Is this well written to send to an English University? Any corrections, please...?

Question

Dear Ms Smith,

Concerning the options given my final choices are:

CLDMW3010

GWBER3751

Moreover, I was not yet given an answer on when and how to apply for accommodation at the university, so I would be happy to know about the procedures.

In addiction to this, I would like to know if it would be possible to visit the University (and the halls of residence as well) on the next 27th and 28th August, 2008, since I will be in Newcastle, and if so if any special appointment is needed.

Thank very much in advance.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Hannah Márquez

Answer 1

comma after "given"

when OR how would be more appropriate

no " so i would be happy", instead, "i would appreciate"

addition, not addiction

university is not capitalized in this situation

shorten the second paragraph into two sentences, that one is nearly a run-on

"thank you", not thank

"yours" implies a relationship, just use Sincerely

Overall, it sounds alright, just be sure to split the second section into 2 sentences.

Answer 2

you said in addiction to this---should be addition to this---i think you could leave out thank very much in advance [ it would have been better to say ["thanking you in advance"] but i would leave it out