Is this situation coercive to an expectant mother?

Question

An adoptive mother describes the situation she created for the mother of her expected adopted child while the mother was pregnant:

"She moved into my home with me, along with the 1st dad, where I provided all her normal living needs such as groceries, vitamins, all utilities, maternity clothes, car to use, complete with fuel, and I paid her cell phone bill."

Is it ethical? Should it be legal?

Answer 1

If you want a baby that badly, you'd be surprised the things women would do.

Answer 2

Just because something CAN  be done doesn't mean it should. This is, of course, legal, but it's not ethical.  No matter if the PAP's tell the girl who they are completely supporting that it's all right if she keeps her baby, actions speak louder than words.  Providing for all of her needs while she is pregnant and considering relinquishment does set up an unspoken "agreement" of sorts.  The girl can easily feel she owes the family who cared for her.  The obvious "payment" would be the child, as she entered into the care scenario under the circumstances of a likely relinquishment.  

Going through a pregnancy when one is uncertain as to whether or not she will be raising the child should be a private affair.  Influence from PAP's should not be a part of it.  The time to decide whether or not to relinquish is after the birth.  There are girls and women who will still choose to relinquish, but it will not be because they spent most of the pregnancy living in a situation where relinquishment was the expected outcome.

Answer 3

That's wrong.

Answer 4

I am wondering when she boots the first family out. Does she wait for the mommy to recover or does she pack their bags and take them to the hospital?? No, there is nothing ethical about this situation.

Answer 5

Providing for the biological mother is ethical and legal.  I'm surprised someone would allow the deadbeat dad to come along, though.

Answer 6

Yep - coersive, unethical, and should be illegal.

Answer 7

Its unethical, manipulative and should be illegal. Its bribery.

Someone pulled this will a girlfriend from high school and it backfired on the Pap's. She lived with them the last two months of her pregnancy but after the baby was born her mom came around and fully supported her for her decision to keep the baby.

Nobody had any sympathy for the Pap's because everyone knew what they were trying to pull and it backfired on them.  I wish it would happen more.  

Church "folks" pull this same c**p but with a different tune. When the girls decide to keep their babies their support ends there and she's treated like a selfish, irresponsible heathen.

Answer 8

It was I who posted that.  Yes, according to my attorney, it was legal.  Not only that, I did it to help my son's 1st mom and dad.  In addition to that, I told her at the beginning, and after his birth both, that if she changed her mind, I loved him too, and that everything I'd bought for his nursery would be for him, even if she changed her mind.  

I did this for her because I knew she had a history of drug use.  I wanted our son to be born with every advantage he could have.  If I had not helped her, I know that he probably would not have survived, because of her history both past and present.  

I also wish to defend her, because she never used me either.  Most of the clothes were like new and very high quality, however, we purchased some at yard sales.  The things I did for her would have been things I'd done for myself if I had been pregnant.  They were all pregnancy related items, such as she needed a cell phone if she were on the road in the summer heat and might have had car trouble, or a flat (she traveled down country roads).

I ALWAYS  knew it was a risk for the adoption either way.  I knew that she could change her mind, and I was adamant about making sure she knew her rights, how to change it if she did, and that I did ask that if she did, would she allow me to spoil him too, because I loved him too.  Still now, I offer to visit her, or have her visit us.  The 1st dad does as well as some of his family.  

I was providing for my child.  Yes, I thank God every day for him.  I am the most fortunate woman on the face of this earth to have him, and I know it.   I hope he always feels that he is fortunate to be adopted and to be loved by both of us.  Quite frankly, there is no telling where he'd be now if it weren't for me!  I know he would have spent the first 30 days in foster care, and I know both of them failed drug tests over a month after he came home from the hospital, so he'd probably been lost again to foster care.  Her older child has been lost to foster care now (he lived with his father, her husband, and she failed to go to court to try to get him).  Now as it stands, my son can know as much of his family as will let him, including his mother.  She was going to leave him at the hospital, where he'd never know his medical history.  I provided transportation to get him to and from medical appointments, which I was told she was getting, only to find out that she never got prenatal care like she was supposed to, and no telling what was happening in my car.  

Perhaps it's the blasted hypocritical people who ought to be called unethical.  Perhaps it's the people who use abortion and adoption out as birth control.  Perhaps it's the people who listen to some 13 year old who's never been pregnant to raise their kids, and then only end up on welfare and losing them, because they can't get their heads on straight and quit using drugs.  Quite frankly, I know that I do the best that I can do to be a nice, ethical, caring person to all those I can be.  

Got any more strikes to try to put down adoptive parents?   I truly wish those who's adoptions were horrible could have all their bad memories taken away, and live a perfect life.  Unfortunately, I live in the real world and it doesn't happen that way.  I dare anyone to come and visit my child, and see how happy he is.  And, yes, my attorney did advise me on what was legal, and my church body totally supported me adopting, and I know that them living with me gave me an opportunity to really, truly get to know my son's 1st parents and family, and take pictures and see how they walk, talk, smile, frown, handle stuff, and how their body actions are.  This way, I can tell him, when you get mad, you can pout just like your 1st mom did when "J" didn't do something for her.  He also heard my voice before he was born, making the transition easier.  If you think I'm unethical, you can kiss my .....

Addtl:  The maternity clothes were donated to one of the abuse victims I helped through 2 of her pregnancies before (this was for the 3rd and knowing she'd not be placing).  She was going to move in with me after the birth of my son, however, she had done a dose of meth the day he was born, and CPS said she couldn't, so for 2 months, I paid for her rent, until she was healed enough to get a job, and BTW-I also paid for dad's too.

Answer 9

Extremely coercive and unethical, I mean what woman wouldn't feel the INTENSE pressure to relinquish under those conditions! Especially in this society where self sufficiency is placed on such a high pedestal and NOTHING is ever free, even if it is advertised that way.

Answer 10

at least she was only accepting living expenses from one family. I've seen when they string more than one family along with no intentions what-so-ever of relinquishing the child.  there is nothing the law can do, and it's really sad!

Answer 11

wow- no one had to point out who wrote that!  

of course it's unethical!  and should be against the law.  she's a mothers WORST and most manipulative nightmare.

Answer 12

Hi Sunny,

OMG, unethical and should be illegal.

Adoptive parents should not be involved until after the birth.  Preferably after the mother has had the chance to try to raise her baby.  A mother's choice should be free from all influence or it IS coercion.

Answer 13

One thing I have a VERY hard time with is the fact that there are drug addicts out there that are able to get pregnant,  give birth to a live, breathing on their own (in some cases) child and they get to take their child home. Then there is the wonderful families who would give anything to get pregnant/ have a child of their own!! Then people criticize  them because of the way they did  things most people would do anything to help a child have a wonderful life I think that's GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!