Is two too many?

Question

My husband and I have been trying to have children for over three years now. We have not been able to. Yesterday an opportunity presented itself to us. A close family friend has been taking care of their sons two daughters (ages 3 and 11 months) for almost a year now. It has gotten to the point when they can not care for them any longer. They are both in their early 50's. The son and girl friend do not want the children back and have told their parents to do with them "whatever" As horrible as this is, the parents have offered my husband and I the chance to become parents ourselves (twice over). My question is this. Has anyone here adopted twins or been in this situation before? How did introducing TWO new children into your house hold go over? I know our families are 100% supportive so no problem there. Did you think it was too overwhelming having two at once? If you could give me any advice please do. I'm kinda torn, But I know what the right thing to do is....

Answer 1

don't do it.you'll be sorry.

Answer 2

you have received two little blessings from God.  it's also nice they don't have to be separated.  it must be quite difficult for the grandparents, first having to realize their son could care less, and being brave enough to make decisions for the best interest of the children.  i hope it is possible to let them remain grandparents.  they have enriched your life.  i have twins - you just do everything twice.  it should be a little easier for you because they are not the same age. congratulations!

Answer 3

I’d say go for since you can financial afford both children. It might be a bit easier since there seems to be roughly 2 years between them. You will have to help the children transition. You could start by visiting them with their grandparents around so they get use to you and husband. Then start taking the children out for the day go the park, zoo, have some sleep overs etc. Before you finale get them home to your house, the transition period will give you time to prepare for them, get furniture for their room toys, decorate etc.

You will also want to contact a lawyer the birth parents will have to sign their rights away. Though from what you state it shouldn’t be an issue but in any adoption you want to make sure all I’s are dotted and your T’s crossed. Don’t want to risk birthparents suddenly changing their mind later on, and you have to give up your children because there was something amiss in the adoption process.

Answer 4

I think that if you are prepared to give them the love that they so desperately need then you must march forward.  Just make sure to make it legal so you don't get your hearts ripped out.  Please make sure that once the adoption goes through that you keep the grandparents involved as these kids must mean a lot to them for them to be willing to give them up even though it must be heart wrenching for them to do so.  Nothing like jumping in head first to turn mice into men.  You sound lovely and it seems that your heart is in the right place.  I truly believe that if you can give them love everything else will fall into place.  Good luck to you and your husband and hopefully your soon to be little girls!

Answer 5

Children are a lot of work and two is not quite twice as much. Sure, if you can handle one you can handle two. Good luck, I have boys 2 years apart and they were so close growing up, the best of friends and they still are.

Answer 6

Go for it and congratulations!

Answer 7

heavenly sent, have an open adoption so that family can visit and be apart of the childern lives. it is like it was completely heaven sent. No it is more easy to take care of two then one. Clothing can be handed down. They wopuld have someone to play with. It is so perfected.  Plus for the childern this is the best way since their parents donot want them. you will love them.

Answer 8

My parents did it. They adopted me and my sister together at the ages of 3 and 4. Then my dad's daughter from a previous marrige came and lived with us she was 13. It was hard at first, but they managed. If you can handle it emotionaly and financialy congrats!! Looks like you have yourself a family. If you have any questions or need some help feel free to e-mail me. I have done several papers on this topic, as well as lived it =).

Answer 9

I think that would be a wonderful opportunity for both you and your husband, and the children!  It may make the transition easier having each other, then not having someone familiar.  Good luck!  And congratulations on potentially becoming a mommy!

Answer 10

i'm sure it would be more conflicting, but it seems like these children need a home and have nowhere to go. your ready, you've got the finance, and your support system. i say your should go for it. although i haven't been through adopting or having children myself, my aunt has four children, two girls. ages two, one, and twin boys both 4 months. yes, it's a crazy house but if my aunt that just settled down about 4 years ago and moved from chicago to a little farm town with barely any expirence at all with children can do it, i believe with the information you have said that you can do it. you can succede!

good luck, you'll probably need it. =]

Answer 11

Sounds like luck is on your side with this one.  Congrats.

The advice you hear on this site won't help.  Once those kids are with you, your instincts take over.  Enjoy them.

Answer 12

While I did not adopt two children at once, I am single and became a foster parent to two children at once (for the first attempt at parenting). The boy (almost 7) was severely abused and had a lot of understandable emotional issues that came with him in the form of behavioral issues. The girl did not suffer direct abuse but was witness to her brothers being beaten which in itself was abuse.  

It was a lot to begin with and knowing now what I know, I would not have wished for a different placement. Yes, it was an adjustment but one we all made in what seems like an unbelievably short period of time. You just need to be committed to these girls and do your best for them.  

Within a year those children will be settled into your family. It sounds like you know what to do. I hope it is to adopt those two little girls. They need a family and they don't need to go into the foster system. They are young and it doesn't sound like they have been abused and neglected so they probably do not have any of trauma effects of abuse. However, you do need to remember that they have had significant losses in their short little lives. Loss of their birth family, I assume the grandparents will remain in contact.

Adopt them, love them and in a matter of a 6 months you will look back at this question and realize What was I thinking? LOL

Answer 13

I'm sure it might be a little rougher to adapt to 2 new children at the same time. But what a great opportunity! I would leap at the chance! Good luck!

Answer 14

If you have to ask, proceed carefully!

I just worked with a family who were VERY experienced parents of three children, and just adopted two more, thinking, how hard could it be?  Well, they found out.

