Is what happened to me as bad as child abuse?? I don't think so?

Question

My psychiatrist told me I have a dissociated personality because of stuff I've been going through since I was about 7, till now (I'm 16). I didn't know what she meant, so I asked what 'dissociated' means on yahoo answers (thanks to everyone who replied!) and it seems like that description fits me exactly.

However, all the stuff I've read seems to be about people protecting themselves from AWFUL things like sexual or physical abuse, experiences of war, etc etc.

All that happened to me was that when I was 7 I was misdiagnosed with autism, when actually I have dyspraxia. I was given therapy for autism, which made me very confused, and made me think I was retarded and not as good as other kids. I was bullied (but not very violently or anything) for being white and Jewish at my school and didn't make any friends till I was about 11. Because of my dyspraxia I found school difficult and very stressful. I was always getting in trouble. My mother actually does have a mild form of autism and she forced me to be very close to her (she's obsessively worried about her children), and said she was my only friend & the only person I could trust- she's always been obese with lung problems, so I was always worried she'd die. My dad was deeply depressed and overworked, so whenever I saw him he was angry and shouting at me, and I was afraid of him till I was about 12. He only hit me a couple of times EVER, though, and we get on fine now. I've always been a very anxious person and I felt responsible for my mother's mental illness (she needed me to help her), but she always blames both our problems on me. She puts me under a lot of pressure to be successful so I did 11 GCSE exams a year early (I was 15). My best friend did that too, and she went insane, self harmed and attempted suicide many times, and blamed it all on me though I was trying so hard to help her. I had to keep her SI and anorexia a secret but I was worried all the time that if she died, it would be my fault for not getting her help. I was overweight, and though I lost a lot of weight by starving, I still think I'm huge and I can't look at myself in the mirror. I hate myself, I self harmed since I was 13 and started making potential suicide plans when I was 8 years old. I take drugs, and for a while when I was 13/14 I became a webcam stripper (no idea why lol).

This is all bad stuff, but surely not as bad as being abused, right? It's not in the same league as having someone else directly and purposefully hurt me? Am I correct in telling my therapist that she's taking what's happened to me too seriously?

Answer 1

one little fing :D i have dyspraxia too..

or do u mean dyslexia?

Hehe

im 12. email me bk please :D

Answer 2

Hi  Lexie  Wow your story of feeling responsible for others is - serious.  Listen to your therapist since my sense of your story is one of self blame and trying to keep from feeling pain. Those self harm or suicidal impulses are stinking thinking @ its worst @ work.

Answer 3

I don't know, as a neutral 3rd person reading about your life, it sounds pretty awful to me.

And as much as I hate to say this, some of the stuff your parents did sounds a little like emotional abuse.  Maybe it want intentional but it isn't normal for children to be afraid of their father or anxious about their mother's mental health as a young child.

Sometimes it can be worse to have a parent unintentionally hurt you because you know they love you and don't mean to but they are still hurting you.

As for telling your psychiatrist you think he is overreacting, you can try.  However, he has much more experience recognizing and treating this then you would.

I know when I was first told by my psychiatrist that a relationship I was in was abusive I didn't believe him because the guy had never physically harmed me.  But as I was reading about unbalanced relationships I realized that the relationship was emotionally abusive even though it was unintentional on they guys part.  I didn't like my psychiatrist at all, he had a terrible bedside manner but he was very intelligent and was able to help me anyway.