Is this sort of 'Too Much' for a college application essay?

Question

I was at the airport gate where I hailed a cab; I collected my luggage and started loading the trunk with it. I shut the trunk door and paused for a second to gaze upon the perfect crystal sky, telling me everything is going to be alright till I approached the backseat door and entered the vehicle. The driver was friendly with all the silver hairs that suggest comfort; he met me with a wide grin crossing his face asking me where I am heading to. “To Penn-State, if you please”. He chuckled and said “Penn-state it is” before he revved the engine allowing this short conversation to come to an end and enter a moment of utter silence.

Answer 1

It depends on what the question is that you're answering. The key is to make sure you speak to the topic, and we can't really see whether you do that from just the introduction.

If you speak to the topic, then adding some color is fine--as long as it is well done. If you over-reach, then you're just asking for trouble. That said, I don't really think you're over-reaching here--you're a decent writer, but you do fall prey to a couple of key amateur writing mistakes.

Some tips:

1) Make sure you double-check your verb tenses. You move from past to present a lot and that distracts from the rest of your writing.

2) "Perfect crystal sky" has all the hallmarks of amateurism. Use a different phrase. "With all the silver hairs that suggest comfort" is a bit jarring, too--perhaps rephrase slightly?

3) Double-check your punctuation, particularly around the dialogue. They're small errors, but details of execution are important.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

Answer 2

i think it sounds pretty good. maybe you could write a lil more.

but i feel as if it's fine the way it is.

tbh; sounds like something i would read.

and i don't read much.

are you like an aspiring writer or something?

Answer 3

that depends on the total length of the paper. and what your point is. so far you've just set up a scenario with a setting - i have no idea what your point is or what exactly you're talking about.