Is this story looking good so far?

Question

I've been working on a story called Witch's prince

The link to the story is here:

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2555084/1/Witchs_prince

If anyone finds it's familiar, my friend posted the idea on here before. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjtKHNT8dKfqUWCmaE4gVSnsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080717124410AAqZjd1

Any comments appreciated.

Answer 1

It's kind of boring. So some guy goes to see a girl- why should we care?  Anyway this guy sounds like a sleaze so I don't really care what happens to him. He just appears to be dating some dolled-up vamp (you know what i mean). And then it transpires that he's her toy-boy?! Sounds kind of inappropriate.

There has to be something likeable about at least one of the characters and that is the main reason why your story doesn't work.

Answer 2

cool

Answer 3

Erm...it's ok...but it is a little all over the place too. At the start you just fling in something about someone having Internet access...we don't know who that someone is or why the hero is surprised she's got access. Also...hair can't be innocent....it can give the IMPRESSION of innocence....but you shouldn't refer to the actual hair as being innocent...and try to think of more original similes than Sapphire blue eyes and cherry lips. EDIT...MWAH...my comments are perfectly clear...I don't say I just don't like ..I have pointed out common errors which many beginners make.

Answer 4

Hi there! You are trying a little too hard to make the prose sound intelligent. Just tell the story. Relax, and as Stephen King's English teacher told him- Omit needless words. The tighter your sentences are, the easier you will keep people reading. It is very easy to be descriptive without going overboard. I'm a published author myself and I know how frustrating this sort of thing can be. I wish you all the best for the future!

Answer 5

I was bored after the first sentence, sorry...Some people might like it though...

Answer 6

Well..you have a few mistakes.... ur putting the past tense and stuff in wring places..and u missed some words...keep writting and u will improve

Answer 7

It was great! Some of the comments here aren't particualarily nice, even though it is their own opinion. Some people may not like fantasy and withcraft but if you pretend that you do like fantasy then it is a very inventive and mystical story. I wish u loads of luck for the future if u are considering taking story telling as a career. You should be proud of yourself. xxxxxx good luck xxxxxx

And. you have a point, WHY, isn't it good.People make yourself CLEAR.