...their husbands are abusive..and all that stuff...it hurts her real bad to give up the baby...you'll only understand this pain if you've been a mother and has been in such a situation...but a mother has to give up her child for adoption if she wants her child to grow up in a loving family...so the child can be all he/she wants to be...

Answer 14

Havent you ever read a Dave Pelzer book? BELIEVE me, sometimes your own mother doesnt even know whats best for you!!

Answer 15

I don't think "we" as a community agree about this, but some of us do. Sure, murder, sexual abuse, rape, exploitation, child ponography those are all horrible forms of abuse.

But when a child loses his/her mother, do you really think that child, who has never experienced abuse ( assuming its a newborn) really cares that there are other "worse" forms of pain out there?

It most definitely is a horrible form of abuse to some babies, infants, children and mothers.

I was raped of my heritage.

Identity stolen against my will.

Denied my equality.

Suppressed by my state and society for being a b*****d.

Its MANY forms of abuse. I won't compare or contrast which is worse, they all suck, and everyone should doing their darndest to elliminate them.

Answer 16

As I was reading your question and some of the answers- I could not help but cry.  What has happened to the world. Now adoption is considered abuse?  Granted some people experience some loss in being adopted, I will not deny that- I did not, and either have my 2 adopted children- however when people say it is the cruelest form of child abuse, I JUST DON'T understand.  What if the mother could not raise her child, would it be better for the child to stay with the mother, even if she was a drug addict- or did not have finances to raise her/him?  Biological children have abuse - sexual, physical and mental- my husband still has scars from his mental abuse growing up- he is in his 50's and still feels the abuse at times today from his family. Since being on this site, I have seen why more women are choosing abortion over adoption these days- this is a fact because I have counseled women for over 10 years who are pregnant- and if they cannot raise their child, the majority chose abortion , because they could not "give their child away"-  I would say the one of the cruelest forms of child abuse today is abortion- it not only hurts the baby- the baby loses his/her life.  We need to help those adoptees that have felt abandoned ,yes, it is a real problem- however to say that a mother loves her child enough to give the baby life, and place for adoption- is abuse, I think this world is turning upside down.

Answer 17

No, I do not agree with that statement of all. I do think that forcing a woman to parent when she doesn't want to can be considered crueler.

Answer 18

My take on this is that NO ONE has a better or worse life than anyone else.  If someone tried to tell me that their pain was worse than mine because they went through soooooo much worse, I'd be p!ssed.  I understand an adoptee saying this is the worst pain there is...it's the worst pain in their world.  I have no idea if the abuse I endured as a child is worse than the loss of a biological mother or father, because I've never experienced that loss.  But the losses I have experienced were pretty freakin bad.  I just can't compare the loss I actually experienced with a loss I didn't experience...because I don't know.  I know that I understand that it's got to be bad.  I know that I would be one of the "angrates" had I been adopted, because of my personality.  I know that my brother suffered more than I did, in some ways, but that he seems to be more resilient (perhaps because he was both spoiled because he was the only boy, and abused in more ways because "he should learn to take it like a man").  Who knows what all went into that...but he's a happy camper for the most part, whereas I'm very self-reflective, and my emotions surface much easier.

Anyway, I'm rambling.  My only point is, I can't say which is worse, because I only know my own experiences, and how my life has felt to me.  How can I judge what someone else should be feeling, and whether or not it's worse than what I'm feeling?

I guess my point in all this is that the form of abuse, and/or the severity of the abuse (or whatever caused pain) is not the issue.  The issue is how the person EXPERIENCES the pain.  Some people will get raped and move on without another thought about it (I've seen it, I know), while others will be traumatized for life.  Some people don't feel that their adoption resulted in any kind of loss, and others feel the loss of their family as an intense, lifelong pain.  The person's feelings should be validated, no matter what caused the pain, and no matter what others deem to be "worse".

Answer 19

For me personally I dont believe this can be a blanket statement Everyone has different views on what they believe is the *worst*

For me to be abused sexually, psychically would be worse than being adopted.

And I ought to know because I am adopted.

I personally would take being adopted with the parents that adopted me than to have remained with my birth mother and be raped and beaten as a infant etc...

Of course I would. But thats because I had wonderful adoptive parents and a woman who was NOT forced to surrender me.

But for some whose mothers were forced or for the mother that was forced then yes I imagine that would be the worse type of abuse for them

Answer 20

It could not have been for my children.... My daughter still has nighmares and we still do not go to stores with shopping carts she just has too much PTSD....  she just can't deal with carts after living in one for long periods of time during her first four years of life....  then don't even get me going about the men who abused her and how---I cannot even imagine what would be happening to this little girl had she not been saved....

.....that has nothing to do with love.

.....and it isn't about Stopping Her from loving her birth mother--but, the truth is I don't think my little girl would be alive today had she not been rescued and SHE feels that way too.

I guess I don't need to ask her to be grateful.... it's funny how it just shows when a person is.... she knows where she was and she knows where she is today and we don't have to look hard to see she is happy to be here....

My little girl in no way feels abused today....she feels special and thankful she isn't living a life she can remember we all hope it fades soon, we all wish she could forget some of it...but, we are here to help her deal with these things...

Answer 21

Taking my two (adopted) daughters from their birth mothers was the best thing that could have happened to them.  They both suffered severe abuse and neglect at the hands of their biologicial parents, abuse that still affects everyting about their lives today.

Answer 22

No it's not the cruelest form of abuse there is......MANY mothers have taken their own children's lives ....doesn't that exceed abuse? With that being said I would certainly say that being seperated from my children (aside from knowing they were being hurt in some way)would probably be the most cruel thing you could do to torture me.