It was very difficult.  Lots of crying, lots of fussing, lots of fighting, lots of sleepless nights, lots of overwhelming and challenging days!  How did they handle it?  Well, sadly, they did not do well.  Now, this is a different situation, because they adopted two little ones who had been very abused, acted out their abuse, and were close to the same ages as their previous children. etc.

But nonetheless, people do need to know what they are prepared and willing to do, and what they can and cannot handle.  These parents were contacted by their church about these children, and I think they were totally unprepared to adopt these children, even though they wanted to!  No counseling, no agency to advocate for them, to educate them, to support them -- to help them know what to expect.  Those two little ones had had a very chaotic prior life, and lived with several relatives who passed them around.  They had been abused (which was not known prior to placement) and didn't know how else to deal with that but to repeat it wherever they were.  (Common).  This was way too stressful for the adoptive parents.  These kids might have done very well with very patient, very calm parents with no other children.  Parents who knew and fully understood that these children came from a very fragile life, and needed tons of patience and tender care.  They needed therapy immediately (play therapy) and parents who were able and willing to do whatever it took to help these little tykes adjust, work through their issues, and LEARN proper attachment and bonding.  And parents who realized that these children might have emotional scars their whole lives, but were committed to them 110%, no matter what!

Not to scare you, but to help you be realistic.  The last thing these two kids needed was to be once again separated from the people they were beginning to know as Mom and Dad, and go back to their previous situation.  One more hurdle for them.  Really sad.

But it is not always like this!  Just know, for your sake, and the sake of these precious children, what you are undertaking.

And, be very careful about the birthfather's situation.  He does have to sign a voluntary Waiver, or the children cannot be adopted.  

Good luck to you!  Hope this helps you dig in harder and commit, or to make an informed decision to walk away.

Answer 15

i THiNK iT WOULD BE A GREAT OPPUTUNiTY FOR YALL && THE KiDS! GOOD LUCK!

Answer 16

What a beautiful opportunity for you! Honestly, I think it would be a little harder to take two at the same time, but even having one child and then another later on can be overwhelming at times. If you can take time to get to know the children before the adoption takes place it won't be that bad. Spend as much time with the girls as you possibly can - get to know them, their personalities, habits, routines, etc. Maybe you can bring them to your house for a weekend and "test the water".  Bottom line... this is a blessing. Take it as such, thank God for this opportunity and enjoy every minute of it! Good luck.

Answer 17

My husband and I had decided to do foster care and we took in a brother and sister age 3 and 23 months, so the situation was somewhat similar.  We had to totally retrain them and it was a lot of work because they saw a lot of violence, but if the 2 you are talking about have been raised in a good home with grandparents then you are probably a lot better off.  As soon as we decided to adopt and started doing all the paperwork, I got pregnant (after 6 years of trying) so then I had 3 little ones.  It is stressful at times but it is also fun and rewarding at other times.  My world revolves around them now and you wont have so much alone time as you do now.  If you feel like you are ready then go for it!  I think you should take the kids for a few weekend visits first and see how it goes.  See if they fit into your family and how they take to you.  It might be easier for them if they got to know you gradually too.  GOOD LUCK!

Answer 18

What a wonderful opportunity for you, your husband and the kids! At first it may be a little overwhelming, but once everyone settles in you will wonder what you ever did without them! Good luck with this and God bless!

Answer 19

come on this is happening for a reason.  you can do it i never adopted but  they are young and the change shouldnt be as rough as you may think there are agency that may help with that if there is a problem and i do have twins and two is the magical number,  two is the perfect family.  and you can these children love which they need and you can keep them together.  just make sure you have it all done legally so no one can come back later down the road and take them from you.  i babysat a boy that happened to and the only had a few hours after court to give the boy back because the mom forged the father name on the adoption papers but guess what it had a happy ending the state watched them and they neglect the boy and the wonderul family got him back and now he is 15 and has an adopted brother 13 and they are both happy kids so you and your husband sit down and figure out how much love you have to offer and remember that what children need love and guidence with that they will grow up to be beautiful adults   good luck gonna put you on my watch list so i can see how it all turns out

Answer 20

You've gotten lots of good advice, I just wanted to add one thing, make sure that you and the grandparents are clear on what their role in the children's lives would be.  They're grandparents, but they've been parents to these kids.  My presumption is that you would allow them to stay in a grandparent role with the kids?  I think that would be wonderful for everyone involved, however it make take everyone a while to adjust to the new family roles, especially the 3 year old.  Do you know the kids well?  Have you considered having them on an overnight visit?  Perhaps you could discuss that with the grandparents, it  might give you a glimpse of life with the kids.

Also, consider looking into adoption support groups, I'm sure you'll need local people who know what you're going through.

Answer 21

kids can never be too much. just as long has u can maintain them

Answer 22

Go for it.  That is really great for you.  Just make sure you adopt them so they are yours forever and can't be taken away from you later down the road.  Because that can happen if you don't adopt them.  

I have two kids.  They are 10 months apart.  It is great having two kids.  They play together and are close.  It will be hard for you for a while until you get a schedule down.  Give it at least 4-5 months for things to become completly normal and comfortable for you both.  It will just take time. You will enjoy it so much.

Answer 23

My sister in law has six children. She has breast fed, home

schooled and is raising them all very well. Five girls, one boy.

Now at age 45, she has just lost a set of twins due to her age

in a miscarriage. Twins run in both sides of her family, and  

she wanted them so bad. raising them would of been Gods

blessing. Please do not let these twins slip away. now is your chance for Gods blessing and all the love to come. :-) + :-)