Is this the only place you have a voice?

Question

I was just curious if anyone ever talks about the issues of being adopted with anyone else?

I never have anyone to talk to about being a first mom. Face to face. Sometimes my husband listens, but he's from Mars and can only do so much.... lol...

Is anyone else like this? Living a secret, but coming here and letting it "all hang out"?

Answer 1

Online is where I'm most honest about my adoption feelings. In real life, every once in a while I'll try to dispel some stereotypes or reframe adoption, but I am never as open and honest as I am here.

I'm sure there are people in the real world that actually use me as an example of the content and happy birth mother. Kind of funny.

Answer 2

I had been like this until recently.  I found a support group that consists largely of first moms, with a few adoptees.  (It's a search support group, and there have been more adoptees lately.  Adoptive parents are welcome, but none have ever come.)  I also found an online forum that has been incredibly healing and supportive.  My partner, my blog, and my journal have all taken some of the load, too.  A lot of things that I NEVER talked about have demanded a hearing since I started searching.  Until recently, I suffered in complete silence.  Now I've gotten better at finding places to speak my truth.  I still don't have many places In Real Life, though.  That's a shame.  Even with these various outlets, I feel like I'm living a secret.

Answer 3

Last night I was at a cousins house with my family ( with my adad and aunt, 2 cousins and their families ) and my cousin brought her new boyfriend who I'd never met. I was talking to her about my daughters new preschool and how I found a "no separation school" and my cousin started laughin, we all were laughing because everyone in my family knows I have separation issues, and I don't leave my kids EVER. And her new boyfriend didn't really "get it" so I turned to him and said

"I'm adopted, you know, i lost my family and It gave me separation issues, so I never leave my kids"

and he just stared and had no clue what to say. lmao...

it was pretty funny.

Answer 4

I feel like this often. I am a stay at home mum of 5 kids and don't have anyone to talk to really. I have another contact on here who shares a lot of my point of views so that's nice.  :)

Answer 5

I have been into several blogs where you can leave your name and comments. Rachael and I are trying to find the time to get our own blog together but it is slow going. You are more than welcome to email me any time.

Answer 6

Yes, I am a stay at home mom of 2 boys and another one on the way. The only other person besides my husband I can talk to is my mom... and even then she is to busy. And then my husband doesn't listen and or he is working. So he doesn't even have a clue about anything that is going on in my life or the kids. I come on here just to talk to other people...

Answer 7

I lived a lie for 30 years, only a handful of people knew I had had a baby girl. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, because she was a secret. My sister helped me find her and once I did find her, I had to confess this lie to the world. Once people knew about her and got over the shock of it, I became more vocal. It was only when I found this site, that I learned a few things. The rights of the adoptee was something I never thought about. Very selfish of me.  It's still hard to answer the question of how many kids do you have. Do I say 2 and explain the whole story or do I say 1. With people who have known us for years and know we only have 1 child, it's difficult to explain the 3 extra grankids and daughter. We muddle through a half truth while still living a lie.

Living a lie takes a physical and emotional tole on your life. It took me 30 years to come to grips with my lie and now that it's out in the open, I have a sense of freedom.

Answer 8

I never spoke about it until after I reunited with my first family 6 years ago.  We have a great relationship, and I felt like I could finally open up about adoption.  Finding out what it was like for my first family to feel pain for all those years after relinquishing made me realize it affected others as well, so now I felt I had to talk.

I belong to some online support groups where I can speak freely.  I also have some very close adoptee/first parent/adoptive parent friend IRL who are very open about adoption issues.

Origins-usa, as Sunny pointed out, is a good place for first parents.  Another organization, Concerned United Birthparents www.cubirthparents.org also has a list you can join where first parents discuss issues.

Answer 9

You need to join http://www.origins-usa.org

Answer 10

I found out very recently that my grandmother relinquished a child in the early sixties.  Apparently, her and my grandfather were seperated, and she got involved with someone else.  They broke it off around the time she became pregnant, eventually tried to abort but she actually had a moral doctor who would not touch her at 7 months (still cannot believe she tried).  In order for her to be able to get back with my grandfather, she had to "get rid of the problem".  So, I am fortunate to have someone who understands, but her attitude about it all bothers me.  "The damned doctor could've gotten rid of it.....its all about men controlling women".  She refuses to listen to the facts that at 7 months, it was a viable infant that would have felt pain.  I don't talk about it much with her because her feelings on it are completely polar opposite than mine.  She wanted to make sure she could just sit on her butt while my grandpa worked his butt off.  Keeping the new infant would have interfered with that.  My mom doesn't know how to look for her half sister.  Grandma refuses to give us any info about it.  "I didn't want it then, why should I want it in my life now?"    But its no longer about her.  This is about all of us, especially my mom.  My mom was 3 or 4 when all of this happened.  My grandmother convinced her that seeing her pregnant was all just a dream.  Never happened.  Forty five years later, the truth comes out.

Answer 11

After I started to really search for my family of origin 2 years ago (I stopped and started many times throughout my life) - I felt I had to reach out and try to find others from similar situations - so that I didn't feel so alone.

Finding them - then starting my blog over a year ago - then finding some wonderful forums - AND finding an in-real-life support group where I live - have all helped me with the ups and downs of adoption search and reunion. (they're not joking when they say it's a roller-coaster - and now I'm not alone in the carriage - I have a whole support crew along for the ride!!)

Writing about my adoption on-line - and the support groups - has helped me to open up more with other friends and family - although - many will not ever totally 'get it' - as only those that have lived it can truly understand.

I'm finally feeling a strength within myself that I never knew existed.

Reaching out to others has been very healing for my soul.

Check out first mum blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

(you can leave messages and communicate that way)

Here are some good forums I've found for first mothers-

http://adoptionthreads.com/forum/index.p...

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

It's good to know you're not alone.